If you are in a happy relationship, how do you communicate?

[xmasnc2020]

I feel that although I know I really do love my DP, and he loves me back and tells me so all the time, we don't communicate well and that this often makes us bicker a lot.

For example, this week he is WFH and I have had a week off uni. He won't work from the dining room or spare bedroom, he either wants the living room or our bedroom, says the dining room gets too cold. It's not that bad, but whatever.

It's been my week off so I have been waking at about 9:30, he starts work at 8. So he's been setting up in the living room which means downstairs in our smallish house is pretty much out of bounds due to him taking phone calls etc. Today I've stayed upstairs most of the morning doing bits and bobs until around 12:30 when I went downstairs to make lunch. After a while he shouts in 'how long will you be?' I said a few more mins why!? 'Oh because I have to make a call.' So I go in and say this isn't really ideal is it? Do you want to go upstairs? I might of said it a bit arsey because i found it really annoying. He's saying 'I'm working!' Bla bla. It's ended up in us not being friends and us shouting at each other and now we're not speaking. I went up with a brew for him afterwards and he said he didn't want it. It's all just so silly.

How can we just communicate better? It's things like this but quite often. I think I feel that I can't raise issues because it always ends up in us falling out. Similar example is him loading the dishwasher wrong after I've told him 1000 times that if he puts tall things in the bottom rack it stops the top spinner spinning and it doesn't clean properly. He just continues to do it, it's so, so irritating.

Before you ask, yes I am young, I'm 24. We have a mortgage together, no DC.

He's being unreasonable hogging the living room and the whole of the downstairs. Is he often unreasonable?

We found ‘non violent communication’ by Marshall Rosenberg to be really helpful for this. There is an audio book on audible or you can buy a book. It’s about working out what your own needs are and how to ask for them to be met.

I would consider things from his point of view and then talk to him proposing a solution that would suit us both.

Apart from the dishwasher, I just banned him from loading it 🤬

We communicate bluntly. No questions that give clues to what we want: "do you want to go upstairs?" Instead "this is not working. You either go upstairs, or we buy a heater and you use the dining room."

However, I'm not sure that'll work cos he's an entitled inconsiderate twat and my husband is not. And he'll be just as entitled and inconsiderate if you add kids to this.

If he was just about to make a call I can't understand why you would pick that moment to raise the fundamental issue of working arrangements. I'd find that very irritating. At the same time, he's being unreasonable commandeering the whole downstairs. He should keep out of your way so he can concentrate and you can live your life. If he's cold he should wear a onesie or something.

Re the dishwasher, man I used to get so annoyed when XH used to lecture me about how to load it. I left it to him in the end.

Basically, you're getting on each other's nerves and you don't, between you, prioritise communication as a means of resolving issues. Unfortunately this is something that is quite fundamental. Do you think you both could sit down like grownups to discuss how not to bicker, shout and sulk?

So I go in and say this isn't really ideal is it? Do you want to go upstairs?

How about saying " I need to be able to make lunch at home without feeling rushed to finish because you have a meeting, how can we make sure I can enjoy my lunch without rushing and you also get to make a work call without distractions?"

We just talk to each other and we say what we mean. He’s American, which I think makes a difference because it means he doesn’t have the irritating British habit of saying one thing while meaning another or tiptoeing around something whilst seething inside, so small issues are nipped in the bud rather than snowballing into massive ones because they haven’t been brought up.

We also listen to each other, which seems to be a problem for you. I can’t work out why somebody would continue to load a dishwasher so that it doesn’t wash effectively having been told this. Sounds a bit like he might see you as controlling in other ways and this is his way of giving you the finger?

I can't understand why he couldn't make a call why you were making lunch? Were you being extremely loud, listening to music, on the phone etc? I also think you've commented at the wrong time to be able to have an open communication with him. He clearly had work to do, so the conversation should have waited until he had finished for the day so there were no distractions.
You both need to come up with a compromise, if working from home I'd want to be comfortable of course, but I'd also want my husband to be able to do his thing.

My exh used to lecture me about loading the dishwasher too - but in my case he didn't actually load it himself. So I used to just do it my way, which was fine.

When I'm in the middle of working I would also not want my train of thought to be interrupted by someone complaining about me being there. Clearly you need a different arrangement, but your timing and approach were a bit off. How about discussing it after he'd finished work, and framing it as him getting a better workspace?

Do you also have fun with him, or does he generally get your hackles up this fast?

I can see both points of view, because it's annoying if he starts work downstairs because you don't get up til later and then you want him to break off and move. It is disruptive and he is working.

I can also see that you've got a week off and want to be able to chill in your own home. I tend to side with him in that work comes first - my suggestion would be that you sleep in the spare room this week so that the bedroom is his domain for work if he's said he wants either living room or bedroom.

You can then get up when you like, go downstairs and use kitchen and living room and he can get on with work without being interrupted.

We just talk.
If something bothers me, I either sit on it for a day and realise it’s not a big issue or explain it’s bothering me.

We have this situation as I work shifts. Partner either works upstairs or works with headphones in. I tend to avoid doing noisy stuff when she’s on a call.

Thanks for the responses. I have audible so will get the audio book - thanks!

It's not so much he was being awkward by making a call at an inconvenient time, his job is about 70% speaking on the phone so he just needed to get on with his work.

Yes I see that my timing was off. And no, I'd not been loud, no music or anything, but I'd been a bit longer than usual 10/15 mins.

I don't usually get up late, it's just that it's my week off and I've been exhausted. We've recently had a bereavement, his side of the family. He's really struggled with it and I've also been upset but also needed to support him emotionally so I think we're both just tired out. Being stuck in the house for so long doesn't help either.

Re the dishwasher. It drives me mad.

It's not just that it's not 'my' way of doing it (although I am particular about things getting done correctly) it's more that the pots don't get washed!!

Anyway, thanks again

I don't get the logistics here- do you have an open plan kitchen + living room? Otherwise why can't he just make his calls in the living room and leave you to cook and eat lunch and eat lunch when it suits him? Are the calls so strictly confidential that he can't risk any sound escaping?

Dh and I are both working from home and have been since March, also a smallish house. I teach, he speaks to clients. He has the dining room, I have the living room, doors are kept close, our 20yo son uses his bedroom when not at work, we eat whenever our work schedules permits, and anyone is free to use the kitchen. Doesn't seem to be causing any problems.

If the bereavement is his side of the family, he's going to be much more affected emotionally than you. To be honest you sound somewhat dismissive of him e.g. "it' not that bad but whatever". Some people genuinely feel the cold more. An easy solution would be just buying a portable heater for him to use there while he WFH, assuming everything else like WiFi etc. makes it a suitable room to work.