I've name changed for this list as I have relatives on here so want to try my best not out myself.
I'm not sure Relationships is the place for this but here goes....
I feel like I'm drowning. Everything feels so bleak.
My mum died out of the blue at the end of summer.. It was undiagnosed cancer. She was fit and well one minute, 2 weeks later she was dead. Me and my sister cared for her at home but it was really traumatic. She didn't have a terribly peaceful death. She had lots of distress, said some awfully dark things. She died so suddenly that the drs aren't entirely sure exactly what kind of cancer she had or where it started. This is troubling me. I'm finding it hard to digest. I'm having nightmares and insomnia, on top of normal grief.
My dd is doing her mocks and is very stressed. We're very close but she spills every thought. worry and fear onto me whenever she feels anxious. I find it hard to brush it off afterwards and absorb it like a sponge.
My ds.is 13. No real issues. He's just very selfish and monosyllabic. Not unusual I'm sure.
My dais's life is pretty shit. She's in an abusive marriage and won't leave. She copes by not talking about emotional things.
DH is also a problem, For the past 12 months he's been really distant, grumpy and untalkative. Last week I went to talk to him frankly about how distant he is and how I need him. He basically came clean and told me that he feels like a broken man in his career. He's a freelancer in a creative field and has always earned a fairly good living (he's in his 50's). He told me that over the past few years he's been 'blackballed' by the company he's worked for over 28 years and he's been blocked from getting work. Jobs that he would have been given before have been denied him. He's tried to sort things out with HR but has got nowhere. Now he's left with scraps of work - feeling hurt, angry and utterly broken. His self esteem is in the toilet. We had a good long chat where he cried lots. He said he feels confused about what he wants to do next. Feels completely lost and too old to try anything new. I told him he should see his GP about depression and also maybe find a councellor to talk through all his feelings. He said he would.
But he hasn't. Things are now just back to miserable normal. He's off work until his next ' scrappy' job in January.
I'm feel feeling overwhelmed. I'm working (I'm freelance too) but I'm barely holding it together. I'm not sleeping. I'm menopausal so feel ill a lot of the time. I feel totally bleak about everything. I feel like I have to look after everyone else and now have the possibly being the sole wage earner soon.
I feel like I'm in a game of family misery too trumps - I feel like shouting at everyone "my brilliant, funny and strong Mim is fucking DEAD!! And I have to somehow carry on and deal with everyone's shit! What about ME??"
How on earth do I get out of feeling this? I feel like I need a counsellor more than my DH. One minute I feel like hugging him and the next I feel like shouting at him that he needs to make himself better. Take charge! Make decisions! Find some joy! Do something!! You selfish prick!
Dealing with a depressed DH with a career crisis and grieving my mum at the same time is not something I planned this year.
Argh. Sorry that was so long. I needed to get it out. Thanks for listening.
I do need help. I know