How did you get through separation with children?

[Sunshine0620]

My partner and I have been together 10 years, we’re not married. We have 2 DC, age 3 and baby 5 months. Our relationship has been rocky for a while, we need to separate. I’m gutted, we’ve tried to work it out and there’s just too much water under the bridge for us 🙁

I’m absolutely terrified about the prospect of actually separating. Of being on my own. I don’t have a strong friendship group, we have lots of shared/couple friends. I relocated to be with him all those years ago and still feel a bit of a stranger in this city, I suppose.

I’m devastated about the prospect of being a part-time mum. My partner has said he would want the DC 50/50. He is an excellent father, but I cannot imagine being without my children for half of the time. I have worked part time since having my first and spent a lot of time just being mummy. Even more so this year during lockdown. My heart is breaking just thinking about it. How do you explain to a three year old that their whole world as they know it is changing?

Can anyone who has been through it share their experience?

Please be gentle, I’m aware that we were wrong to bring another child into the equation when we had issues with our relationship, and that not being married makes me more vulnerable.

I feel for you. You weren't wrong though. Relationships fail and you're doing the brave thing facing that.
With your children being so young and you having worked part time to do the majority of the care it's unlikely he would get 50% custody.
I was also devatated at the idea of being alone and have no family support. His family were my family and they promptly ditched me post split.
But kids are very resilient and adapt. The worst thing for them is fighting so save all your arguments for when they aren't there.
Honestly though, it's been ok. I do miss my kids EOW but I have made the most of my weekends off and done some amazing things you can't do with kids.
It's been like a midlife reawakening, quite frankly.
Not initially but once you get over the shock and grief it's quite exciting.
My kids now have a better relationship witj their Dad and I have a very fulfilling life with and without them.
We settled on a 3/4 split for child access because eventually I could see they really benefitted from seeing him and you need the break!
You'lll be just fine.

Also my advice is tell people. Tell your friends. Amaxzing support came out of the woodwork for me. People want to help.
I thought my couple friends would ditch me because it's too awkward but they've done nothing of the sort!

You don't have to agree to 50/50 you know. Your youngest is far too young for that anyway and I don't believe 50/50 is ever in the best interests of children.

Thank you both for your replies, it really helps.
I’m glad it’s turned into a positive experience for you @Spritesobright and your story certainly gives me hope.

@Fudgsicles I really want to keep things civil and have asked him to reconsider whether that’s best for the children. I’ve also told him how it’s breaking my heart. The youngest especially, I’m all he’s ever known, especially being born in lockdown. It’s early days...

OP - don’t assume that he will be reasonable, or think of best interests of children.
Typically in these situations, after the relationship breakdown - men become very selfish and think of their own interests first.
It becomes a battle against you that they are fighting. And 50/50 is often what they start of asking because it then means they won’t have to pay child maintenance.

So - don’t ask him to reconsider by telling him it breaks your heart. You need to assume a strong position and make sure he believes you that you mean it. Consult with a solicitor to get some ideas on typical children arrangements.
But - in your case - I’d lay out your proposal - typical is EOW and a day on alternate weeks. Maybe a sleepover on that week day for the older child.
No sleepovers for the baby until .... check with solicitor or see here on MN what people typically have in similar situations.

Your BF will originally hate it and kick of a storm. He’ll may even threaten you with court, etc. And you stay firm and say that court is really best as family judges know what’s best for the kids and are the most qualified to decide it.

There is absolutely no way in your situation that a judge would give your BF 50/50 child arrangements. So - don’t worry and don’t agree to anything like that. You need to be strong to protect your kids best interests.

Having two kids means they at least have each other :)

Have you both gone through counselling with Relate or similar to see again if things can be worked through? Any compromises that could be made by both of you to make things work?

@Spritesobright how did you rebuild your life? I’m finding it really hard to work out how I’d build up a friendship network.

I split from my husband 6 months ago nits getting more amicable. We are superficially doing 50/50 but in reality it's more 65/35 to me. I work full time and my 3 year old is in nursery. I was dreading not seeing her every day but to be honest it's working fine. I get to do housework and food shopping etc when she's not with me and means she has my full attention when I have her and the days I'm at work it's quite nice to have an evening to myself. I took a few days annual leave last week when she was with her dad and I actually enjoyed my own company for the first time in years She's asked why we don't live in the same house anymore and I've said we were arguing too much and are happier apart as aren't best friends anymore. She understands and it's been fine - good luck!

Hi OP. Started shared care 50/50 ish when DC were 3 and 6. Still going now 6/10.
It has worked for us very well. Like others i use my days without to get prepped and organised for when they are with me, do some long shifts at work so i can do short days when they are around and to catch up with friends. I'd say it took me 1-2 years to not need to be insanely busy to distract myself when they were gone. Now i can be still and peaceful and its ok.

Are you on mat leave? If so i'd agree one thing for now and another for when you go back to work. How flexible is yours and your partners work? How long till oldest starts school?

My partner had relocated years pre split and had less of a support network so he stayed in the house as it gave him comfort and i rented somewhere nearby.

We live opposite side of same village. Equi distant to school but with diff local pubs. 3 mins in the car to each other for forgotten football boots etc.

@Supereager I had a good friend network from the kids' school/nursery mums and from my running club. I organise things with them. I also joined tinder and met someone in a similar situation.
We called it our "year of yes" and just said yes to all social invitations as well as planning loads of stuff ourselves.
It wasn't sustainable all those activities but it certainly got me through it.
And of course I did counselling and cried on the phone to my mum a LOT.

Hi OP, sorry you're going through this, especially with a new baby!! I'm thinking of leaving my partner so am in a similar situation, we have a 2 year old and I know I have fallen out of love with him, he has been drinking a lot and has a stinking attitute lately.

My partner will also say he wants 50/50 probably which is a joke because he's done sod all for past two years!! His dad knows a dodgy solicitor and MIL thinks she's the mum sometimes so it does worry me that they'll make my life hard, they have been on my side lately but I know things could change if they realise I'm actually leaving!
I have been a stay at home mum and financially am not in a good place and can't get help through the council so I do feel trapped but as other posters have said in terms of free time for you and quality of life I think it can work for the best in the long run and better for the children not to grow up around animosity.

I'd love to be in a position to leave right now, I'm just trying to figure it out.

Good luck and I know these times can be tough facing going it alone. I hope it works out for both of us