No help with moving house

[RoseQuartz1]

We’ve recently relocated, I’m a SAHM and my husband doesn’t recognise any merit in what I do. We have one child aged 2. He’s recently been promoted in a really good job, me staying home has enabled him to travel for work (pre COVID).

We have recently relocated and I can’t get over the fact he did nothing to help. Didn’t pack a single box or make a phone call. Things got very complicated with our move and I had to do literally everything. If I hadn’t we wouldn’t have been able to move.

I’m constantly reminded that he’s the Sole Breadwinner. Since our child was born he’s really changed and focuses on the fact he’s the breadwinner, to the extent he spoilt the time at home with our child. I feel he’s very scathing towards me, although I plan to return to work and had a good job. He’s always having naps or lie ins because he’s the bread winner. If I talk to him about it he either says well he’s the bread winner, or that I’m paranoid.

I just can’t believe he watched me pack everything and organise our move without doing anything much to help. Last week he mentioned I must have PTSD from it so he must realise it was wrong.

I’ve spoken to Women’s Aid before as he’s been verbally abusive over the past couple of years and they mentioned narcissistic traits. I’m not sure what I’m asking, just feel it’s shocking anyone could be so unhelpful during a house move!

He sounds like a complete arsehole and his behaviour isn't normal. I'm a SAHM with 2 children and my husband has never once said that he's the breadwinner or used his earnings against me.
Being a SAHM is one of the hardest jobs and any sane person would understand and appreciate that.

He's emotionally and verbally abusive and honestly, I think you'd probably be happier away from his negativity.

Go back to work
Leave him

Every time he announces he's the breadwinner I would say loudly I grew our child. Me. Me alone. I am solely responsible for that miracle developing in my womb. And I. I gave birth! Praise be to me for creating our child!

He sounds a knob. We can all fucking work. Remind him how much a full time housekeeper, cook, nanny and PA costs. Does his manly breadwinner salary allow for that kind of lifestyle? No? Then he should be grateful to you.

Go get a job, the fact you have already been close to leaving as you contacted Womens Aid shows you are very unhappy. He is not the man you should be raising a child with. Take your time to find work, get financially independent then go find a better life either on your own or find a man who appreciates you. This wont get better by a long shot.

Go get a job

@litterbird OP's child is 2, I don't think it's unreasonable for her to not be working yet, especially as it'll mean they don't have to spend as much on childcare.

It's extraordinary that these men seem to think that fairies come along and look after their children and houses while they are at work. And that their SAHM spouses do nothing.

I would suggest talking. Again. Maybe counselling. If he doesn't respect what you do then what's the point of being together?

1. Go back to work.
2. Don't have any more children.
3. Keep a diary of his behaviour. Maybe confide in someone IRL. If he is abusive his behaviour could ramp up.
4. Make sure you have access to all financial information. Maybe start to squirrel a bit of money away for yourself.

Great advice from @RhymesWithOrange

@SoulofanAggron, the reference to working is for her self interest. Men such as him will not value her role as SAHM and if they separate, which seems likely, she will be very vulnerable without her own income. CMS is only a small percentage of the costs to raise a child and I doubt her H will be financially supportive.

Op, it is shocking that this attitude amongst, I assume, relatively young fathers exist. It is often after a child is born that a man changes as the power shifts alters his thinking. Weak men tend to behave like this as they feel powerful and in control of a partner who they perceive as vulnerable and worthy of contempt.

What is his parents marriage like?

Oh OP. You and your child deserve better than this.

If your childs partner was like this, what would you be saying to them?

OP, being a SAHM only works if your partner values what you do, if you both agree to it, and if you both want it and even then it can be soul destroying. You have neither his respect nor his support so I think you really need to make a plan to leave.

Also, while he is a breadwinner, a partner who was a true partner and who valued his family, would do 50:50 childcare on the weekends or whenever he was off work so that you could both have time for yourselves and time for the three of you as a family. That is what a proper partnership looks like, it is not what you have.

Do what withorange says.

My dh is also an arsehole and never helped with any of the 4 moves we have done with kids ( including one overseas) but no it shouldn’t be common at all.

Thing is they don't form a relationship with the DC. So the DC then goes to DM for everything, he has no idea that being with the DC can be fun, he just sees it as him 'having' to do something not of his first choice eg having to play wiht DC when he could be lolling on sofa.
He needs to be forced to spend time with DC alone so they form a relationship. If he then finds he enjoys the attention from DC, enjoys doing thing with him and feels rewarded then the situation can probably be saved. I know people will say it is up to him but he doesn't know what he is missing, and even if you separate he will still spend time with DC for the rest of his life. I think it's worth you working to try to salvage this as he won't.

@SoulofanAggron

Go get a job

@litterbird OP's child is 2, I don't think it's unreasonable for her to not be working yet, especially as it'll mean they don't have to spend as much on childcare.

If her husband is abusive she should protect herself by getting a job asap.

If he's that bad you've had to contact women's aid, and he never helps with anything, what's the point of him? You might as well separate, at least tell him you are thinking about it, so he understands how out of order his behaviour is.

Personally I would look for part time work and get your husband to put his money where is mouth is. Put your child in nursery and have some independence for yourself. You might be out of pocket until he's 3 but it would also mean your husband can't rub it in your face.

Why did you allow him to sit their and watch ? Stop enabling his shitty behaviour, go back to work and force him to find childcare.

Tell him due to his behavior you feel you have no choice but to return to work, he will now need to help with childcare

He sounds like an arsehole. Talk to him about what you want from the relationship moving forward (physical help like getting up with the kids on the weekend, acknowledgement of the value you add to the family etc), ask how he views things and, if you can't agree and nothing changes, leave.

You are wasting your life on somebody who disrespects you. At some point your child will pick up on these vibes. I speak from experience. Get out now while you and your child can bounce back easily. You have your whole life in front of you. Split, share out the assets. Make him realise what he’s lost. You’ll get weekends to yourself to have fun. He will have to do childcare. Short sharp shock. Only you can do this. You could have somebody who thinks the world of you. Don’t you deserve that?

My exh did similar op.. Told me he had taken 2 weeks off post move.
Moved on a Saturday one March.. he went to work on the Monday.

Threw him out end of June.
Waste
Of
Space..
Yanbu to reconsider your relationship..

My ex used to say, "If you can earn as much as me, I'll stay at home all day." It kept me cowed for years.
One of many reasons I divorced him.