Struggling to stay no contact with abuser

[wewillmeetagain]

Hi, I've posted about this person before but have also nc since then ( I think) I was with this person for 7 years, he cheated constantly and even conceived a child with someone else. He constantly said vile things about me but would say he was joking if I complained, lied to me, took drugs and drank a lot. It led to me having a complete mental breakdown but I still didn't leave. He would often say he was going to change and he did for months at a time, before slipping back into his old ways. I've had abuse from his children's mothers and his family also. For someone so awful he's actually very good at playing the victim and acting all sweet and innocent. He's workshy and lazy and absolutely detests having to do anything for anyone else.

Anyway I've managed to get rid of him and I truly mean it this time, but ( there's always a but ) I actually miss him! I honestly don't know why because he brings nothing positive to my life. I have managed to ignore all the notes left on my car, threats of suicide to mutual friends who he knows will say something to me, repeated calls from no caller id because he's blocked. So now he's trying to hurt me by making sure everyone knows he's back associating with the girl he got pregnant behind my back! I KNOW he's doing this to get a reaction from me and so far he hasn't got one! I'm trying so hard to move on but I'm really struggling at the moment and wondering if any of you have any words of wisdom?

It is so so hard but well done for finally breaking free. It will be so much easier to keep NC rather than get back in contact and go through the abuse and break up again. Believe me, I'm back in the awful cycle. Your ex is just an empty black hole which needs energy sucked from other people to survive, good or bad, so just don't give him any. On the plus side, it'll annoy him even more that he's not getting a reaction!

As an ex DV advisor I'd advise...

Stop friends when they start giving you news. Stop them and say you are trying to move on and it's not helping.

Send him a msg saying any more contact and you'll report to the police. You probably won't have to, but warn him anyway.

Dont open, read or listen to any comms. Guard your own headspace. No one else will.

There are plenty of people in this world who want things they know are bad for them. Treat him like an alcohol addiction and stay sober. You’ve got this OP.

@lyingwanker that's exactly it, it's a cycle and I always give in and go back but I'm determined not to this time. I'm just concerned that the efforts at getting a reaction will get worse and more spiteful before they stop.

@something2say Thankyou that's good advice, I have already told people I don't want to know what he is doing but there is always someone that can't seem to wait to tell me.

Words of wisdom.... he isn't worthy of you. He doesn't deserve any room in your thoughts and he will always be abusive.

Tell your mutual friends you don't want to hear anything about him...they know the relationship is over, so them passing on messages is not helpful.

He treated you awfully and can't believe you're done, because you have always gone back.

I've had abuse from his children's mothers and his family also.

They're all as useless as him then aren't they. Stay well away from this circus of idiots.

Write him.an email about how he made you feel but DO NOT SEND IT. These people have no real emotions or empathy, you correctly say he just wants your attention. You are a good source of supply and he's not giving up what you provide without a fight. Watch some Stephanie Lyn coaching videos and if you ever feel unsafe call the police

Please read my thread “He needs to win” to see how things can escalate.

Stay strong and stay no contact.

You can do this, the collective of MN are sending you all the strength in the world.

I just read that and actually did a double take, wondering whether I'd written that and name changed - because it sounds so much like me and my ex it's scary.

He is behaving very poorly, and I would suggest reporting him for harassment if it carries on.

Tell your friends that you don't want to hear anything about him at all. I don't know how much they know of what went on, but be firm, and stop speaking to any of them who can't respect your wishes on this score.

If possible, send him one final message, saying that you're not interested in having him in your life in any way, you don't want to be contacted or have messages passed to you through someone else - and if he does any of these things you will be reporting him for harassment. Then, he's had it in writing that you don't want to hear from him, and therefore any breach of this will be seen as intentional.

Other than that, keep yourself as busy as you possibly can. If you have any friends who aren't mutual with this man, chat to them where you can - it'll be a different vibe from those who knew him.

If you ever want to chat to someone who's been through the same thing, feel free to PM me. x