My partner has called it a day. Young baby. What next?

[HornbeamLane]

I posted on here recently as my partner wasn't helping me with our baby. We argued like cat and dog. Eventually I've reached out to family and to buy my own car to get some freedom and after a number of shouty arguments he has called it a day. We literally bought our house together a month ago and DD is not even 5 months old. We're not married and she's fully breastfed. He's lazy and says I do nothing for him. Issue is he doesn't realise that as a father he should do stuff for us. He wanted me to cook dinner everyday after work from when she was 6 weeks old etc. He's a pig. But I feel sad because we were so good at the beginning.
To an extent I'm okay with the relationship ending. I love him but equally know I deserve more support and compassion than what I've got so far.
My issue is that he said today he wants 50% custody. I don't agree as baby is fully breastfed and doesn't even take a bottle atm. Even if she did, his involvement has been so little that I'd be worried how she would cope without me for an extended period of time. Longest she's ever been away was 3 hours and she cried after 2.
What do I do?
Im due to go back to work in 6 months (hopefully 4 days each week and little one in nursery) and am fully financially independent. Have good family and friends. I'm just terrified of him having my baby and her needing me. He's on the birth certificate and should be involved, but not to that extent in my view when she's so little. I'm shocked he's even suggested it. What have been other mums experiences of this? I could really do with a hand hold. I'm going to get advice but can't sleep and really need some reassurance.

[Crustmasiscoming]

Haha. As if he wants 50/50. He's talking out of his arse and just trying to upset you. Probably someone has told him that if he gets 50/50 he doesn't have to pay maintainence.

Your baby is 5 months old and breastfed. There's no way he would be getting 50% custody anyway, even if he was serious about it. That kind of thing just doesn't happen in these situations.

Get yourself a good lawyer and try and ignore the bullshit he's spouting. He wants to hurt you. Don't let him. Sounds like you've got everything sorted really well. Your life is getting better and better without him in it. Enjoy :)

[FredtheFerret]

Say to him, Absolutely. As soon as I wean her that's what I'm aiming for. I can't wait to get my old single life back again, and have some fun. If you'll have the baby 50% of that time that will be brilliant! I'll wait to hear from your solicitor about your proposals.

Say it as enthusiastically as you can! Sound ecstatic! I guarantee you he will shit himself at the thought of being stuck with a baby on a 50/50 basis - the idle, tight-fisted sod.

[Supereager]

Prick. It’s incredible. The reason you’re splitting up is because he does nothing with the baby and if he’d done 50/50 you wouldn’t be splitting up! Ask him what’s happening with the poo nappies then? He’s going to have to change them then. How’s it going to work. I feel for you because what he means is he’s going to leave the baby with his weird sister who has probably agreed to do it so he gets out of paying any money. She sounds controlling and nasty. He’s not getting 50/50 while she’s breast fed. Go see a solicitor for reassurance.

[Sunflowergirl1]

I agree with others....50/50 of such a young baby who is fully breastfed (inline with NHS recommendations) is virtually nil.

This shows what an utter idiot he is with no thought to the childs welfare. However, that doesn't stop him having regular contract, which he should do

Most likely yes about child maintenance

[FlowerOfEvil]

The judgement on here is insane. There are two sides to every story and every breakup... you have only heard one side . As a father he has just as much rights to see and spend time with his child as the OP. I am sure if they are both sensible they can work together to come up with a plan. Not all men are bad fathers just like not all women are the best mothers!

[PumpkinCheater]

Haha yes FlowerOfEvil he does sound like a real prize of a father who is likely to win the Dad of the Year Award any day soon... 🙄

[OwlOne]

I really doubt he means it but play him at his own game and say you deserve freedom too.
Act like you believe that freedom is the REAL prize. It is, but it's hard to get in to that mindset with a young baby I know. All you value is being with the baby.

But bluff a bit, tell him you long to have a new relationship as well, you long to have these freedoms, the freedoms to be on your own, to meet new people, to work, to earn to save!

You long to have a life back too.

Swear to god. It's the only way to get through to these dickheads and let them know that freedom is valuable to you too and if they're going to leave you with no maintenance and no freedom either that you will recognise two thefts there.

Tell him you'll arrange it all through the courts.

DO NOT FEAR COURT.

[OwlOne]

@FredtheFerret

Say to him, Absolutely. As soon as I wean her that's what I'm aiming for. I can't wait to get my old single life back again, and have some fun. If you'll have the baby 50% of that time that will be brilliant! I'll wait to hear from your solicitor about your proposals.

Say it as enthusiastically as you can! Sound ecstatic! I guarantee you he will shit himself at the thought of being stuck with a baby on a 50/50 basis - the idle, tight-fisted sod.

yES, this is the way to go.

Maybe don't say you want a new relationship in case he uses that against you but say you can't wait to have the freedom to surround yourself with supportive people again!

And say it with excitement. goodbye shitty old chapter, hello new chapter where anything is possible with all of your new freedom.

[FlowerOfEvil]

Yes pumpkincheater, he sounds like an absolute knob and if everything the OP says is true then I feel very sorry for her, but as I said we have only heard one side.... just playing devils advocate

[TwentyViginti]

@FlowerOfEvil

The judgement on here is insane. There are two sides to every story and every breakup... you have only heard one side . As a father he has just as much rights to see and spend time with his child as the OP. I am sure if they are both sensible they can work together to come up with a plan. Not all men are bad fathers just like not all women are the best mothers!

The father who seems to agree with his sister who doesn't think men should do poo nappies because that would be weird?

That father?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He is a prize knob who has demanded 50/50 because he has been advised he will not then have to pay child maintenance. Its also a tactic used by abusive men to further intimidate their target.

I would certainly arrange all future access arrangements and finances through the court system, you need formal arrangements here with him. DO not be afraid of court.

[Partey]

I could’ve written your post 10 years ago. My ex was jealous of ds, jealous of my mat leave. Demanded 2 overnights initially which he either didn’t turn up for or was late picking up, early returning.
Went to court when ds was 2 and I offered a full 24 hours each weekend rather than pissing about with 2 mid week nights. He fucked this up as well. Prioritized drinking/ going away.

Not gonna lie, have had a shit 10 years years with him. He stays between total deadbeat and father of the year. If I had to go back and change anything I just wouldn’t engage.
Set firm boundaries, always offer contact- around what suits your baby not him. Do not engage in conversation. If he wants more contact he can request mediation and court. If he threatens not to return then prohibited steps and non mol.

Honestly stay strong, do not let him ruin the early months with your daughter. I spent mine fraught with worry and wish I’d been as strong then as I am now

[honeylulu]

He's bullshitting with the 50/50 so you are scared into staying and being his servant.

A man as lazy as that won't be interested in the labour involved with caring for a child. And as PPs say, a court wouldn't award it anyway.

[Badwill]

As a father he has just as much rights to see and spend time with his child as the OP.

No he doesn't, unless he sprouts some breasts he doesn't have the "right" to 50:50 care of the baby.

Also all fathers might not be rubbish but this one IS and even suggesting he wants 50:50 (he doesn't OP the lazy fucker is trying to scare you) means he isn't capable of putting his child's needs first. Ugh so many useless "fathers" try this tactic. When will it end?!

[LilyLongJohn]

Tell him if he wants 50/50 at this young age he can't take you to the family courts. He can't breastfeed and no judge in the country would grant it at this stage.

He's only doing it to scare you, and probably to get out of paying maintenance.

Tell him it's fine with you once they child is on solids and that will allow you to work full time, see friends and do hobbies. He'll soon change his mind.

[LannieDuck]

"Great, that'll help loads with my childcare costs! I'll be getting her onto bottles anyway when I go back to work, so you can take her 2/days in the week then, and I'll cover the other 3. Then we can alternate weekends - it'll be great to get my social life back."

[nancybotwinbloom]

My ex said this.

His new partner said he said this to her.

It's all about parting with the maintenance.

He hasnt seen her in two years.

Let him take you to court. He 99% will not try it.