Thinking of leaving my husband but have no funds. Is it possible?

[roundandaroundagain]

Just that really. I think I'm starting to dislike him. I don't feel supported and I feel alone. He has zero empathy and if I ever got depressed I'd be doomed. I'm
already feeling low. Only a few years ago I threw all my money into a house and have struggled with money ever since. We are joint owners. Not much equity and I have a minimum wage job thanks to the arts going to pot. I'm based in Scotland. Any advice? I have no family to rely on. I feel screwed and stuck and completely dependant on him and lastly I'm not longer the strong independent person I was. I wish I had never married him.

Do you have children, could he buy you out?

Do you have DC? If not then just leave! If you only have yourself to support surely you can live on beans/stay with family until you find your feet?

Sorry you said no family to rely on. Any Friends who could help?

Yes it is possible. Look into what benefits you can get and speak to citizens advice

OP - leaving is of course possible. However -
Leaving isn’t always a magical solution to feeling low and unhappy.
Are you sure you aren’t mildly depressed already?

As to the mechanics of leaving - you don’t need much to divorce. I presume you don’t have children - so you split proceeds from the house and get a place to live and make do with your salary and whatever benefits you are eligible for.
But I do come back to - will that make you happier?

I get a feeling that something in the relationship isn’t working for you - have you tried talking to your H about it? What sort of support do you need and can he possibly try harder?
As to being empathetic or not - some people are, some are less so. If you got depressed - what you need is a good GP to refer you to a counsellor. Empathy of your H won’t help you feel better. You need to take responsibility for your mental health yourself - your H isn’t your keeper.

Empathy of your H won’t help you feel better.

If her mh is poor, it won't cure it, no - but an unsupportive, cold partner makes it worse, and you should be able to expect care and support from your spouse. What's the point of a partner at all if you're as on your own emotionally with them as you would be without them?!

Here here...@category12

Both partners in the relationship are due care and support. Both the OP and her H.
It’s a short post and hard to tell what is really going on there.
All I was saying - splitting up isn’t always a quick fix. And there are huge financial implications to splitting, by the sound of it.

So OP needs to realise what she would be trading - unsupportive partner with financial security; for being on her own without his financial contribution. At least in the short term that may actually make her MH much worse.

So in her place - rather than acting on emotion (being unhappy) - I’d make a plan and prepare. See if you can get a bit more of your financial independence back - you said you used to have that, so maybe you can try to get back to whatever it is you were doing before?
Also try to get your MH under control a bit more - go to your GP and see if you can get counselling.

But also - unless you have tried and failed it - try to see if there is anything you can do as a couple to change things.

Sorry I disappeared just busy, yes I have 2 kids. 1 only 5 months. I'll read the replies now.

Thank you everyone who replied. To clarify, I'm 39 and have a 4 year old and a 5 month old. I have moved around a lot in life and therefore don't have many friends. I moved here 3 years ago and haven't made any friends because I'm
Either working or looking after the kids. My husband works long shifts and I am alone a lot particularly during this pandemic. I live rurally and feel stuck in my house all the time not seeing anyone. I am willing to consider that I might be mildly depressed. But above all I think I'm lonely. My husband is a self confessed loner, it's not that he's a social recluse as such, he just prefers his own company and tbh I think it's code for doing what he wants when he wants and living life without interference from others ...... I think he is quite selfish. I think he has made me live my life this way too, and that's why I feel the way I feel.

@MMmomDD I do hear what you're saying. I understand that the grass isn't always greener, I suppose I have released that he stresses me out and I'm calmer when he is not around. At the same time I'm doing so much for the kids that I'm exhausted and frustrated. I need a break in the routine but my 4 year old is clingy and he gives up very quickly when she says that she just wants mummy.
I hear you when you say that he is not my keeper, but what I want is someone to make me feel better, make me feel good about myself, and at least try to help me when I'm down. Isn't that what most people want from a relationship. As @category12 said, without the emotional support of your partner, what is the point of the partner, I may as well be alone?
Today I had a day where I just felt overwhelmed and tearful. I don't often get tearful but I'm feeling fed up. I had just dropped my elder child at childcare for a few hours, walked in to find DH still in his pjs at 10:30am drinking coffee and he said what's wrong, and I said I'm just overwhelmed and fed up of being in this house. He then suddenly snapped and had a go at me saying just because he goes to work doesn't mean he has it easier than me. I wasn't looking to argue I'm just trying to make him see how it is. Whenever I have been upset which isn't often, he never offers any sympathy. I'm a pretty resilient person but he wears me down. He's highly strung, and seems to think the world owes him. He's very arrogant, doesn't listen to anyone because he reckons he is always right. I'm starting to dislike him. I thought to myself, what nice things can I say about my husband? And I struggled. His family (who live a long way away) have also told him they trews eggshells around him. I'm starting to feel the same.

Tread*

@nolovelost

Do you have children, could he buy you out?

I doubt he could buy me out. He's a big spender and no spare cash. I stress a lot because I'm constantly trying to stop him putting us all in debt. The latest thing is he wants a TV. We have a working tv I'm on statutory mat leave. I'm fed up of the constant battles over his spending. He reckons we are going to America or China in summer. With what money might I ask? None....the credit card is his answer. He thinks everyone else gets a holiday so why shouldn't he. I'm so sick of it.

@Supereager

Yes it is possible. Look into what benefits you can get and speak to citizens advice

I might do that, thank you.

You can check what you'd be eligible for on the "entitled to".

Sounds like you'll never have any progress or money as a family if you stay with him, tbh. Might be better to be on your own and at least in control of the money you do have.

All I am saying OP - do some digging to understand what your situation would likely be if you separate.
By the sound of it - you are tired and overwhelmed. Which is understandable with a toddler and a baby. You also live in a new and remote place with not much support, which contributes to how you feel.
And your H works long shifts as you said.
Being on your own may or may not actually make your life any easier, or you any happier. Most of the time - logistically, practically and financially women lose from separating.

You are in the phase of marriage/childbearing that is hardest for many families. Many struggle and this is where joint tiredness enters and causes resentments. And it’s hard to see the other partner’s side when it happens.
I don’t know what your H does, but you mention he works long shifts. So - is he possibly also tired but has to carry on as the main breadwinner?

What you said to him about hating being in the house, and him snapping is totally understandable. You wanted sympathy for a hard slog, and he felt criticised as he is working hard to provide a roof for his family that seems to be not good enough.
In this instance, at least - both of you seemed to be wrong.

I don’t know what the answer is for you - but I do hope you find some way of feeling better.

@MMmomDD thank you for this, it certainly has helped me gain perspective and given me something to think about. The thing that bothers me is that I don't feel like we are a team. I do support him in many ways but I don't feel appreciated or supported emotionally. I am quite sure he Is hiding debts from me too. I'm planning to ask him about this over the weekend on his rest days.

Did you put more into the house than your DH? If so, there will be proof. Plus, being married gives you financial protection. You are entitled to at least half the assets - but maybe some of his debt in joint name. If he's that crap with money, it could be better to split sooner rather than later while there are still assets to claw back. There may be not much equity, but you should at least get the money back you put in, plus maintenance. Then live where you want to.