If your parents had a crap relationship, did that stop you forming a good one?

[lostintheday]

This comes up all the time on here, if you stay in an unhappy marriage you will stop your kids forming good ones in their adult life.

I guess I am interested in a vox poll here to see whether that has been people's experiences. Personally, I think my relationship with my Dad had more of an affect on me than his relationship with my Mum.

I'm talking about any type of crap relationship, from actively abusive, to hostile, to them just not seeming to want to spend much time.

So what type of relationship did you parents have if it wasn't great and how do you think that affected you?

The effect on me of my parents relationship with each other, is that I went to the other extreme of having a totally zero tolerance approach to any kind of red flags or bullshit within my relationships. I've been happily married to DH for 19 years this year, if there is an issue within our relationship I generally think WWMPD (what would my parents do) and do the exact opposite .

I never really witnessed much warmth, kindness, open communication, physical affection, understanding, or putting each other first over and above extended family, between them. DH and I have all of that by the bucketload.

My sister went the opposite way. A string of dysfunctional emotionally and physically abusive (physical abuse by her and towards her) relationships and generally poor life choices from the age of 13 upwards.

The irony was, I was determined that my relationships would be nothing like theirs (she despised him/us and was abusive). I went on to form only abusive relationships with cruel, violent men, because I guess I was so entrenched in it all.

I never reproduced because she made motherhood look so miserable, and I was terrified of doing that to a child. Affected my siblings similarly, as in they have difficulty forming relationships and chose not to have children.

So sorry to hear that GeidiPrimes. Its interesting that you say, I was determined that my relationships would be nothing like theirs
I feel I did this too. I was determined not to marry someone like my Dad but ended up marrying someone just like him. I think the patterns get imprinted on you, and you unconsciously seek them out.

But that was from my Dad, not his relationship with my Mum.

@HotSince63

Do you have any view on why your sister went the opposite way from you?

My Mum tip toed round my Dad ( still does) and treated him like royalty ( no abuse from him he just enjoyed being pandered to) When I reached about 14 I had a light bulb moment and thought " why the fuck does she do that? " It made me lose respect for them both.
Anyway been happily married 20+yrs and we have a very equal happy relationship.
Like Hotsince63 it made me never want to behave like that myself.

@lostintheday I also was determined not to marry someone like my Dad, who was and is very sweet but was ineffectual as a parent and did nothing to protect us from Mum's moods, nor, I suspect, to support her with how she was feeling. I have a more straightforward relationship with him now than with my Mum.

It was only when ex DH and I were in relationship therapy after 20+ years of marriage, that I realised how similar in those key areas ex DH was to my Dad. He was different in education, class, confidence, motivation and many other things but at his core... It was quite a shock!

Many things in our relationship turned out to be somewhat like my parents' too. They divorced about the time I got married and it's now hard to imagine them together.

In a word, yes, eventually. Will write more later.

I think the patterns get imprinted on you, and you unconsciously seek them out.

It's a bugger really - those early years (0-5 especially)are nigh on impossible to reprogram. For the most part their relationship was very dry, but interspersed with these mad moments of drama - she had an affair, moved to another country, my dad went there to "win her back", fought the man who she had an affair with etc. This led me to believe in stupidly romantic notions like "passion", and would often mistake male violence for that.

I realise I cannot trust myself within romantic relationships as I'm woefully lacking in boundaries. I've honestly learned more from my pets over the years about healthy relationships. I'm practically a feral human

My parents didn't appear to have a very happy marriage and my overriding memory is them moaning about each other to us children. Along the lines of "your bloody mother did this" or "I'm sick to death of your father doing this". They were never affectionate either it was more like a business arrangement where he brought in the money and she made him food and tea and did his laundry.

Me and DH are nothing like this. We are kind to each other first and foremost and very loving and affectionate. I love to see him being happy and want him to have a lovely life.

I saw my parents' relationship as the type of thing I wanted to avoid. It was quite volatile too and they both would shout. I didn't want that either. My DH is very calm and gentle. I'm lucky I found him.

My parents got married in 1971, I followed a year later and my sibling a couple of years after that. My mum was a civil servant who became a stay at home mum until my sibling started secondary and then went back to work full time. Problems started when my dad had to start pulling his weight, and didn't. There was also a lack of affection that I couldn't put my finger on. I found out after my parents died that my mum had stopped having sex with my dad after my sibling was born. There were a few arguments about trivial things which caused long periods of stonewalling by my dad - 19 months was the longest. We are catholic and both refused to consider divorce.

It's affected me in three ways - 1) I don't stand for men who don't pull their weight at home. If he can change oil, or a bike puncture, or put together flat pack furniture he can cook a meal, use an iron, or put on the washing machine or clean a bathroom. 2) I invest in my relationships and expect them to do the same - affection/sex/honesty/selflessness. 3) I don't stonewall, ever, or go to bed on a row. If these guidelines aren't met then I kick them to the curb. As a result I've got a lovely partner.

I thought I'd marry a sensitive man who cared for me deeply, and was very different from my decent but very distant and reserved father, who paid little attention to the feelings and needs of my mother or we children, meaning mum did everything and has ended up exhausted, bitter and ill.

Turns out that my decent, sensitive man did and still does care for me deeply but was also so mired in his own worries and issues that in fact he ended up paying little attention to the feelings and needs of me and of our children, meaning I did everything and have ended up exhausted, bitter and ill.
At least my dad's emotional repression meant he never punched holes in walls.

It's really hard to escape your upbringing.

I made a good relationship (or, we did) but my sibling is alone and may be forever. Too damaged.

My relationship with my parents is bad. I just don’t respect decisions they’ve made. Their children were always second, third best, it wasn’t good enough.

My parents had a wonderful relationship until I was about 11. They had a fantastic social life, always made each other laugh, were affectionate and very obviously loved each other.

My mother gave up her life for my father's career, and that's where the cracks started to show. They stayed together for 6 years while obviously being miserable. I moved out at 17 to get away from it.

It's taught me to always show each other love and joy, to never give your life up for everyone and to call it a day rather than struggle through and make yours and everyone else lives miserable.

I think I am very different to my Mum and much less tolerant of crap and have better self esteem. My Dad was largely absent in the first 5 years of my life which perhaps is helpful in retrospect.
I have very little respect or affection for him and would hate to feel that way about DH. Our relationship is quite different to my parents.

My dad was very volatile growing up and a horrible drunk. Parents had awful rows when they were drunk. Mum basically done what she was told to keep the peace. We were always walking on eggshells.
Both me and my sister have married very laid back men who never raise their voices. I think we just want a peaceful life now and not live in fear or surrounded by shouting. I still apologise for anything and everything (dad would go mental at the slightest thing) and my DH is always saying you don't have to apologise you havnt done anything wrong. It's a hard habit to break even years later.
I will add that my mum and dad are still together and my dad has completely mellowed out in old age and is completely Teetotal . I still can't cope with his company for more than an hour though.

I remember from a very very young age telling myself I would NOT be in a relationship like my parents.

As a child I always felt like they hated each other more than they loved me. They would be too busy screaming at each other or causing an atmosphere to care how distraught I was. I don't think I've ever seen them be affectionate towards each other, and I know they never told/tell each other they love each other.

I've found a DH who is gentle, reflective, kind, patient, affectionate, loving. I feel like I don't deserve him- but that's probably my upbringing making me feel that way.

My parents never ever apologised to each other, and rarely to me. As a result i couldnt apologise well either, but my DH has taught me how!

My parents had a dreadful relationship. I haven’t repeated the pattern, however I do need to continually reflect on my behaviour as it can be quite distant and cold as that’s what I grew up with

Yes and no...not until now.

My parents split when I was very young after a volatile marriage, what happened after that was a succession of engagements...I lost count. Then my mother remarried in my early teens to a horrible man, not caring that her children really didn't like him. She divorced him eventually and then found someone else a few years later....he wasn't that great either but they have managed to stay together 20 years+.

My dad remarried and they are still together 35+ years later.

I've been through one marriage and one LTR, both lasting a decade each and both had issues from the beginning. I'm in another relationship now, but consciously spent time on my own for a few years to work out where things went wrong and what I wouldn't put up with in the future.

My (newish) DP is very different to my exes in many ways; emotionally mature, respectful, kind, open, self aware and understands why I want things on equal terms. He wants me to be myself and would never want to change me..unlike my exes. It's the healthiest relationship I have been in and I wish I had met him decades ago.