Are attachment styles real?

[Asparagus123]

So let’s say you’re dating an avoidant man. How do you know if he’s avoidant, or just not that into you?

Arrachment styoes are just one set of explanations about human behaviour. They explain some things but don't address many others.

So yes, they are real, but are not the whole story.

To answer your question, it almost doesn't matter which. What do you want to do about it? That's all that matters!

Personally I think they are largely a load of bollocks. Some people need more space than others, some take longer to fall for people, some people need different things from a partner. And some people, are just dicks.

Or, as you said, just not that into you.

Rule of thumb, avoid 'cold' sorts of people.
Second rule of thumb, if he is into you, you shouldn't have to chase him.

Personally I think they are largely a load of bollocks. In their original setting they are fine, they do describe different behaviours well. But their vox pop use is awful, as is most psychology when it escapes into the wild!

Attachment styles are not relevant in the early days of a relationship at least not for the partner.

If a long standing relationship is hitting issues, then attachment style may be relevant and worth exploring.

Generally your own attachment style is what matters. If you can't progress a relationship and you want to, if you are sabotaging relationships you value, then you seek help.

Does it really matter?

Attaching a label to the behaviour doesn't magically make it OK or something you should tolerate.

If he's behaving like he's not into you and you're hurt and insecure, then the relationship is bad for you. It doesn't matter if he's "avoidant" or just not into you, it's irrelevant. Neither makes the relationship safe or happy for you. Don't go in thinking he's broken and your love can "fix" him, it's a foolish, painful path.

I think they're more usefully considered when thinking about your own behaviour in early relationships. I'm definitely anxiously attached and it rears its head in new relationships. In my current one, with therapy I can now recognise this and we've talked about it which is massively helping. There's a well regarded book on the subject, called Attached I think? I'll find a link if you like.