Husband that doesn't confide in me/shuts me out

[sprockerdiles]

I could really use some advice if possible as I'm really struggling.

My husband (30) will never confide in me if he is struggling with something or feeling down. He tends go just go cold on me and shut me out and it leaves me feeling so lonely and useless. Sometimes it can go on for days where he will barely engage with me.

For context we have had a really difficult year, kind of tinged with loss and sadness but while I was hoping it would bring us closer it seems to have done the opposite for him.

Is there any salvaging a marriage like this? I love him to death but I'm 27 years old and the thought of spending the rest of my life as an outsider to my partner's emotions makes me feel heartbroken. I've tried telling him how I feel but it doesn't make a difference really.

Have you tried talking to him? If yes, does he see he has a problem with emotions? If not how do you think he’ll react to your expectation that he needs to open up to you.

Personally I can’t be in a relationship with someone who can’t open up and who shuts me out. I feel deeply offended by that, like they don’t trust me. Many men can’t open up because it means being vulnerable and they can’t allow themselves to be vulnerable as they see it as weakness. My previous marriage was like this. It drove me away and it ended.

My DH has ADHD, and he is this way. It's not intentional, simply how it is. I would be lying if I said it wasn't hard work sometimes.
Is is intentional for your DH?

I've tried talking, each time it happens I tell him how it makes me feel and while he acknowledges it nothing ever changes.

I suppose it's not intentional in a sense that I know he doesn't want to deliberately hurt me. But equally he knows by now that it doesn't work for me but never makes any effort to work on it

Some men do find it hard to discuss feelings, and I feel society and upbringing have had an impact on that. For girls, it's acceptable to be emotional, to discuss how you feel. For boys, less so.
Could it be that he simply doesn't know how to?

There is really no way to build intimacy with someone who is emotionally closed down. The relationship reaches a plateau and just stops growing. There’s no real connection or depth. It’s totally unsatisfying and to a degree, soul destroying. If you want to remain married to him I would insist he seeks counselling. If he’s not prepared to then you have your answer.

It's difficult living with somebody who's emotionally closed off, after a while you can start feeling a bit lost.

I hope it's Ok to ask - he wasn't sent to boarding school as a child was he?

My DH is like this, when he gets upset he just ignores me until he's not upset any more. I have learnt to ignore him back until he comes around. Only then will he apologise/accept my apology (if it was an argument that caused the upset).
But we don't argue often and very rarely about anything that matters.
He bottles everything up and deals with it by himself. That's just how he is. He has some trauma from his childhood that he's never dealt with properly. Badgering him trying to get him to talk is not helpful.
We've been together for nearly 15 years and we are happy together.