Advice needed *Trigger Warning*

[Ninjamomma]

I will try to keep this as brief as possible but I'm really after some advice as to where to go from here.

When I was a young girl I was sexually abused by my step grandad, I told my father at the time but he passed away shortly afterwards, I made the decision early on to tell my DH, it reflects in the way I am a lot and felt it was easier to explain some of my manorisms. I didn't go into too much detail.

Around a month after I got a call from a cousin who explained a young girl had accused my step grandad of abusing her. Without question I went to the police to support her claim. DH sat with me whilst I spoke to the police and heard every detail, he was fantastic - supportive and caring.

A few months afterwards we were having a few drinks one evening when DH explained he had been abused as a young boy by his brother, lots of tears and relief that he had finally spoken about it.

We spoke to his Mum and dad who confronted his brother and he admitted what he had done. DH feels that was what he needed to be able to move on.

We have been through court in the past year and secured a conviction and hefty prison sentence for my step grandad.

However it has taken a huge toll on our intimacy, I had an idea that my DH didn't like certain things in the bedroom because of what had happened to him and started to avoid foreplay, I beleive he has done the same. Sex has become almost none existent - twice in the last 18 months.

We have talked about it and have both said it isn't for lack of wanting to but that it now feels awkward.

We started sex therapy a few weeks ago and DH has confirmed he isn't comfortable with any foreplay but also doesn't feel he should be the one to always start any intimacy, I feel I struggle to find a way to get him in the mood without foreplay.

Im starting to wonder whether we are both best to allow each other to start again afresh without this hanging over us. It doesn't feel like it can get better and I don't feel being intimate should ever be awkward.

I love him and have no doubt he loves me. Our relationship outside of that is caring, loving and pretty solid but I'm starting to feel there is no way forward and in my opinion intimacy is incredibly important

If you have gotten this far. I would really appreciate anyone who has been through similar or any suggestions or am happy to hear its time to split too, I really feel like I need some perspective

Sorry you've been through this. It's a Lot.

If you've only done a few weeks of sex therapy, maybe it's worth continuing for longer and seeing what progress you can make together?

If you aren't doing individual counselling regarding your traumas, then I think that would be worth a shot too?

Perhaps give it six months of working through things individually and as a couple, and see if you think you're getting somewhere?

You have an amazing relationship- you have each been able to open up about traumatic and painful experiences and have solidly been there for each other through the process of confronting this pain. I have been through this too and understand how the damage ripples on through your life. Please don't give up on each other, keep in with the sex therapy and have patience in each other. Keep deepening the trust you share and take baby steps regarding physical intimacy. Please don't let the past rob you both of being able to share your bodies without fear. Love and courage to you both

Thank you both.

I do think individual counselling is probably worth a shot too and you're right maybe time is what we need at the moment

@joystir59 I'm sorry to hear you have been through this too. My step grandad for a 15 year sentence which is a fantastic result but I said to DH last night, he may have got 15 years but I genuinely feel like I've been given a life sentence, I feel as though if I can't find a way to move on and stop it affecting my every day, my relationships, my thoughts and feelings then he still wins.

I believe EMDR can be helpful for dealing with trauma and triggers.

I totally understand how being abused can effect an individuals sexual life
I was abused by a family friend between the age 10-16.
I never spoke up about it. I did show signs in my behaviour. Sadly my parents never clicked on.
First of all well done you I admire the strength you showed by getting that evil thing to jail.
I also feel relief for your husband who was finally able to open up and get that closure if I can call it that from his own family.
Apart from the abuse I had never been sexually active.
When I met my husband. I told him what had happened to me. The first person ever I spoke to about it. He was understanding and we never did anything sexual until after marriage.
Even then I just felt I was saving myself for after marriage. That's what I would say to him when things hit heated between us.
Never thinking I was only avoiding sex due to my past.
After marriage when it come to doing it. I would freeze. I would get very scared.
Hubby was understanding. He would leave it.

I've always wanted a baby. I'm aware how babies are made. But I can't go ahead with making one. So due to this it took me 7 years.
DD is 4.
I have the desire I want to have sex when I do. It's amazing. But I can't go ahead with the penetration part of it. I freeze get all tense and scared. All that abuse comes back. Before my daughter. I could go ahead as I wanted a baby. Now there is nothing there to tell me. Come on on Naz you can do it. It's ok. You'll enjoy it.
My DH is super understanding. But I myself have told him to go find another partner. To have a normal life. He says leave you and my daughter a normal happy life. To just get sex no.
I've often thought to leave him myself. But our friendship and love is so good and strong. I can't.
Your relationship also sounds full of love and care. But your issue is not like I.
Sounds to me you're ready to move on. Start fresh and I think you should. Reason being you need to be with a man who hasn't got demons. You need a man who can't relate and you don't have to look after his mental state. As it will only drag you back to your abuse to.
All the best.