What do I do?

[What2Do78]

Hi,

I have been married for a long time and we have young children. Our marriage is miserable, I feel unloved, lonely and utterly miserable, we rarely kiss, show any affection, spend time together, even sleep separately most nights. We have a poor sex life, he doesn’t make the effort to pleasure me, he can be critical too, I feel like we’re living as room mates who tolerate each other, not how a healthy marriage should be!
I miss companionship and sex so so much!
I have the opportunity to have an affair (would just be sex!) I wouldn’t do it but the temptation is all too great at times.

What do I do? The thought of breaking up my family upsets me so much but I’m aware we can’t stay like this forever! It’s starting to affect me mentally!

Also just to add he is a good father and idolises them. Marriage wise he has neglected me, I’ve told him how I feel previously but it doesn’t get taken on board, this also leads to resentment and frustration on my part.

You need to end it now. It's pretty clear this won't get better. It will be hard initially but the best for everyone in the long run.

@pog100 - Thanks for your message, I know I do, I’m just not ready yet.

Would you consider seeking legal advice; after all knowledge is power.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you two. This is patently not the relationship model they should be learning from. They can and do pick up on all the vibes here both spoken and unspoken between you two.

A good father to his children also would not have treated you as their mother like he has done.

Maybe it would help if i told you my story. I was married for a long time too with v young children when my husband did a dispicable thing ( got drunk and hit me badly) which started a chain of events where i ended up opening to people how my marriage was ( cold and uncaring) . I also had counselling and saw even more how abusive it was (my dad was also abusive so i had poor levels of acceptability). Anyway i was so low and hurt and lonely i decided that i couldnt do it anymore and we would be a happier family without him (he wasnt bothered about the kids in the end saying he wanted me to have all the hard work) . Divorce was no picnic but i fought him for me and my children . I went back to study and worked and now earn more than him and live with the children in our happy home free of abuse. The repercussions of how he treated me and in the end the children have had an impact and we have had family therapy as a result which helped enormously. I would say you have no idea what you are capable of yet. Keep tick lists of your to do's and achievements however small ( like getting the kids in bed) . Have lots of duvet pj days with the kids and show them you do not need to accept abuse . Im now in a happy relationship where im put first and loved as are the children who havnt seen there dad now for about 7 years, he sends no cards on birthdays and xmas and in fact ignores them. They have coped amaxingly and im so proud of all of us as we are happier now out of his abuse moving forwards. I urge you not to have another man in your life at this stage as you need clarity here to make decisions clearly also im sure if your ex found out he would probably say you broke u the marriage by having an affair taking no respinsibility at all . Be strong here

Would he consider couples counselling? I see two options - intensive work on your marriage with outside help or to separate. People get very focused on "not breaking up a marriage" but children are happier with 2 separate parents who coparent well than with a paired set who are unhappy.

I forgot to say that I think an affair would only be profoundly unhelpful in the long run. Also, your husband may not be abusive as unfortunately @Molly333 has experienced, but him not meeting your needs and not emotionally responding to you or supporting you is 'enough' reason to separate. Like @AttilaTheMeerkat I think understanding your position legally and financially will be helpful even if you take no further steps at present

I wouldn’t have an affair whilst still married and it would have just been sex, nothing more! It’s very tempting though because I really crave and miss that part of my relationship.

My husband isn’t abusive and generally respects me, just he has neglected the marriage, it’s sad really!

I just hate the thought of splitting the family and being the one responsible.

Have you told him this could become a marriage breaker or does he just think you're "moaning"? If he knew you're close to breaking point he might be motivated to improve things?

@Anothernick - He doesn’t take things constructively.

I can cope with most things but the sex side of things, I can’t! I miss it so much! I know to some it’s not important but to me it is!

[quote What2Do78]@Anothernick - He doesn’t take things constructively.

I can cope with most things but the sex side of things, I can’t! I miss it so much! I know to some it’s not important but to me it is![/quote]
You're right about that, I don't think we would have got through the bad times if it hadn't been for strong sexual chemistry - I can recall more than one occasion on which we had a huge row during the day and then found ourselves unable to resist our urges that night. It somehow makes other problems seem less important.

@Anothernick - It’s not even the arguments, we don’t tend to get vocal and even then we’ll walk away. There is just no spark there anymore, no love, excitement, eager to pleasure me, lots of little things that make me feel the way I do! We live as friends and not lovers!
I’m glad you have that with your wife, if you have that, then it’s half the battle.

I just hate the thought of splitting the family and being the one responsible.

Are you responsible for him neglecting the relationship then?

If you don't feel able to make a decision now, which is fine, then gathering information on what would happen and what you'd need to consider etc etc and maybe therapy for yourself to be able to talk things through could be helpful steps.

I stuck it out in a relationship like yours. I could always find another deadline after which it would be easier. It never was and the kids were teens by the time he finally forced the issue. It moved slowly from a room mate scenario to him constantly sniping and my eldest in particular finding it amusing to tag team with his dad. Being brave and going sooner would have been so much better for everyone.
A good dad won't ignore the mother's needs but maybe he is just withdrawing and finds the relationship with his kids easier.
Look after yourself. Look after your kids. And if he isn't playing then really start to look closely at why.