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Original poster

Husband cheating and heads a mess

30 replies

LottyRen · 28/11/2020 11:20

A bit of context, my husband and I stayed when I was in my late teens/early 20’s. Our relationship ended because he was messaging other girls. Some years later I met someone else, we had a daughter and that relationship slowly broke down for various reasons. I got reacquainted with my now husband and he seemed to have grown up (being in his mid 30’s) and thing progressed and we married last October. Our relationship has been volatile and over the last 6-8 months hasn’t been so great. I’ve had family issues and have been a bit distant and cold. We had a talk a couple of weeks ago and talked about counselling, he feels neglected, I feel like I can’t win with anything. The following week I saw a message on his phone from a female name, it was relatively neutral but had lots of kisses and a heart eye emoji. This bothered me and I tried to log into his email on my phone and found he had an account for POF (registered last year) and a swingers site. I searched his username on the latter and he has a full profile with photo and it’s verified, which from what I gather means he’s met up with someone/a couple. He’s been active on there recently and I don’t know what to do, I know he’ll have an excuse/reason

OP posts:
jewelsx · 28/11/2020 11:22

Don't know what to do?? Leave! You deserve better!

Flowerpot345 · 28/11/2020 11:23

Yes leave, you can't trust him.
Even to confront him you know he will lie.
He isn't sincere.
Get rid.

Bunnymumy · 28/11/2020 11:28

Dont give him a chance to give an excuse or reason. Just get him gone. You've seen it with your own eyes so he has nothing to 'explain'. Also see about getting yourself an sti test because who knows what he could have caught. Get angry. He is a ratbastard. A vile, cheating, lying ratbastard.

Original poster
LottyRen · 28/11/2020 12:21

I haven’t been an overly attentive wife. He is highly sexed and I know I haven’t been meeting his needs frequency wise.... Is messaging cheating? I’ve not actual proof from him if that’s makes sense, do I even need it?

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 28/11/2020 12:30

There is no innocent reason for being on those sites. He will say he did nothing but that's not the point. He joined.

You will never trust him so rip off the plaster and let him go.

JoistLooking · 28/11/2020 12:31

Is messaging cheating?

For me it absolutely Is! It means that I am not enough/centre of his world.

Lozzerbmc · 28/11/2020 12:46

Some men seem to think its “ok to look” when it really isnt.

Lillygolightly · 28/11/2020 12:46

Doesn’t matter what his reason or excuse, the fact is he has betrayed your trust and been unfaithful, you said yourself he is a verified member of a swingers site.

There may be reasons as to why he did what he did yes, but in all reality if you can’t even have a hard time and him be there to support you, and be faithful then what is the point? Instead of supporting you, he used your personal and relationship difficulties to give himself the excuse to do what he wanted to do!! If he had felt so neglected he could have TALKED to YOU about it, instead he chose to find his comfort elsewhere. That’s not someone you can rely on, that’s not someone you can trust, it’s not someone who loves you like they should. That wouldn’t be enough for me I’m afraid, you need to think if it’s enough for you. It shouldn’t be, because you deserve so much more, we all do!! Flowers

LilyLongJohn · 28/11/2020 13:02

You think because you haven't been overly attentive that means it's ok for him to be in pof abs a swingers site. No this isn't ok. If you're feeling undervalued, you spend to your partner, you don't look for fun elsewhere. And yes, to me messages are cheating if you have to hide them.

Regularsizedrudy · 28/11/2020 13:06

“ highly sexed ” Envy he’s not a dog. (Even though he’s acting like one.) Leave him, he sounds fucking gross 🤮

Original poster
LottyRen · 28/11/2020 13:06

We have spoken but it’s always so one sided as in, it’s me that’s the one letting the marriage down. Truth is, he’s quite condescending and irritable towards me at times and it doesn’t provoke affectionate feelings in me all the time and I’ve shut off a bit, I have said this to him and I get “so it’s all my fault” and “all I do for you” etc etc

OP posts:
Hailtomyteeth · 28/11/2020 13:16

All the reasons/excuses/placing blame in the world won't change this.

He cheated before. He's cheating now.

You acted in good faith when you married him, don't blame yourself for making that mistake.

'Highly sexed' is he? Ha! That's what they all say. Not getting enough? Another load of bollocks. How much effort has he made to ensure you have a great sex life within your marriage? None. I'm right, aren't I?

Now, gather yourself. You and your daughter need peace and happiness, not some sleazy bloke looking for sex from your home.

So get rid of him. Send him away, or leave. Today is a good day for that.

Wendyhaus · 28/11/2020 13:17

He is a cheat. Whether he has met up with anyone or not it is obvious that is his intention. This is not porn where the images are of unattainable women. These are other people actively looking for hook ups or whatever they call it. Some women set up a trap and create a fake profile to catch the cheater out. You may not want to go down that route but either way you are not in for a happy future with this man.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 28/11/2020 13:19

@Hailtomyteeth

All the reasons/excuses/placing blame in the world won't change this.

He cheated before. He's cheating now.

You acted in good faith when you married him, don't blame yourself for making that mistake.

'Highly sexed' is he? Ha! That's what they all say. Not getting enough? Another load of bollocks. How much effort has he made to ensure you have a great sex life within your marriage? None. I'm right, aren't I?

Now, gather yourself. You and your daughter need peace and happiness, not some sleazy bloke looking for sex from your home.

So get rid of him. Send him away, or leave. Today is a good day for that.

This is fab advice - follow it, you deserve better for yourself.
Skyla2005 · 28/11/2020 15:19

What do you mean you don’t know what to do. You get out of this relationship right now his a cheating scumbag who could give you a disease ? Seriously I don’t mean to puns harsh but what other option is there ? You don’t know what to do !

AnyFucker · 28/11/2020 15:22

It's quite clear what you need to do. You and your daughter deserve better than this sleazy, ignorant, arsey oaf.

Supereager · 28/11/2020 15:38

You haven’t been married very long and he’s up to all of that! I know lots of people who have been cheated on but that swingers thing is a step way beyond even “normal” cheating. It’s weird. Yucky. Unsafe. Just so so weird. You surely can’t bear to even touch him after that? The marriage is over. Dead. Cut him off. He’ll never be right. He isn’t normal.

willowmelangell · 28/11/2020 15:54

What an awful thing to find out. I am so sorry.
What is your housing situation? Finances?
Will he leave quietly and give you time to think your options through?

Of course he will blame you. He should have had a conversation with you, heard your side and given you choices(counselling, relate, date night etc etc) not committed adultery. What an arse he is.

SortingItOut · 28/11/2020 16:04

If he is just verified by the site then it means he took a selfie of himself holding up a piece of paper with his username on.

If he has verifications then these will say whether he met them or cammed with them.

Personally for me its cheating, there is no excuse to join dating/casual sex sites even if just looking (which you know deep down he isnt just looking)

Just because you didnt have sex much doesnt give a green light for cheating.

He sounds awful anyway and not wanting to accept his own shortcomings and thinking that because he works and brings in money his job is done.

You sound so unhappy, just walk away. A few months married and he is already doing this - doesnt bode well for the future.

SortingItOut · 28/11/2020 16:07

@Supereager
I highly doubt he is actually swinging, most people join swingers sites for the casual sex and not to actually swing....
And the majority practice safe sex and arent sleeping with hundreds of people.
Obviously a few practice high risk stuff

Not that it matters in this case whether he has met 1, 2 or more people

Original poster
LottyRen · 28/11/2020 16:15

We own a house together, it was half gifted to me by a relative,the rest we mortgaged. He pays the rent and we split the bills. I’ve only found this out this morning, my life’s turned upside down so I’m bound to be questioning. It’s not always as black and white when you’re the one on the receiving end

OP posts:
cece · 28/11/2020 16:47

Those swinging sites are full of married or attached men who's wives or partners don't know about it.

Original poster
LottyRen · 28/11/2020 17:17

@cece

Those swinging sites are full of married or attached men who's wives or partners don't know about it.
It says verified by one meet, is that likely he’s actually met someone do you know?
OP posts:
Gifgif · 28/11/2020 17:30

Set your bar a bit higher OP. Flowers

Gombrich479 · 28/11/2020 17:31

You do know what to do. Good luck.

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