Old/normal dating question

[Hattifatteneners]

Hi, I have named changed as I don't want this linking back to other posts.

I have recently starting old. I am a year separated from my husband who left me for an ow.

After a few false starts I have started chatting to a guy and we have really hit it off. We met for a date (walk) and then another date a couple of days later (walk) we have kissed and there is a lot of chemistry.

What I am struggling a bit with is that some of his messages are loaded with flirting and innuendo. To put this in context, even when I got together with my exH there was minimal flirting really and in hindsight the marriage has been a bit joyless from that point of view.

But I just don't know how to deal with it. And I feel a bit objectified. And I can't decide if it is just me, being a bit of a prude. Is this what the early days are like?

To be clear there have been no dick pics, he hasn't asked me to provide any pics. He is otherwise quite respectful when we are together. I said to him earlier in the week that I can't rush anything and he responded respectfully then.

I know some people will come on here and tell me that I shouldn't do anything that makes me feel uncomfortable, which is why I said to him about not rushing anything, but I just don't know whether it is me and I just need to chill out a bit and enjoy it...

Please let me know what you think...

I don't think that men who sign up for on line dating are looking for a relationship sorry.

There will be mumsnetters who come on here to say they met their husbands online but that was probably a while ago. OLD has changed A LOT during the last 5 years.

What about joining a social group?

That's really sad.
Sadly covid is stopping anything happening and I live quite rurally so options are limited anyway

I disagree with the Stephen’s comment. I met my boyfriend a year ago OLD and I met several other men while on there who seemed to be genuinely looking fo someone. For sure, there was a lot of sleazy men on there too but I wouldn’t discount this just because you met him online.

When you say flirting and innuendo, do you mean actual flirting or are we talking filth messaging. If it’s the former I would presume he was trying to be lighthearted and fun but if it’s sexually explicit messaging I would assume he was just looking for something causal. OLD can be tough OP, but stick at it as it might well be worse while in the end.

And I feel a bit objectified.
I'd tell him.

It's not you being a prude.

OLD isn't all bad but it's not all it is cracked up to be either.
I find that the men are either just looking for sex, not 'vanilla' (ugh! I hate that term) but porn-style sex, or they are so boring their wives left them.

Admittedly, my research has not been extensive.

StephenBelafonte really? I think OLD has a vast range of people on it looking for all sorts of things. I met the bloke I'm seeing on OLD (yes I know you said that), 2.5 years ago. Has it changed that much since then?

Hattifatteneners it's hard to tell from your post whether he is being OTT or not, but clearly you aren't completely comfortable with it. Maybe have a chat about it (in person) and see how that goes.

Flirty innuendo early on pretty much means "I just want sex".

You could try asking him what he is looking for from online dating. See if he umms and errs.

I met my recent partner through online dating. There are plenty of ppl on there who want relationships. Well, some lol.

@StephenBelafonte What a load of rubbish!

OLD is just another platform to meet people. there will be men on there who are looking for something meaningful and there won't, just like women the same.

You can meet plenty of men in a pub or were ever people meet these days and find exactly the same.

I met my bf 15 months ago on line and we are very much in a relationship.

Op, what sorts of things are making you uncomfortable? When you say 'flirting and innuendo', is it overly sexual?
Everyone has different boundaries so I guess unless you tell him, he won't know and will carry on. Telling him you don't want to rush things isn't the same as saying his messages are making you feel uncomfortable.

What type of things is he sending (for some context) as you say you never experienced flirting etc with your ex. It could he harmless way of him showing his interest in you and trying to flatter / compliment you or it could be sleazy inappropriate chat. Very hard to tell without any context sorry. Also there are men who want relationships online dating (most don't but some definitely do!) so I wouldn't automatically assume he's a creep until he shows you he is xx

There is just a bit of hi sexy, a couple of gifs that are a bit risqué. Talking about us kissing. It's quite tame really, but maybe some of it is a bit cringey?
90% of the chat is fine. Maybe I am just overthinking it. Like I said my frame of reference is a bit limited maybe

It's hard to know OP, but how you feel is the most important thing for you.

You've had 2 dates, do you know where you want it to go?

Hmmm...Hi sexy after a couple of dates is a bit much for me, particularly (from what you have said - sorry if I am wrong) if you haven't had sex with him. That word is reserved, for me, for someone I am sleeping with.

It doesn't really matter what your frame of reference is, if you are uncomfortable you are uncomfortable and you should tell him so (or end it if you don't feel you want to do that).

My OLD date was a bit like that. Corney and I was unfamiliar with flirting after a very boring long marriage. He never sent dick picks but he sent compliments and called me sexy. 18 months on he is still a corney old flirt and he still calls me sexy.

Flirting is not always bad but if it makes you uncomfortable tell him!

I like him, I don't really want flings, I don't want to move anyone in or have more kids, but long term would be nice.

I don't know if it just comes across worse in text messages...

No we are not sleeping together and I need to know i am more than that to him. PPS are right I just need to talk about it with him. If he cools off then that is the answer I suppose.

If you are not fine with it then it’s not fine.
I personally might internally roll my eyes at a hi sexy but be fine with it really because it’s just not what I’m used to. The fact that you asked not to rush and he responded favourably and hasn’t disappeared is a good sign.
Also I’m sure he wants to kiss you and move to intimacy with you when you’re ready so he’s just hinting at that.
I would do as you have been doing and keep making your limits clear. If he’s into you he will respect that.
Just for comparison a guy I have been chatting to online and who I was considering meeting soon asked me did I want to watch him wa*k the other night 😬 a Prince among men obviously

Just for comparison a guy I have been chatting to online and who I was considering meeting soon asked me did I want to watch him wak the other nighta Prince among men obviously*
There are some complete bell ends around aren't there! Cos that would be such an interesting thing to watch.
I'd have been tempted to reply that I'd rather watch GBBO, before blocking him obviously.

''Risqué gifs?''

Sounds like he is only after one thing...

Being flirty/seductive is fine, but if the guy starts straight away with the sex talk/innuendo after he has met you once while OLD you can pretty much be sure that he is only after casual sex.

Maybe I just need to ask him what his intentions are!
Normally I just bury my head in the sand a bit, but I have learnt that isn't always helpful, so I am trying to figure things out rather than run away!

I think it's normal. If he isn't flirting with you you'll end up as friends so a bit of flirting injects the fun and sex part into your relationship

You don't even need to ask his intentions with you. You just ask him what he wants from online dating in general. I make a point if asking this in the first date or two. Then the 3 seconds after you've asked the question, look at their face and you might find it gives you all you need to know.