Is it true most men are commitment phobes?

[Asparagus123]

There are many self help / relationship books out there that say most men are natural commitment phobes and it should never be a woman who progresses a relationship.

Is this true?

Not my experience. I know quite a few men that are very dedicated when in a relationship and were really desperate to find a wife!

It really depends on the person and maybe how they were raised.

Apparently it’s all down to timing.

When they are ready, they will settle with whoever they’re with at the time.

They could have the most amazing person but if the timing is wrong it won’t happen.

Nope, blokes generally seem quite keen to lock you down. Not necessarily share wealth and worldly goods commitment, but to have you baggsied.

No.

I actually think a lot of people men and woman alike have limited idea of what 'commitment' actually means for them. It's one of those open-ended phrases that people throw around without thinking about very much.

Commitment is different for everyone. I am in a committed relationship....we don't live together, we live nearly 2 hours apart from each other, see each other every 2 weeks but speak daily. For someone else that would not be commitment as they would be looking for a man to live with and marry then have children. We are committed to each other and do not date anyone else. After a really difficult separation from someone 5 years ago this is the only way I want a relationship now....so does that make me a commitment phobe?

I think it’s more misaligned expectations. Men, as a group, are not socially conditioned to believe that the apex of your life is to get married, have babies and live happily ever after in quite the same way women are - if that is sold to men at all it’s as the thing you eventually do when you’ve had all your fun and lived a life and sown your wild oats and now it’s time to accept you have to settle down. My theory is that because of that, many men see “committing” as the signal they are a bit ‘past it’ - not something many people want to think about or see themselves as, and so they avoid it for as long as possible.

As others posters have said, once you start defining commitment more esoterically and less in parallel with the idea of a relationship escalator, you’ll see different and more positive attitudes and better matched expectations.

Not really, but a high percentage of men on the dating scene are commitment phobic so you have a higher chance of encountering quite a few while dating. Not having a biological clock, a lot of men have this notion that they will meet their perfect match eventually, so they are not in a rush to settle down, they keep dating and looking for better options well into their 40s and beyond.

Also agree with @ComtesseDeSpair

Most want to get married and have children. Even teenage boys will admit that. They statistically settle slightly later than women and many are genuinely unaware of the biological restraints on starting a family later.

Well I'm a woman, and two,failed marriages and a string of failed relationships have turned me into a 'commitment phobe' I suppose. My best trick is to become attracted to men that are totally inappropriate for me.

I agree, a lot is to do with timing. I met dp when he was 28. We took our relationship slowly, 5 years later are expecting our first child.
However if we met when he was younger I don't think it would of worked out. He is a lovely mature man, but was definitely a lot more childish in his 20s 😂, as I'm sure most men/women are.

I think it's a massive oversimplification. I met my husband when we were both just out of university. We got together after being friends for a few months, then he proposed a couple of years after that and we got married less than a year after that. So we were married about three years after meeting one another in our very early twenties. Then he was the one to initiate discussions about TTC with both of our children, obviously it was a joint decision but I neve had to coax him into it or anything

Having said that, I do think that (broadly speaking) men do still have more socioeconomic power and also have the advantage of not needing to worry about their biological clock, so unless a man really does want to settle down there is very little societal or personal pressure on him to do so (especially since the expectation that a couple would marry before having sex/babies is much less strong when compared to a few generations ago).

@ComtesseDeSpair

I think it’s more misaligned expectations. Men, as a group, are not socially conditioned to believe that the apex of your life is to get married, have babies and live happily ever after in quite the same way women are - if that is sold to men at all it’s as the thing you eventually do when you’ve had all your fun and lived a life and sown your wild oats and now it’s time to accept you have to settle down. My theory is that because of that, many men see “committing” as the signal they are a bit ‘past it’ - not something many people want to think about or see themselves as, and so they avoid it for as long as possible.

As others posters have said, once you start defining commitment more esoterically and less in parallel with the idea of a relationship escalator, you’ll see different and more positive attitudes and better matched expectations.

Yes, exactly. And of course men as well as women can resist social conditioning. DH tried to get me to marry him for years before I agreed.

My son is 22. He's had two girlfriends and he doesn't often date. He's not interested in racking up huge numbers of women. He'd like to have a nice, drama free (on both sides) relationship with someone and settle down before he's 30. Ideally. He wants children and wants to take an active role in their upbringing.

He's in his final year at universe and (covid willing) wants to work abroad for a year so he isn't interested in a relationship right now because he doesn't really see the point if he knows what his plans are for the next couple of years - his previous 2 relationships broke down because the first girl attempted suicide when he got a place at university (he went at 19 and she was 20) and his second broke down because although she spent christmas with us (her family don't celebrate for religious reasons), he had never met her parents after 2 years and then she had a psychotic breakdown (diagnosed), (she says) partly at the pressures of uni and lockdown and partly at the thought of him leaving for a year after graduating. I liked both of them and it was really sad but not due to him. He was committed to both of them.