Delaying meeting exh partner .

[spottymasks]

I am in a pickle. My kids have recently learned of their fathers infidelity and subsequent leaving the family because of this. He is in a relationship with his affair partner for at least 18 months that I know of . We are separated a year .
Kids have adapted well up till now . They now know about his partner and after much anger and tears, they would like to be introduced to her . My problem is that he has told them that it will be at least 18 months before they meet her as she is not ready and the time is not right .
Originally he wanted to tell the kids about her when we separated and had hoped to introduce her thereafter . This has all changed now. I suspect she doesn't want to meet them such is the delay and he was wanting to introduce her to the kids last year. There is nothing I can do is there??? They are devastated and once more, he swans off leaving yet another shitstorm behind him. I'm so hurt for them .
I am in a relationship and have no intention of telling kids until we are solid and together at least six months and then introduce after a year in total.
So in effect , all going well they will meet and hopefully have a casual relationship with my boyfriend befor they even meet their fathers affair partner of three years.
I don't know how to deal with this . Any advice . Kids are 11 and 9.thanks

Any advice please?

What an arse, still prioritising his shag over his children. Not sure there's anything you can do about it though.

You dont deal with it he does.

He needs to explain to them why there is a delay. Do not allow him to leave it to you. Put the ball back in his court and explain to the children that you dont know the answer and that it is his relationship so he needs to explain.

Reassure them that the delay is nothing to do with them and they are wonderful children.

It’s his job to deal with this and you shouldn’t cover for him because you need your children to trust you. I would tell them that their wish to meet is understandable, and that it’s up to their father and his partner. That it’s fine to talk to their father about it, and ask him about the reasoning if they don’t understand, but that it might not change anyone’s mind.

It is an awful situation for you because you have to support them through their upset, but don’t have any influence on the cause of it. You can only reinforce that any and all feelings they have about the whole issue are valid, and that it is fine to express them directly to their father. I don’t know how open your ex is to these things, or if he gets defensive if you raise things on behalf of the children and treats you like it is you making problems, rather than just reporting their feelings, but he needs to understand the effect his decisions have on them.

My ex says he will decide when they meet her , that the time is wrong ( for her) that she is not ready, that I am being pushy and that I am wrong to think that she isn't really interested in developing a relationship with them however casual . Bearing in my mind that they have been in a relationship for 18 months, it seems like a whole pile of shit to me .
Great advice

Perhaps she feels like if they meet her so soon after they have found out about the infidelity they will still feel very raw about it, and be predisposed to dislike her, making the relationship difficult. It could come from a good place, but equally it may not.

The whole thing is a pile of shit your children didn’t ask for, and their father needs to face the messy reality of their feelings. It doesn’t matter how hard he’s trying - he’s the adult and they don’t owe him an easy ride. We expect our kids to be honest and tell them they must never lie to us, and then they find out they’ve been lied to by their father. Children look up to their parents, and it shakes their world when they let them down.

You can’t protect them from any of it, only validate their feelings and help them feel secure and loved, and keep reinforcing that it’s not their fault.