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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Groundhog day (again) and the friend who cried wolf......

10 replies

Yorkshirepudding · 19/10/2007 09:57

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catsmother · 19/10/2007 10:08

You can only do as much as you can physically and emotionally bear at any given time ..... as you say you have a busy life too, and people's lives don't usually remain static either - the support you were once able to give at another time may not be possible right now due to your own current circumstances.

If you genuinely care for this friend and want this relationship to continue, then I'd explain to her what you have said here: that you had left her alone, as, based on past experience, she'd often preferred to get her head together on her own. Point out that if you didn't care, you wouldn't have texted, and, without responses from her, you literally haven't got the time to keep badgering her in order to "drag the problem" from her. Additionally, you were worried that if you kept trying to contact her she'd feel pressured.

If however, you feel that she is too much of a drain and aren't getting anything from this friendship yourself (apart from angst, worry, and a feeling of obligation) then maybe the time has come to be blunter with her ? This could go 1 of 2 ways, either it'll wake her up a bit to the fact that you have been a great, supportive friend and she hasn't appreciated this - and she'll apologise for snapping at you, or, she'll go off in a huff. Obviously, you'd need to be prepared for either scenario.

But it certainly doesn't sound as if you've done anything wrong. TBH, she sounds a bit of a user, regardless of how sympathetic you are to her dreadful experiences of men.

Yorkshirepudding · 19/10/2007 10:41

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HappyWoman · 19/10/2007 10:54

I had this with a family member and it went on for years - i took a long time to get over it and used to try and fix it. eventually i had to accept that we would not get on.

She has recently come back into my life and now sees that she was to blame for a lot of it - it is when people dont really understand and expect you to second guess what it is that they want.

We now have a great relationship and we have choosen to 'forget' the lost years and it is really great now. she knows if i dont return her calls it is becasue i am busy and she can always phone me. I will tell her if it is not convienient too.

You need to tell each other what you expect from each other.

Yorkshirepudding · 19/10/2007 11:02

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Yorkshirepudding · 19/10/2007 11:45

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DrNortherner · 19/10/2007 11:50

Oh just seen this

I can guess who you are referring to. I think she is in a terrible relationship and until she admits this it could have an effect on her friendships and people who do care about her (ie you) I think he is controlling and domineering and would not be suprised if he is encouraging a little fall out between the 2 of you.

That's my opinion FWIW. I know it doesn't help and no wonder you feel upset.

Tonight you and me, vino and fags

Yorkshirepudding · 19/10/2007 11:53

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Sunshinecursedmummy · 19/10/2007 11:55

It sounds like she's lashing out at you because she can't resolve the real problems in her life. It sounds like you're a great friend. I guess you need to decide whether you can keep going like this.

Neverenough · 19/10/2007 12:00

YorkshirePudding, she is playing games because it sounds like it is her modus operandi. Because you haven't responded as she expects, she is putting the emotional thumbscrews on because it has probably worked in the past for her with you.
But other posters on here are right-if she makes you cross, annoyed etc what are you getting out of the relationship?
You've offered her friendship,just wait now....it's up to her. Just continue to be supportive but on your terms. Hope that's helpful. I have had a similar friendship btw and was similarly hurt by the " oh my OTHER friends helped me when you couldn't be bothered" comment.

Yorkshirepudding · 19/10/2007 12:39

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