An admission of sorts (texting/emotional cheating?)

[NameChanged294749]

Long one, sorry. I posted at the time but had it pulled as I'd given too much away at a vulnerable time. Huge thanks for all previous support.

Some outcomes...

After weeks of protestations and I don't knows DP has admitted that he was aware there was something amiss with the way he was texting his new female friend (more regularly than any other contact bar me and his best friend, me not knowing about her beyond absolute basics given a long time ago when they first met and with no idea as to their closeness which he ended up concealing).

We have recently had a very calm talk through it all because I do want to work through it. This is the first time we have had a situation remotely like this in all our long relationship and I don't think I can leave him over texting. It hadn't escalated to anything more than the regular secret text chatting (nothing dirty) but as previous posters pointed out it sounded like a possible early stages EA and needed addressing regardless due to secretive and cagey behaviour. She is someone he sees on person every day anyway hence the excessive/intimate nature of bolting a very regular, evening and weekends texting relationship on top of that behind my back. Here are a few of his insights:

PROS

• he initially didn't tell me about her or their closeness because he is a man of few words anyway. Initially she had been a welcoming friendly face who had put him (nervous person) at ease. But he was aware she had become a go-to evening and weekends chat person very quickly and without my knowledge. By the time he realised it was something that needed outing he felt it was a bit late and he was scared about how to broach it as he knew that I would likely (and rightly) be concerned at the meaning behind the volume and regularity of texts and him having not kept me in the loop. He was worried about me saying 'she obviously fancies you and you're going along with it'. So he buried his head in the sand. He admits being a coward. (Please note I have NO history of paranoia or jealousy regarding female friends, he has several and I have a few close male friendships too).

• I pressed him about when/why he realised there could be an issue. The bit that felt off to him was the regularity and sudden go-to-ness of her, but he says he rationalized this as okay because he was so keen to make friends since his recent life change and she is talkative and friendly. And each individual message itself was 'safe' so when he checked in with himself it was easy to say nothing was wrong -- there was no over the top flirting or intimacy so texting could continue and I didn't really need to know, it was probably fine, just chat.

• He didn't dial it back after his own "realisations" and moments of questioning because he convinced himself he was doing/had done nothing wrong and to change his behaviour would have been to admit wrongdoing and make it real/make it a thing and he didn't want it to be a thing.

• He didn't know what was in it for her (which he admits is an issue but the uncertainty also let him continue to an extent as it wasn't definitely wrong) but he was apparently so certain in himself that it wasn't about fancying her or not loving me that he again managed to rationalise it to himself (we have now had the chat about how feelings can develop unexpectedly in intense/secretive relationships and he understands this was naive and risky.)

• He knows it was wrong to keep it from me and admits being a coward who thought he could just ignore the issue until it hopefully went away (which is stupid but not malevolent, I think?).

• He definitely loves me and definitely doesn't fancy her. (I can confirm she is not his type physically). It was more of an attention/validation thing, something to do/an opportunity to come across well in a new context but boundaries got blurred because he hadn't paused to consider where they should be.

• She did invite him to meet her to spend time together for a hobby just the two of them but he turned this down as he didnt want to go. It seems he knew this might have been going a bit too far (though he is still unsure of her intentions and still wants to think it has all just been plain friendly). He says he just didn't want to go point blank and wouldn't have accepted the invite from anyone else either.

CONS

• Apparent lack of self control: he says he realised after an evening spent texting her when I was out with the girls that maybe the situation needed reigning in. He proudly stated to me last night that this is when he decided he wasn't going to continue. I checked my calendar and then his phone and pointed out that he texted her again 2 days after that (admittedly in a more perfunctory way but certainly still while I was elsewhere and in a way that led to more chat). In a sense it seems he couldn't help himself and so despite his own realisations I'm not sure what would ever have been enough for him to stop of his own accord or bring this up with me, two things he claims he would have done eventually. I'm certain he wouldn't have as the two of them were only going to get closer as time went on and he already couldn't broach it with me. He agrees that he was perhaps on a slippery slope here (but still maintains no romantic interest in her).

• the absolute mess of it: it has taken weeks and several strops and arguments for this to come out so plainly. It has been like blood from a stone. The hobby/day out invite was only revealed to me last week. There was a lot of denial and self delusion it seems, with me being dragged along behind. This latest frank chat is the result of me saying look, this has gone on too long and I can't function in this relationship anymore. It was jump or be pushed.

So wise MN, what do you make of this and would you give it a go or LTB? I am wanting to work through it and he seems willing, even with therapy if needed, but I also want a reality check on the gravity of my decision.

Someone earlier up the thread pointed out that at least he was being honest with you and that this is a rarity. I though the same thing at that time. Following your recent update, I think it's highly likely he has given the illusion of honesty, telling you as much as he thinks you need to know to get you off the scent. The other thing I don't like about his 'honesty' is the fact that he's subtly blaming you via the implication that you had not provided the 'interest' in him that she was providing.
I've seen this before - people with cognitive dissonance due to sub-conscious guilt will find something to blame their partner for and they latch onto it so that they can feel vindicated in cheating (EA or physical). They latch onto such things accusing their partner of not doing enough housework (whether real or imagined) or not instigating sex enough, even in situations where they themselves have not addressed the issue, have been ill, where their partner has had illness, etc etc. The list goes on and on but essentially he has blamed you for his recent behaviour.
Finally I find it incredibly odd that it has just gone silent. In all likelihood he has discussed with her the fact that you have addressed the issue with him. Is there any way they could be communicating? Second phone? In person?

@EpochTime they definitely still see eachother daily as needs must. So in person is a possibility. But he says they never talked much in person anyway and he's so socially awkward with difficult topics that I can't imagine him organising a conversation. I suppose she could have approached him over it and got confirmation that way.

But he states categorically that nothing has been said and that there has been no further contact. For her to reach out to him to ask what is going on I suppose she'd need at least one unanswered text?

It's so galling. He tells me I now know everything and we need to get through this and can get through it together. He's sorry and he knows he needs to open up. I'm just a mess.

Feeling a mess is completely normal. You don't know what is real and what is not. You have no possible way of knowing if he has told you the truth, whether he has told you the whole truth. He has created this situation without thinking how devastatingly destabilising it would be for you if you ever found out he was communicating with her secretly. If I remember correctly, the description you gave of him communicating with her whilst you were sitting right there with him strikes me that at that moment he had no thought of you and the special role you play in his life. It is like, at the moment he wanted to read her text, you became non-existent. Then he has moments of lucidity - noticing he was texting too much when you were out for the evening, for instance.
It has the hallmarks of addiction to limerance IMO.

I think you're fooling yourself that they haven't spoken about this. It's the most obvious reason she hasn't questioned the change in messaging.

Also, I think he's consciously or unconsciously reversing things to blame it on the relationship. It's more likely his interest being aroused in this woman has led to the distancing in your relationship than the other way around.

Thanks @EpochTime. Yeah, the going back and texting her just 2 days after one of his lucid "should reign it in" moments stinks of addictive behaviour too. If its limerance he'd be feeling really strongly for her, right? We have talked really openly and I've said I want him not to hold back but he categorically denies any romantic feelings. The self-esteem explanation seems to be the one he's most comfortable with.

Thanks @Category12 - though I should point out the distancing in the relationship and his feeling not great happened before he met her.

Though I suppose feeling distant from me could have happened/begun at any time, I wouldn't know. He seemed fine the weekend away we had before all this kicked off though. We had dinner and did nice activities together. I felt he'd had a good time.

Thanks @SleepyRoo I am going to think about this.

He has given me a version of "I hid it from you because I knew there was nothing to hide. You'd think something was up if you knew and that's why I ended up hiding it because I was scared it would end up like this..."

The hiding it (and continuing to engage while being conscious enough of possible issues to hide it) is what has made it like this though...! he claims he's been "stupid" and made the wrong decision. But he was clearly aware! It's just not kosher and I dont know whether to fall for the "oops, I'm sorry, I fucked up because I didn't know how to handle it, I'm socially awkward" or whether to keep calling bullshit.

I'm now in the midst of dealing with DH's sexting-turned-real sex affair. The texting part went on for 2 yrs before they actually 'did the deed'. I had doubts about DH's emotional intelligence years ago, before we got married, but never had the tough conversations with him about honesty/boundaries/intimacy.

I wish we had done couples counselling long before it had gotten so out of control.

Ugh I'm so sorry @SleepyRoo. That's awful and thank you for passing on your wisdom. Wishing you the best of luck.

I do think my OH has slight boundaries issues. He claims never to have considered the idea that colleagues are a slightly different category of friends (they are, right? Or am I being weird?). Anyway, he claims he thought that over time his colleague friends would become joint friends. Almost like he saw me joining the group? I don't know if that's an elaborate fabrication or whether he really just didn't understand that that's not generally how workplace socialising functions (he worked from home like me up until recently, so appreciate he is learning but also WTF).

Socially awkward doesn't really wash. He's using that excuse to claim two opposing things at the same time.

Plus the too awkward to discuss things with her in real life He has managed to get into relationships before (example, with you ) and presumably relationships beforehand. I'm socially awkward and I manage it. It might mean more of the legwork is done by the other person, but as you know yourself, some are prepared to do it.

You can stop calling his bullshit, but you know it doesn't add up.

What strikes me from reading the full thread is that you say he’s been honest, but I reality, you’ve had to fight to get this information from him. That’s not really the same as volunteering the truth unprompted.

I think you need to be honest about yourself about what this likely was for him. That he had a crush and it was fun to have this intense flirtation behind your back. Being open about her wouldn’t make it this fun little secret he had for himself, which made him feel daring, naughty, etc.

There seems to be a focus on the fact that it didn’t turn physical. I don’t think that matters. He’s had a taste of excitement that came hand it hand with hiding something from you. It could happen again, mainly because he’s not being honest with you - or with himself probably.

Would he be open to counseling?

^urgh first sentence of 2 paragraph should say ‘be honest with yourself’

The ‘joint friend’ thing is bullshit by the way. He has bad boundaries for sure (I certainly don’t think my workmates are instant best buddies for me), but like pp says, the ‘socially awkward’ thing doesn’t wash either.

He liked talking to her, liked flirting, and didn’t want to tell you, because that would make it all far less exciting

He will have spoken to her and they have changed how they communicate. They are both dialling it back visibly to you but I hightly doubt he has changed anything much about his communication style with her bar find a way to hide it from you OP.

He's lying and feeding you a line so not only is he having his cake and eating it but he's treating you like an idiot too. Lovely.

This sounds exactly like my ex and the BS he came out with. That was on the drip over weeks too. We hgpt invited to her and her husbands for sunday lunch. Once I had seen them together it was ridiculously obvious they were a couple. The husband was too thick to see it but I booted exDPs sorry ass out. Within a week the husband had applied for and got a transfer and Ex was moved in lock stock and barrel.

Once he realised he was another in a long line of liasons, he left and tried to come back. You can imagine how that went for him.

This man is not just a disloyal arsehole but by feeding you a sanitised version stripped of every single vestige of truth, he is taking the mighty piss.

It seems to me that you are putting a huge amount of effort into this relationship; supporting him, agonising over every detail, blaming yourself for where you have gone wrong...

Do you honestly think he is putting the same amount of effort in as you are? He has managed to infer that you are somehow to blame for his behaviour and now he is merrily carrying on with his life, still without really taking your feelings into account...!

This sounds like a very one-sided relationship op. Sorry.

I would be very wary if he’s still seeing her at work.

@MiscellaneousMinutiae

I would be very wary if he’s still seeing her at work.

Yes. This. If he is seeing her at all or communicating, if he is serious about her, he will tell her you have found out about them. You see experience a period where he is absent in all but body while she decides if she wants a future with him and then when she knocks him back, he will be all over you like a rash and suddenly willing 'to work on the marriage'. You are wearing a metaphorical 2nd rosette as a hair band but you don't know it.

I don't know if he is serious about her. It could just be that he enjoyed her attention a bit too much but has absolutely no interest beyond the free validation she offered. Or it's the beginning of something much deeper. I don't know, but I do know how sidelined I was while being kept in the dark and that's just completely shocked me. How could a bit of attention from someone you're not in any way romantically interested in be worth deceiving and shutting out your partner for?

I just don't know how to move on while they continue to cross paths. And it's likely they will continue to cross paths for years to come. If the same had happened with someone at eg. a sports club, at least we could block them out and move on together. But he literally sees this person every day, goes to the same site, sits in the same room, shares the same communal areas, has them on social media (now awkward to delete as could instigate drama which may or may not even be there in the background already). What if it's a slow burning love he hasn't admitted to himself yet? Do I just wait it out to see the whole sorry thing unfold? What if he realises properly a few months on from now and all this crying, "I love you, only you" is just denial because of the pain he sees he's caused and feels guilty about? He says this isn't the case and cries when I suggest it but I just feel like it could turn at any moment, despite all his I love yous, and so I'm just here in limbo. I can't trust him on this, he broke my trust regarding her and I don't know if that can be repaired? Maybe generally it can, but not when it pertains to her, and she's not going anywhere soon.

Or he genuinely loves me and this is a complete mistake due to mishandling of social connections and his awkwardness and our relationship is being ruined disproportionately.

I just want us both to forget about this other person and focus on moving on together but how can we when they're connected daily? Does anyone have any actual solid advice in this regard, if, for argument's sake, it all has been a big misunderstanding? They will always be moving in the same circles and at this exact moment he is probably at most 5 metres away from her. How do I move on with him and give us a proper chance with this image in my head all day every day? I'm an anxious wreck no matter what he says to me.

Ps. Also looking at therapy, just needing a hand hold in between I suppose.

He could leave his job. He could agree to you meeting her in a social setting and talking to her. You could do nothing and snoop harder and farther until you know one way or another. You could ask all or any of his work colleagues what their relationship looks like to them. You could ask for space and have a month apart to see which way he jumps.

You need a yes/no answer so I think I would start by snooping. Check for a second phone etc. That's the simplest and easiest then go from there follow follow your gut.

He could agree to you meeting her in a social setting and talking to her.
What would we talk about? I am intrigued that this could put my mind at rest but also aware it could he hugely uncomfortable for me and that might come across in person.

Ask for space and have a month apart
I did suggest something like this and he basically broke down over this idea and asked me please not to go anywhere. He was very distraught.

@NameChanged294749

He could agree to you meeting her in a social setting and talking to her. What would we talk about? I am intrigued that this could put my mind at rest but also aware it could he hugely uncomfortable for me and that might come across in person.

Ask for space and have a month apart
I did suggest something like this and he basically broke down over this idea and asked me please not to go anywhere. He was very distraught.

I do think you need space from him. He isn’t giving you space to think he’s just trying to force you to go along with things by crying. That’s extremely manipulative.

The same happened to me before. I said I wanted some space and he said said if I wanted space then it was over. So I stayed. Don’t be me!!

Did it all work out in the end OP?