Covid bubbles and in-laws

[Babyevictionimminent]

Not entirely sure what I’m asking here, just maybe looking for some solidarity.

Currently pregnant with DC2. My relationship with in-laws fell apart following birth of DC1. They were overbearing and manipulative and have never apologised or sought to repair any of the damage done. I haven’t either because I feel strongly it should come from them. I now have very little contact with them. DH sees them with DC1 when they visit and FaceTimes them regularly. Initially he had a lot of anger towards them for their behaviour but in recent months that seems to be ebbing away and I can see he’s feeling sad for the strained relationships. They never phone him though, didn’t send a card or present for his 30th birthday, have never messaged me during this pregnancy etc. They expect him (previously me) to do all the legwork on forming a strong relationship. Much of the drama following DC1 birth was MIL insecurity about our good relationship with my parents, but that’s because my parents make effort with us!

Both my parents and in-laws live about 3 hours away from us. I’ve seen the news that we can bubble with another household once we have a child under 1 and I’m excited to think that I could have the support of my parents. I’ve spoken to DH about this and he understands but I can tell he’s upset that it won’t be his parents.

I guess I’m just asking if it’s reasonable to bubble with my parents or if that’s too hurtful for my DH and his parents? And if it is ok, then what can I do to make DH feel better about this all round crap situation with his parents?

Yes of course it's fine. Do what you need to to feel better and supported. Unfortunately DH will need to manage his feelings and I'm sure he understands (but feels sad) that there are good reasons for this.
Just be mindful not to not allow your parents to take over, be over all the time and that you both get plenty of time together and time for him to contact his parents. His parents need to understand the time has passed where life revolves around them.

The bubble is for you to have support. So it has to be a bubble thst will help you most.
As mum home with the baby realistically thsfs your parents. This isn't forever and you can still see them for visits

I mean what does he suggest. Obviously you aren't going to pick his parents when you are the one recovering from birth and taking mat leave. Just remind him it's only a few months and this shit will be over

The bubble is for YOU - your recovery, the mother-baby dyad, and your physical and mental well-being. It isn’t for his benefit, or even for your whole household’s benefit.

I get on great with my ILs (a few road bumps of course!) but will be doing exactly the same as you when DC2 arrives. It isn’t even a question between me and DH.

Not the question you asked, but if DC1 is over 1 year old then I didn’t think you could do the bubble?

It’s for those who only have children under the age of 1 isn’t it?

So I can’t bubble with my parents if I have a 10, 7, 4 and baby?

good point @Christmas1935

The regulations say parents of children aged under one, not parents of children only aged under one. It's section 58.d.

This says a support bubble can be formed by 2 households if ‘at least one’ has ‘a child under 1’

assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/937529/COVID-19_Winter_Plan.pdf

And the alternative is a child under 5 who has a disability which means they require significant care.

If it’s an exemption for anyone who has had a baby in the last 12 months, that’s a lot of people?

I think you should bubble with whom is going to help you most with your newborn baby. I wouldn’t want to bubble with in-laws if they cannot be bothered to contact during pregancy.

Thanks for your replies. Sorry if I wasn’t clear - DC2 is due any day now so we’ll have a newborn and therefore would meet the criteria for the bubble? I really hope so.

Maybe it’s because of the history that DH seems sad about it. Perhaps it’s just reminding him of how rubbish the situation is with his parents. Because it’s interesting that other people are doing it without much worry about ‘equalness’.

I think it's any family with a baby under one.

OP, who is going to be at home with the baby more during that first year? Assuming it's you, then I think it's fair that you choose your support bubble. If it's going to be mainly your dh, then maybe he should choose.

If you really want him to feel better about the crap situation with his parents, you could be the bigger person and take the initiative to put it all behind you. Even if they were in the wrong, it is his mum and dad, after all, and your children's grandparents. Could you express how their behaviour made you feel but say that you want to put it behind you for the sake of the rest of the family? If you made the first overture, do you think they would respond positively? It's hard to know without knowing the detail of what went on, but sometimes I think it's worth prioritising relationships even when you have a valid right to be angry.

There's more to this story, don't trust you're whiter than white as it were...

Are you the MIL GreyWall?

Cross post @Bromeliad

The support bubble is there to support with the first year with the new baby. It could be anyone who can offer support. It’s not a favourite grandparent bubble. If it happens to be your parents that are beat placed to offer support, then that’s who it should be. Don’t be made to feel guilty about accepting help - the bubble is there to support you, not facilitate grandparent visits.

I deliberately didn’t go into it because it’s long and boring, but also had a feeling I’d be pulled up on it. Long story short - they complained about our name choice, how we communicate to DC1 when she was a few months old, compared my parenting to DH’s cousin (who was a much more ‘natural’ mother and happier passing baby around), complained that I don’t make them feel as welcome as my parents, MIL cried every time we saw her and stayed in a bathroom/bedroom for hours on end - usually in response to being asked to relax by DH, caused a huge fuss when we asked them to book a B&B to stay in when DC1
was a month old (we lived in a small flat), then apparently couldn’t find the booking for the B&B so ended up staying the night at ours. I can’t even think of everything, but basically every communication with them in the first year of her life was wrought with drama and unpleasantness.

@AlexaShutUp I found your suggestion really interesting and it’s something I’m going to think about. I know that hormones have probably driven a lot of how I felt in response to their behaviour and that’s probably hindered me from being as forgiving as I could be. And you’re right that trying to make amends would be doing it for my DH and child, not myself or them.

The problem with the approach Alexa suggests is that this only really works when both sides are reasonable, your husbands parents are clearly not reasonable people nor are they emotionally healthy to be around. They are not interested in making amends at all. His mother has cried and taken to her room as the drop of a hat, they have criticised your name choices for your kids and they have favoured a cousin of his. His parents too have never apologised nor have accepted any responsibility for their actions. Your DH is still trying to seek their approval, not that they would ever give this to him anyway. I would try and further find out from him what his own childhood was like, my guess it was pretty much poor.

I would stay well away from his parents going forward. Your husband may well want to have a relationship with them mainly out of and because of his own fear, obligation and guilt but that does not mean that you and the children have to do so. You may want to read Toxic in-laws by Susan Forward to further understand the dynamics.

Would you have tolerated this from a friend?. No you would not have done and his parents are no different. It is NOT your fault they are like this and neither you or your DH made them that way.

I think you’ve got to stop thinking about ‘fairness’ - ultimately you have your relationships with your family and friends, and your husband has his relationships with his. You all have your own dynamics, and they don’t have anything to do with the other. My parents divorced when I was little, so I’ve always had separate relationships with each parent. I don’t spend my time worrying that I’ve been out for dinner with one of my parents so better do the same with the other like they’re squabbling kids. That sounds miserable, and I’m not going to do it with my in laws.

If the bubble was there for grandparents to see the baby, then all grandparents would be included. It’s not - it’s there so you can have practical support with your new baby, and it doesn’t sound like your in laws are that reliable.

Your DH must feel very sad, and let down by his parents - are you sure that he isn’t just disappointed that the future he probably imagined, with them being lovely grandparents, hasn’t turned out that way? Rather than him being genuinely sad that his parents can’t be in yo bubble?