How good does your support network need to be to leave ?

[bumbojumbo]

Thinking of leaving DH after 18 year marriage. I have one bestie and possibly 2 other friends who i see occasionally, plus my parents.

I'm thinking I need to increase this circle or i am going to spending a lot of time alone when the DC are at ex DH ? how do I do it ?

I don’t know but reading with interest as I’m in a very similar position. No good support system keeps me in a sub standard marriage

Really depends what sort of person you are. For me, that size of social circle is ample. I work full time with a long commute (in normal times) so my weekends are precious and I find it harder to keep them clear than I do to fill them. In the evenings I'm happy amusing myself online, doing hobbies or playing pc games.

If you're more of a people person, I'd have thought that you would more opportunities to build your social network after splitting than beforehand?

@Supereager my lack of social circle is massively keeping me in a sub standard marriage. In Jan I plan to tell me DH i want a trial separation but i am so worried I will be home alone with just me and the DC all the time and then when DC are with their dad i will be alone the whole time. I am a people person. I have the gym (when open) but that's only an hours activity. I couldn't bear to be home alone on a fri/sat night in the summer for example and under normal times, when everyone else is out enjoying themselves in the pub/BBQs etc. I hate the fact that this is trapping me to stay. I have started reaching out to a few more distance friends and even an old friend from school from a very very long time ago. PM me if you fancy a chat and to see if we live close to each other.

OP, you shouldn’t be so uncomfortable in your own company that you stay in an unhappy marriage.
I was widowed with two babies and almost no “support network” - my nearest relatives were 250 miles away and working full time. I have currently been alone for 29 years and never remarried, but I have managed to have a life!
I brought the DC up alone while working as a hospital doctor, and slowly built up a social life, through church, teaching Sunday school, joining clubs (book circle, bridge club, table tennis club, etc).
I used to be completely wrapped up in my DH, whom I adored - we were all in all to each other, so it was very daunting to try and fill that void - but believe me, it can be done. You just need to be open to making new contacts and trying new hobbies.
Good luck!

I think you're looking at this the wrong way round.
Your support network will widen once you leave your marriage. Your whole life will change and adapt.

Rather home alone than lonely and miserable in a relationship.

Op you'll find that once you leave you'll get busier, you'll have the opportunity, when the dc are with your ex, to join clubs, find new hobbies, spend time in your house enjoying things such as gardening, reading, watching films etc.

You don't need a huge social circle, you need to enjoy being with your own company.

See I'm a ppl person but I really dont get why anyone would hate being alone do much that they'd stay married to someone they don't like anymore.

There should be plenty of happiness to find in your own company. Hobbies, movies, just pottering about. And you have some mates so it's not like you'll never see anyone. I think this is just a big thing to do so you are making excuses not to. Be brave!

that is the problem - I am a huge FOMO person who doesn't enjoy their own company. I cannot stand to stay indoors, I have to be out doing something, anything. I could do the odd sunday here and there when its cold and dark outside (and I am hanging from a great night out lol) but under normal circumstances and especially on a warm summers da/eve I would need to be out out. How is this going to work ?

Yep you're still looking at it the wrong way. Stop focusing on your social life right now and the steps on how to separate instead.

It isn't working now though. You're stuck in with him.

Could it be you maybe don't enjoy your own company for the same reason you stay with him: Low self esteem?

Either way, if you leave then you get to work on your own personal weaknesses. Just because something might be a challenge, doesnt mean you should avoid it. See things as a chance to grow.

And if you find yourself struggling, there are always 'meetup' groups ect to ho out with at the weekends. Plenty of options if you still find being on your own tough.

Maybe you should examine why you're like that with a counsellor or therapist? Because that sounds a step beyond just being a people-person if you can't bear a bit of alone time.

On the bright side, I'm not sure why you think you'd have a problem filling your time, as you sound well-suited to creating a social network.

I left without any support network. Lots do.

You leave then you build one.

You already have ideas on how you want to spend your time, so I fail to see any barrier here.

It sounds like you're making excuses to stay tbh.

I agree you can't stay in an unhappy relationship because you're scared of being alone

I left my husband and had very little support. My brother who is 50 mins away and a couple of local friends. But I'm so much happier now. My life started to open up more when I was on my own. Sometimes I'd just sleep at weekends and do housework and other times I'd do more interesting things.

After 3 years I met someone else and although I'm happy I miss the complete freedom I had before.

Also, this fear of being alone will lead you into jumping straight into and fast-forwarding (potentially rubbish and unsuitable) relationships, which is really not the place to be as a single mum. So you really should address it.

I have a lot of freedom now in my marriage - I can go out when I want and on holiday when I want. That freedom will diminish if I go alone, as I will have set days when I have the DC and set days when they are with their DH. I accept that.

I'm bored in my marriage, he bores me, we have little to nothing to talk about but he is happy doing sitting in silence; he is on the ASD spectrum which makes things hard; he is not the gentleman type I want to be with; he does not want sex and ignores all my initiations; I am so very lonely. If I won a dream holiday for 2 I would not want to take him with me; I don't laugh with him. He is companionship, brings in a decent wage (like me), looks after the children when I go out.

So basically you could get a babysitter instead lol. And a pet for companionship.

It sounds like it's just fear of the unknown op.

Surely if you want a holiday whilst single, he can have them a few extra days too.

You can go on holiday when you want with the DC home?
How old are they?

There isn't some set package that comes with divorce/separation of how it will be.
Every family is different.
I think you're dreaming way ahead before planning the actual steps.

Two separate issues I think. If you need to end the marriage because you are unhappy in it, then that is what you must do.

Once you are free you can branch out and make new friends. Not having loads of friends is no reason to tolerate an unhappy marriage.

I think your perception of being home might change once your DH isn't in it. It's the desire to not be sitting in with him that drives your desire to go out.

Children grow up (and become better company), babysitters exist, contact time means you're free to go out when you want. When your home is a sanctuary, you don't need to leave it as much - I am a massive people-person, out loads too, but I am equally happy staying in because I like spending time with my DH and DS. (Not so much the bastard dog, mind you...)