My brother and I live at home, I am 23 and he is 20.
When we were growing up I was parentified. I think it was because of my parents' mental health and financial struggles that caused me to be parentified. I could write pages and pages of examples but I don't want to ramble so I hope that background information is sufficient. But the parentification meant that I always felt like I needed to earn my place in the family and even now I feel so much guilt for temporarily living at home even though I pay rent. I always felt like the parentification made me special and like a 'golden child' of sorts and like it would make my parents love me. I tried to act like the perfect daughter growing up, a complete goody two shoes who got straight As, never got into any trouble, etc. I completely suppressed my entire childhood; I remember at 7 years old being told I was too old to laugh or play with toys. I am 23 and I honestly feel middle-aged as I have had to be mature for so long.
I still act in that role. I go above and beyond to contribute to the household both financially and practically. My brother does neither. He quits/gets fired job after job after job, borrows money from my parents that he never pays back, etc. When he gets paid he will spend all of his money so he can't pay any rent towards my parents, not even just a token amount. I know he is only 20, but when I was his age I was contributing financially and practically to the family and acting like an adult. My parents feel sorry for him because he seems lost in life and because he is the baby of the family so they buy him things all the time in a misguided attempt to make him happy.
I feel so much resentment and frustration and it is not directed at my brother specifically. Honestly, I don't really care that he is immature, he's a young adult and I'm sure he will grow out of it soon enough. I don't care whether he pays rent or not. But I feel so much anger and resentment and I think it's because this situation has made me realise how futile all my fawning and pandering is. My worldview has come crashing down. No matter how much I help my parents it doesn't matter. It's all pointless. It doesn't earn their affection or love or attention or gratitude. It's just something that has been ingrained in me. I feel humiliated at how pathetic I have been my entire life. This evening I am exhausted and I need to go and help my parents with something that will take 1-2 hours of my time and I just don't want to to do it anymore, what is the point of forcing myself to help with something I don't want to do. It's beyond just helping out occasionally to be a nice person, I have no boundaries and no ability to ever say no. I have no respect for myself, my time, my money, nothing. Deep down I feel guilty for my entire existence and like I need to prove myself by being helpful; deep down I feel like my place in my family/home was/is precarious and dependent on me being a people-pleaser.
I know I need to move out. I am moving out next year. However, this is my family and even if I do move out the dynamic will still not change and I'll probably just copy the same people pleasing ways in other relationships in my life. I need to assert myself more and establish better boundaries. I need to know the difference between being a kind and helpful person and being a complete pushover.