Ignoring Me

[Mynameisally]

Hey everyone,

I really need some advice at the moment and I'm afraid it's a bit of a long one...

I have a boyfriend who I've been dating for a year and a half. We got into an argument 2 weeks ago because I got upset over a FaceTime call and in the heat of the moment told him that he hadn't made any effort to which his reply was to hang up. He ignored me for a day before replying to me saying we could talk after the weekend (Argument happened on Wednesday). It became Monday and things quickly got heated once again before he told me he had no interest in talking to me until I made him feel appreciated. At this point, I'm unsure because he was the one that hung up on me when I was crying but nevertheless I send him a cute appreciation paragraph....which he ignores. I decide that I should try one more time so I send him a handwritten card to his door to which he replies 'I appreciate it but I need a few days of space'. It has now been a week since our original argument and so I ask him how long for and what this means for us. He tells me that he needs time to actually process what has happened but directly ignores the question about whether this means we are still together or not. Anyway, now a week has passed since he asked for 'a few days' and he's ignored several new messages from me since but seems happy when talking to all our mutual friends. When asked by one of them whether he has officially broken up with me he replied with 'no not at the moment' which has left me very very confused. In total, it has been 2 weeks since the original argument and a week since he asked for a few days.

What should I do? Is this man worth staying with? We are both very young (19/20) and I don't know whether we can work on this but it does hurt me knowing he knows I'm low yet still won't help me at all. All I keep thinking is that I know he is very busy and stressed right now and so maybe that is a valid reason?

His reaction to you voicing your frustration, whether it was justied or not, is inappropriate.

He's punishing you for expressing your feelings.

I'd dump the loser. You're so young still. A better man or many better men will come along.

In my book, there is no valid reason to ignore someone. This may be different for other people. Nobody is worth that amount of drama in my life.

Don't let him leave you wondering.

I would take control by saying it's not working for me, sorry & goodbye.

Thanks @hotpotlover, I really appreciate your reply. The problem is I do feel like maybe I have been a little under-appreciative lately and so I do understand where he is coming from. He has tried his absolute best until this moment and I couldn't have asked for someone better to look after me when I was low at the time.

Also, if things become normal again, he knows he's got you under your thumb and then things could become much more horrible in the future.

This could be a red flag for future abuse.

@FinallyHere

I guess he has ignored me but at the same time he has told me he needs a few days to figure it out so I'm not sure whether to class it as ignoring or not.... :(

@hotpotlover

He has never ever done anything like this before and so I'm not sure if I should just give him the benefit of the doubt..

@hotpotlover @FinallyHere

I guess I just understand how frustrating it can be when someone says you 'make no effort' when you are out there trying your absolute best...

Tell him to piss off, you've made up your mind for him, life is too short and you are too young for that shit

He's being childish, you've tried reaching out to sort it out but he's ignoring you or time out to punish you. Stop contacting him he's let go a bit far now, it's been a week, you decide if really want to be with someone they can't communicate well.

What so you just sit around praying he decides you haven't broken up??! Absolutely not.

Take the decision out of hands and dump him, he will continue to do this over every argument and this will be your life of begging for him to forgive you, him making you feel like it's all your fault and you don't show him enough love or support or maybe something else he conjures up.

Leave him, he won't change and if he can't have an adult conversation that is a problems

@Mynameisally

But it's not how someone normal would react in a relationship, is it.

I said something very similar to my partner a couple of weeks ago. I said "you don't support me enough" because I'm at home alone struggling with health issues after the birth of our first child while he's at work. It was unfair what I said and it upset him, but he understood that I was in a bad place and he didn't hold a grudge.

It's not normal to give someone the silent treatment for over a week because they voiced their feelings.

Do not give him the benefit of the doubt. Your relationship with him should be now at an end, relationships should not be this hard.

Work on your boundaries here and raise them, people like him can and do mess up perhaps already weak boundaries further.

He is thoroughly enjoying you running around, falling over yourself to apologise and 'appreciate ' him. He will forgive you but know all the power is in his hands.
Dump.

While you are tying yourself into knots trying to understand him and wondering what you have done wrong / what you need to do to fix it...

Is he doing the same?

Honestly, don't put up with his nonsense. Find someone who can express their own needs simply and without sulking, or spend the rest of your life dancing around him. Honestly, don't be that girl.

What @FinallyHere said in spades!

Stop chasing him- it's really not a good look.

1. Take control and tell him it's either over or this is how it moves forward (if you want to still be in this relationship)

Or

1. Put up with his crap. But be warned, this will continue and it will get worse over time. It's manipulative and is a red flag for the future.

Please be strong enough to be number 1. Don't be the girl in number 2...it's not a good place to be. You're so young, I promise there is someone out there who will not treat you like this.

I’d get out of that relationship as fast as possible; it’s cruel to leave you hanging about waiting and to be honest expecting you to show you appreciate him then ignoring your efforts is fairly demeaning. It feels like a test to see how badly he can treat you and if he can get away with this then worse is on its way

Don't put up with all this; ignore him back.

If you let him get away with this then it’s the tip of the iceberg and he will keep doing it. Block him, act as if you’ve been dumped. If it was me I’d message “you’ve ignored me for a week now so I assume that I’m now single and will act accordingly. All the best for the future” then mean if. Go out and find somebody more mature

I guess I just understand how frustrating it can be when someone says you 'make no effort' when you are out there trying your absolute best..

Sometimes we have to fight our socialisation to be nice and take a turn at being honest.

Sometimes someone else’s ‘best’ just is not good enough for us and thats ok, not everyone gets on the same or has the same priorities.

You are working really hard to ‘fix’ this relationship - even compromising your happiness and doubting yourself.

If his level of effort/commitment is not the same, or even if it is but you find you/he are still not happy, its ok to move on.

In this thread alone you’ve described telling him he makes no effort but at the end of the day it is you making all the effort right now isn’t it?

As PP have said, a more appropriate response would be to talk about why you felt that, what efforts he felt he was making and addressing if he is making effort/if its in the right areas/if you need to communicate more.

Not him spitting the dummy until he’s making no effort and you’re demented trying to work out what he wants

I really recommend others’ suggestions to work on yourself - a couple of years introspection & boundary building in your 20’s would be invaluable for all your future relationships, not just romantic.

Maybe you were in the wrong and under appreciating him, but ignoring you is NEVER the right response. It's abusive and designed to control how you act in the future. Dump him.

What happened OP? Hope you are ok?

He is training you to behave yourself. You are being punished for daring to tell him something that he doesn't want to listen to. Won't you be ever so grateful when he does finally 'forgive' you, eh? Then you will do your best to not upset him again. Eventually you will be the perfect nodding dog.

Time to find your self-respect and your anger and dump him.

Honestly, adult relationships should never need to resort to ignoring someone, or needing a few days to sort things out in their head.

What about when you're older and live with him? How would you cope if he wanted to ignore you for a week then? What about if you have kids with him?

Adult relationships (sorry, I don't mean to sound patronising here) are all about communication, and if you cannot communicate to sort out your differences, this is never going to work in the long term.

I'm sorry :(.