Shall I just end this now?

[Afishcalledwonderful]

Name changed for this one. I met a man online (about two months' ago) and we really hit it off straight away. It was great to meet someone the same age (we're both 50) and we have lots of things in common including young children which is a rarity when you get to our age. We knew it would be tricky trying to synch our free time but we have managed to do so meeting up once or maybe twice a week. I've got my head screwed on but I am starting to get feelings for him (not in love yet!) but I was hoping it could go that way. The thing is, I sense he is cooling and I have asked him about it but he says it's because he's busy at work (he's a lawyer and has a difficult case on) and pre-occupied with financial negotiations with STBEX (they have been separated three years and have their nisi). At first, he was quite full on but over the last couple of weeks, his messages have dwindled (in volume and content) and I'm starting to get a bit pissed off with the lack of interest. He never asks when I'm free next, in fact, I feel that if I didn't make the effort we wouldn't meet up at all! It is my 'free' night tomorrow and he knows this yet hasn't suggested we meet up so I've made plans to do something else now. He says he likes me a lot yet his words definitely do not match his actions and it is confusing the hell out of me. Every now and then he'll send a cheeky little message and I'll respond but that will be the end of the conversation. And of course, we can't meet in lockdown as I'm in a bubble with my Dad who now lives on his own (Mum in care home). It all feels too much like hard work. Shall I just knock this on the head now or shall I probe him and get him to fess up about what's really going on in his head or is that too confrontational? I just wish he'd be a bit more straightforward. He's very good at avoiding questions and turning things around - suspect that's the lawyer him in! Any advice appreciated. Thanks

I should add that when we do meet up, we have the most wonderful time!

Just stop initiating anything. Don’t initiate calls, texts, meeting up, or anything.

No need for a talk or a dumping. Just pull back and let him do whatever he’d do naturally. If he’s keen, he’ll notice the distance and take steps to close the gap. If he’s not, it’ll just dwindle to nothing.

Lots of men pull back at the 2 or 3-month point. It’s honestly so common.

Hard work, emotionally unavailable, blows hot and cold, whatever, it's bollocks. Move on.

If a man is interested he will show it. Sounds like he's either lost interest or has already started taking you for granted. My advice would be the same as the above: stop initiating anything. If he doesn't step up you have your answer.

You've been seeing someone for 8 weeks and you're asking him if he's cooling off? I should think he's running for the hills

Some people just like to approach relationships at their own pace. If he's wading through cases he's going to have to focus. Gushing texts don't really work for lawyers. He maybe indulged it in the beginning, and now he's just not wanting to keep it going.
I don't think you need to do the big 'are you interested still' speech. I'd just leave things to coast a while. If he's interested he'll be in touch. After 8 weeks it's a bit full on to be too committed. Also if he's got young children he's got to spend time with them too. I'd just leave things for now and see what happens.

I agree with @Groovinpeanut

If you have to chase him after 8 weeks, what would it be like after 8 months!. Just don't do it.

'His words don't meet his actions.'

Back off. Cool it and let it fade.

Don’t do anything, just get on and make your own plans and enjoy life.

I agree with other posters, step back and see what he does. Its frustrating when you sense them cooling off and you can always tell...but chasing him won't make a difference, I've done that and won't do it again. You then get into that power balance which is hard to break and he may well be busy or feels he can relax a bit now with the texting. However, actions do speak louder than words and I bet as a lawyer he always knows the right things to say.

Agree with others, just step back a bit ... it's only 8 weeks! I wouldn't want to receive gushing texts all the time in my 50s, isn't that what teenagers do? . Just get on & enjoy your life, don't wait for some man to make you happy.

I think you can tell a change in his behaviour. As frustrating as it is I agree with others, let him come to you. He knows where you are. I’m just asking - do you think you’ve come in too strong and scared him off a bit?

If you don't like the situation, you can walk away. You are a free agent. Just stop contacting him and be free! Get in with your life. It's 8 weeks!

So he is working on a difficult case and preoccupied with the financial issues surrounding his divorce. Rather than back off and give him space you are worried about the lack of attention your getting. Maybe re read your OP and work out why he isn’t gushing at the moment

I think it all seems a bit full on from your side.
I am a similar age to you, primary age children, I have a boyfriend also same age & primary children- both juggling work, children & exes. When we met we saw each other every couple of weeks for a while, sometimes less. We messaged every few days. Had fabulous time when together and really liked each other,. Now, 2.5 years down the line, we still only manage once or twice a week around our busy lives and still only message on average once a day- but we are totally in love and to be honest it's a pretty perfect relationship, he is an awesome partner in every way- I can balance work, my kids and him.
Not everything had to be full on from the get go, some are slow burners, and not all relationships have to have constant contact for them to be great. Relax a little and see where it goes.

Sorry, to be clear we now manage to see each other once or twice a week

I'd also act a bit aloof,if he's interested he'll notice snd come running. He could just be bogged down at work - what sort of lawyer is he?

Thanks for all the replies! It's hard to get the balance right. I don't want someone messaging me all day - I'm also busy juggling work, son, ex and elderly parents - and that would definitely stress me out/put me off. I am also happy to see him once a week or once a fortnight or whenever we can. I shan't probe or question him on anything and just see what happens. I didn't think I was coming on too strong as have been behaving/acting/reacting off the back of his behaviour but got confused with his cooling - but some of you think I have been a bit heavy so I shall take that and back off a little. I'm too old to play games though and prefer someone who is upfront and straightforward. I'll just wait and see what happens - it's not like I'm desperate to settle down and things are busy with Christmas on the way in any event.

@mermaidwaves oh yes, he is very clever at knowing what to say and what not to whereas I just ramble and get it all out there! He is definitely more considered but sometimes I feel it's a little cold. Maybe we're just not compatible?

So what did he say when you said you already had plans this week? If he really is interested then he'll take the hint and plan for your next day off with more notice.
It's not playing games though it's setting yourself boundaries than you aren't free and easy when he asks last minute and quite rightly you don't always want to be the one to suggest a date as that shows his lack of interest.
If you do get fed up with it then just end it, enthusiasm and communication should be easy if you're compatible.

Crikey, just back off a bit. This is just normal behaviour for someone with a multitude of very stressful events going on. The nisi and accompanying stress alone is bad enough but add on children and some difficult cases then I am not surprised he has cooled off a bit. Don't make him your sole object of your desire. Live your life and he can come to you, but let him deal with his stuff. Men are not that good at multi tasking and have to prioritise. Its not a slight on you its just what it is right now. I hope you haven't jeopardised anything by questioning him already as he might get put off if you continue. My partner didn't contact me after 6 weeks of dating for nearly a week. I just let it go and got on with my life....he eventually got in touch with an apology as he had been snowed under with work and just had to deal with it. We are still together over a year on. He still goes quiet when he is stressed with work and I understand that now, I would never chase. Just leave it be.