Issues with sex... TW historical rape

[BigOldBear]

I was raped many years ago (just over 2 decades). It took a long time for me to realise that's what it was because I knew the man. Not well but he was part of my social group. He found out where I lived and climbed through my window in the middle of the night.

I didnt realise it was rape for a long time (just sex I didn't want to have with a man I didn't want to have sex with. I made it clear I didn't want it but he ignored me. I was taught that all women have sex with men they don't want to have sex with when they don't want to have it and that rape was when a stranger drags you off the street. I even felt guilty at the time for saying no after he'd made all that effort 🙄

Anyway, fast forward 20+ years and over never really dealt with it or moved on from it.

I've never had a long term relationship and never had a long term fulfilling or particularly enjoyable sex life and I think a lot of it is down to that.

I didn't tell anyone at the time and only started to speak about it last year when some of the pieces fell into place.

I have dated men but, although I have a high sex drive, clam up after the 4th or 5th time of having sex. I can only cope with the most vanilla of sex. Sex makes me anxious and fearful although it is me pushing for it early into dating someone. I can't relax. It hasn't made me fearful of men and I don't fear walking alone at night etc - I know that rape isnt the woman's fault! If you can be raped in your bed while you sleep, it certainly isn't anything to dow with what you're wearing or what you're doing! Neither do I think all men are rapists.

I don't need to counselling to deal with the rape. I'm not upset by it, I don't blame myself. It as just something bad that happened a very long time ago.

Since I started to process it, I've been very open about it with men I've dated. I stress that it's more important I feel safe than it is I'm impressed by their technique or prowess. They are all very sensitive the first couple of times but then they start to push the boundaries very slightly to do sex the way they like it and I run.

Even when they ask "is this ok?" I find it hard to say no because, by then, the fear/anxiety has set in and I don't want to upset them.

I don't feel safe during sex, I don't feel in control of own body, I don't feel safe relinquishing that control to someone else.

I feel I have to give sex because that's expected - even when they're happy to wait.

I've been seeing someone else for a few weeks. We met and bubbled before lockdown and I'm already thinking I need to end it.

I compare myself to his exes who I imagine must have been more sexually adventurous and open than I am and i can't compete with that. It's all fucked up in my head.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm going to disagree that you don't need counselling though, you had an incredibly traumatic experience and the effects of it are still impacting on your sex life in a relationship now. It would probably be best not to date anyone whilst you have some therapy to help you. It will also help you to say no to anything you don't want or like, you're the dictator of your own body, it isn't a democracy and nobody else gets a vote about what you do and don't want to do with it.

I'm so sorry that happened to you.

It's understandable that your brain is trying to 'protect' you in this way as a result - and while you've had two decades to rationalise it in your conscious thought and know it's not your fault etc, subconsciously your brain is still putting up the barriers to avoid being hurt again.

While that makes sense as a response, it's now detrimental to your life in a quite big way, so I would gently suggest some counselling anyway. This can help you break down some of the subconscious assumptions about sex you're still holding onto - for example, do you feel that it's proof that you're okay or 'over it' or 'normal' if you push for sex early on, and that's why you're doing it when a much slower approach might suit you better to build up trust? You deserve good, healthy, consensual, fun sex - not fear and anxiety and panic. Part of getting there might be readdressing some of the ways your brain has contextualised what happened to you, which have now had two decades to really settle in and so - while you may not feel traumatised as such day to day - are having a real impact on your sex life now.

Good luck ❤️

Thanks. I suppose i feel that in 'need' (and want) to have sex before I develop an emotional attachment to someone because it's easier to walk away at that stage. I've never had sex with someone I had an emotional connection to. It's either one or the other.

I can't imagine asking someone to wait because i dont feel I'm worth 'waiting for'. I always regret pushing for it too soon when the panic sets in and wonder what it would be like if I knew them better but I don't feel able to assert that.

I Al's think that if I waited too long I wouldn't know when it was right and would fall into a sexless relationship.

I know my approach is wrong but it's like I 'forget' that when i meet someone new.

I dont know if its appropriate to put the brakes on because i have realised it was too soon or if that would put someone off?

The last man i dated, i told him and he was really understanding but he didnt initiate anything again and waited for me to do it. I wasnt sure whether this was respect or loss of interest. I lost confidence and the relationship fizzled out within a few weeks. I was never sure whether i should initiate it then or not or how he'd interpret it. I dont find it easy to talk about it.

I'm incredibly inexperienced sexually as a result and that makes me anxious too. I'm ashamed to admit it. Especially when most men by my age have been there and done it all.

I'm mid 40s.

Stupidly, this new man made it quite clear that, despite wanting to and fancying me, he was prepared to wait for as long as I wanted but i still pushed for it and now i want to run away

I think i also worry that they will push for it anyway so by pushing for it myself, I'm avoiding that situation occurring again.

Although that's only just occurred to me.

I do think specialist therapy could help, to deal with the issues you have now rather than the past (I'm assuming from the op you don't want to trawl over the rape with a therapist). All I can say is that there are lovely, calm, gentle men who are quite content with vanilla out there,

No. I have no need or desire to trawl through the details of rape. Nothing to process there.

I'm just not sure what anyone could say to make it better tbh. To change a mindset/behaviour etc I've had for over 2 decades.

You have identified that in order for change to happen you have to do something. It sounds like you have done lots of thinking/work on your own, and you have great insight into what is happening and what you need to focus on to recover. It will speed up the process to seek out a therapist with skills and experience to help you in recovery. There are loads of different therapy styles that can help. CBT, EDMR etc. Choose what you think will work, find someone you like. Ask them to work with you towards your goal. You are in control.

Not all therapy is about trawling through the past and going over unpleasant things. Solution focussed therapy is about dealing with the issues you have now and finding ways to break emotional and psychological habits. Would that be something you are willing to do?

There are therapies, such as EMDR, that are about dealing with your triggers, so you can change your behaviour patterns.

I don't know how I feel about trying something else tbh. I've had counselling and therapy in the past for other issues (including childhood abuse which are probably all interlinked tbh) that havent been hugely helpful. I feel there is so lunch all jumbled up in a knot. Like a ball fo wool that is best off just being thrown away!

I can't imagine what that person would look/be like.

I suppose I can't imagine another way of being. I'd have to fundamentally become a new/different person.

Much not lunch

It wouldn't change who you are though, it would be just about defanging the trauma response.

I think you're right that you push for sex to start with as a way of avoiding the situation where he might.

It wouldn't change who you are though, it would be just about defanging the trauma response.

There's more to it than just this one thing.

Historical family abuse (emotional and physical).

I have a very poor sense of self generally.

I met with a psychotherapist once who told me I'd be looking at long term intensive therapy. My sense of self and all that didn't develop because of my childhood experiences. Apparently. It was suggested I'd have to be taken apart almost entirely and learn who i was from scratch.

When I tot up all the things I need therapy to deal with, I doubt i have enough years of life left to make it worthwhile. I've developed enough sticking plaster coping strategies to deal with the day to day stuff. Interpersonal relationships are the thing i have most trouble with.

Omg OP you could be me, I was raped 10 years ago(now 31) and also history of serious child abuse in my family, not directly at me but someone close. I feel exactly as you have described and feel like men are evil and just driven by sex (although deep down I know that not really true). I have now pushed a gap between my partner of 5 years due to it. I feel really silly for letting this get to me and wonder if I'm just making excuses for myself. I have touched on it with my partner but he has never really got why I feel like this and forgets why I'm being distant. I feel therapy would be good for you, and me I just can't afford it

I can't afford it either.

I don't feel like men are evil. I'm just scared of sex; scared of being vulnerable; scared of not being in control of what happens to me.

Have you tried not telling partners about the rape? You don't need to give a reason for taking things slow, just wanting to take it slow is reason enough.

They are all very sensitive the first couple of times but then they start to push the boundaries very slightly to do sex the way they like it and I run.

The above is worrying. I think it shows that the men you are dating don't actually care about respecting your boundaries and so it's normal that you would run after them showing disregard for your emotional wellbeing. I would also be wary of men who are turned on by the idea that the women they are with has experienced sexual trauma (more common than you would think). My friend was raped and told her boyfriend about it and after a while he started trying to have sex with her in the exact same way she was raped, despite having never wanted to do it like that before. Not saying this is what is happening here and your past is yours to decide who you want to share it with but I personally wouldn't share details of my life so early on as the unfortunate truth is that a lot of men are abusive/will take advantage of women.

I'm very hesitant to give you advice though OP as I'm not qualified to so my comment is just something to think about and I'm not saying you should listen to me.

It's been 20+ yes since I was raped. I've only told the last and current ones. Never told anyone about it before last year.

It didnt make any difference. Men reacted no differently before. I thought telling the last/current one might help. I've only had sex with current one twice since I told him. First time was fine. Second time wasn't.

I havent seen him since. I'm going to end it.

@BigOldBear

It's been 20+ yes since I was raped. I've only told the last and current ones. Never told anyone about it before last year.

It didnt make any difference. Men reacted no differently before. I thought telling the last/current one might help. I've only had sex with current one twice since I told him. First time was fine. Second time wasn't.

I havent seen him since. I'm going to end it.

Sorry about what you have been through

What exactly about the second time wasn’t fine? Is there anything you can pinpoint?

What exactly about the second time wasn’t fine? Is there anything you can pinpoint?

Yes. The first time massively and he checked i was ok.

The second time he put his hand around my throat.

Ah, another guy who's become pornsick. That is so completely unnaceptable in every way. I would run for the hills too if a guy did that to me.

I know. It's a shame because I like him, he clearly fancies me and I fancy him and we've a lot in common but I need to feel safe during sex.

Not fearful.