Help and advice to enhance sex life

[arie1123]

Hi all,
Me and my partner have been together for 17 years. Always enjoyed a decent sex life. We have two small children; our sex life has dwindled somewhat since having children due to lack of time etc but we have always been sexually attracted to one another. Several months ago, we had a conversation and both agreed that we wanted to enhance our sex life together. My partner started taking viagra and I have to admit, we were having the best sex we had ever had; 3-4 times per week and for several hours. Trying different things. And it was amazing. But over the last few months, since he stopped taking it, the frequency has become less again and he doesn't seem as interested. We are intimate with one another and affectionate but he just doesn't seem to initiate sex much and when he does, it is over quite quickly and I'm left feeling unsatisfied. I don't want him to keep taking viagra all of the time but I want to enjoy a better more fulfilled sex life. He also made a comment a few weeks ago about ' not getting as hard as he used to.' We are in our mid 30's. Not sure what to do as I don't want to offend him but I'm not entirely happy and I feel that I should voice this? Also worried that he may not be attracted to me anymore? Any thoughts?

Why oh why do women automatically think that they're unattractive when men go off sex for a while? Why do they have expectations that men must get hard and stay hard whilst DTD. Men have cycles just like women do. We are not performing circus animals. Perhaps it the way women relate to sex. I don't know but it needs to be addressed.
My first thoughts would be to get checked physically. Perhaps a testosterone blood test to check the levels, a prostate exam to check that his prostate isn't enlarged. The blood vessels that carry blood to the penis may be getting squeezed and affecting the hardness. Viagra helps overcome this but it is not the answer and yes getting older will have an effect.
Then there is the psychological side. To much pressure on performing can have the opposite affect. Stress, anxiousness, tiredness, worry can also affect desire.
So before judging yourself as unattractive have the above checked out. I'm sure you and your DH are capable of having that conversation.
Going forward I would suggest tantric methods and not those you watch on porn films. The real tantric meditative methods to deepen the emotional spiritual connection and to rediscover each others bodies through sexual energies. Research psychosexual tantric somatics

I think it’s quite difficult to maintain interest and excitement in a long term relationship for most people, and especially if you got together as teenagers /young adults and didn’t really get to properly experience sex with other people before settling down.
But it does seem that you are trying and addressing the issues - which is great.

Have you head of the book ‘Mating in Captivity’ - it any help you with some ideas.
Good luck!!!

Why oh why do women automatically think that they're unattractive when men go off sex for a while? Why do they have expectations that men must get hard and stay hard whilst DTD. Men have cycles just like women do. We are not performing circus animals. Perhaps it the way women relate to sex. I don't know but it needs to be addressed.

Because many of the narratives around sex drive this belief?

Expectations of how women 'should' look - body size/shape; grooming etc that are prevalent in male online comments/discussions around sex. Often men state they are less attracted to women's bodies of they do not conform, at least in some way, to these ideals?

Expectations influenced by porn of what sex/women should look like and how it reflects on men's desire of women if that isn't available?

Narratives that men are always up for sex wherever they can get it that are driven by men?

Suggestions made to women (by men) that, if their partner has gone off sex, they should wear sexy lingerie, 'dress up'; lose weight; be sexy when he gets home from work?

I'd say these are some of the reasons why women feel less attractive when their partner goes through a dry spell. We are told that it is our responsibility to be sexually desirable and that men, generally, will take it when it's offered. So, if a man doesn't...

If by unsatisfied you mean he has stopped ensuring that you orgasm too then I think a blunt conversation is needed, without fear of offending him.

@StillCantSleep

I hear you and yet I know of women of all shapes and sizes that are having fulfilling sex lives.

And noego it's because that is what we are constantly told by men, both online and in our personal lives. If men don't want that stereotype to follow them then it would do good for them to stop spreading it.

I hear you and yet I know of women of all shapes and sizes that are having fulfilling sex lives.

They are clearly not women who are going to be asking if their partner finds them attractive because they have gone off sex then 🤷🏻‍♀️

He certainly shouldn't have any problem with lack of desire or ability at your age and I doubt that it's a good idea to take viagra as it could induce psychological dependence.

Try date nights, leave the dc with grandparents, relatives for a night and go to a hotel. We used to do that when our DC were young and it did wonders for our sex life, we still look back fondly on some memorable shags.

Or perhaps some women don't listen to the stereotypical narrative that you describe! @StillCantSleep & @IJustWantSomeBees

It's not something we listen to. It's something we are immersed in; it surrounds us.

Maybe it's their men who don't listen to the stereotypical narrative...

@noego yep, we're all aware that women are individuals here. That doesn't change the fact that these stereotypes you are complaining about have been created by men so its men who need to hold themselves accountable and change them.

Or once again it could be both sexes that need to change!!

I'm conscious of the fact that we're detracting from the OP's original question and derailing their thread. Apologies OP.

Or once again guys could take responsibility for their own actions instead of trying to force blame and responsibility for them onto women. OP has done nothing wrong by asking these questions.