Wifes affair

[47YOdad]

Please bare with me, this is a long one. 4 weeks ago my wife told me she needed space, she didn't know how she felt about us. I asked if she was ending it, she said I'm not saying that but I need to sort myself out. She said she hadn't been happy in a long time. We have been together 13 years, married 6 and have 3 year old twins. She went through a bad case of baby blues after they were born but it has become apparent it was more likely to have been post natal depression that never went away. Anyway, I wrote her a letter detailing the ways I felt I had failed her. Not listened, not been loving enough and a lot more besides. I gave it to her 10 days after she said she needed space. The following day she was in a state. Crying a lot. She then said she had developed feelings for someone who had been a shoulder to cry on. 2 days later she went to stay at a mutual friends, then the following day she came home. On the Monday I got a message stating she was in a mess, couldn't think, needed my parents to collect the kids from nursery and needed to get away. She went back to this friends and stayed there. The next day I got a message from her saying we needed to talk. I said if she wanted to end it to tell me as I didn't want to be wondering what it was all day at work. I then received a message from the wife of a neighbour telling me that her husband and my wife had been having an affair. I went home and she confessed to everything. It had been going on three months, she ended it with him the night before. She left no detail out. The truth was I suspected something but hoped it was nothing. I didn't shout, get angry or throw her out. All contact was cut instantly, contacts deleted, his fb was deleted and he even phoned me to apologise, it should never have happened, sorry isn't enough but there will never be any contact ever again as he had bridges to build with his own wife and family. That was 2 weeks ago. She told me she wanted to try again. But since the confession certainly in the first couple of days, she was crying pretty much all day everyday. She asked me to move out to giver her space as she was wracked with so much guilt over what she had done and everyone was being understanding, she is punishing herself double. It has only been 2 weeks since the confession but either myself, her parents, her sister or friends believe she is processing what she has done. She has also been prescribed anti depressants. But now I feel like I'm being punished again. I work from early morning so it makes sense she has to be around for the kids. She proposed we do half a week each at night at the house. I go home after work and once the kids are in bed I leave. When she stays away, she has to come back early in the morning. She is barely eating, is drinking nightly and I just don't know if she does actually want to try again. She has said a couple of times, she has to sort her own head out before we can try and sort us. I've already seen a counsellor, I have an am processing it. I am willing to try again as I wanted to create an even stronger marriage than before. I just don't know if she feels she can't try again because of what shes done or doesn't want to try again. I would appreciate opinions on this. I simply don't know what she is thinking. Would she really walk away from forgiveness and a fresh start with a husband willing to work to make her happy and keep us as a happy family. Or does she really want to throw it all away and risk damaging our kids.

I feel really sorry for you, you sound like a nice guy that certainly doesn't deserve this. Reading your post leaves little for your feelings and seams centred all around hers. 3 months is a long time to lie to you, if your neighbour hadn't told it may well have continued. All this 'needing space' bullshit generally means they've met someone else but morally want to justify their behaviour because your 'having space' or on a break. Personally I wouldn't ever be able to trust a partner thats been shagging another bloke for 3 months! The thought of them together doing things that we did together would kill it dead. Staying together for the children doesn't really work and just makes for 2 miserable parents. I think your putting her and her feelings before your own!

You sound lovely OP but stop being a mug. PND is not an excuse for having a 3 month affair with a neighbour!

Move back home (why do you have to leave when she’s the one who betrayed you), co parent and decide if you really want to stay with a cheater! She can move out if she still needs space. Can you take some time off work to sort out childcare for your DC for the time you are responsible for them?

With regards to her nightly drinking, is she fit to take care of your DC the next day if you are not there?

I think you’re in shock and you haven’t really processed what’s happened. Have you even resolved why she did what she did? Women with 3 year old twins don’t normally have the time or energy to have an affair! She must be deeply unhappy to have done that and just glossing over it isn’t going to work. You deserve better than this.

I feel like you need to stand up to her. She cheated on you. That’s not ok

I don't think falling back in to a relationship/ married life with you immediately will do any good.

She has had an affair and has spent all that time not wanting to be with you any more. She is grieving the end of her relationship with him.
Going back to you is the easy option.. because you're making it so convenient but it's probably not what is best. Not at this point in time, anyway.

She needs to understand what she has lost (your relationship). And if she wants to try and rebuild it, she has to really want it - and work for it! ...you might decide it's not what you want anymore, in the meantime.

It’s very early days OP. I think you both need time to process what has happened here. In time there will be an opportunity to unpick things and try to work out why it happened and also what you both want to do about it, as individuals and as a couple. I imagine she’s feeling a combination of things at the moment - guilt, fear, grief, embarrassment, shame, maybe even the loss of the rush she may have got from the illicit relationship and the way it made her feel. If she’s had PND for a long time with lots of unresolved feelings then she’s going to need time, as you are, to come to terms with what has happened here. I don’t mean to sound like I’m taking sides here but if there was already an underlying MH issue and deep unhappiness then the realisation of what she’s done to you, potentially the security of her children, the wider family etc will be weighing heavy. On MN the majority of posters seem to see this issue of infidelity very black and white and whilst you are of course the innocent party in this and entitled to empathy and support from your DW and a real effort on her part to repair the damage she’s caused, I really think it’s just too soon for her. I wish you well. You sound lovely.

I’m reminded of the old wisdom:
“In order for you to learn something, part of you has to die”.

Right now she may be mourning the ending of her affair relationship, I couldn’t tell you. But I can tell you she is almost certainly grieving the death of her old one. The relationship with you that wasn’t marred by distrust and the relationships she had with relatives and friends who didn’t see her as - frankly, a deceitful b!tch. She knows she has to live with these judgements and any self-perceptions she had of being a good wife, mother, person - they are all gone. She has learnt some unpleasant truths about herself and part of her had to die to learn them. It’s a tremendous assault on the identity she spent a lifetime building up. It’s confusing. It’s frightening. And it’s not your fault.

There isn’t enough detail in your OP for anyone to draw much of a conclusion from. Your letter to her listed out your failings but you need to be realistic. Everyone has failings to a degree. Are yours really so remarkable that they can’t be forgiven in a LTR? Are any counter-weighed by your positives?

Your post reads like it’s all about her, I suppose because she’s the one VISIBLY suffering. But I’m guessing you are too, you’re just holding it together better - for now. Don’t let her distress trump yours. If you didn’t create this situation, it’s not on you alone to get you both out of it. If she wants your trust she needs to EARN it. By that I mean she needs to own her culpability FULLY and that means setting aside her hurt as much as possible to ease yours. You can feel pity for her but she is not the victim here. If you need to see real permanent and positive change in her you need to let her hit rock bottom which means you should stop being her safety net. I’m not saying you should make her suffer - I’m saying you should let her suffer the consequences of her choices - that is the adult burden. Having you and everyone else treat her like a victim prevents her from owning her own BS and will lead her to developing an internal narrative that allows her to plant some of the blame on you and not go through the hard emotional growth she need to make this right.

Best of luck.

I think you’ve made life very easy for her.

Move back to the house and, as PP have said, tell her to sling her hook if she “needs space.” But if she stays, make sure you’re co-parenting and nothing else. No cooking for her, no washing, just do what needs to be done for you and the DC.

I’ll be honest here, it doesn’t sound to me like she’s going to be coming back to the marriage. She lied constantly, clearly felt / feels a lot for the OM and you’re well down her priorities. IMO you should start thinking about where this goes if she calls time on any chance of reconciliation.

Start getting your ducks in a row - where will you live, what will the childcare arrangements look like etc. With her drinking heavily, would it be better for you to assume the primary carer role until she’s in a better place mentally and can do 50:50?

It could be that she has fallen for this guy and wants to be with him but it’s too complicated. She seems like she’s grieving the end of the affair. If she wanted to make it work with you she would be begging forgiveness and wanting to put things right. I’m sorry but it seems she no longer wants to be with you she wants him

Thank you all for your comments. As a bit more background, she had been unhappy for a long time. This person was a shoulder to cry on, said all the things she wanted to hear. She told me she ended it but is so ashamed by what she has done and doesn't deserve a second chance. The other guy has moved back into the family home. I know she will be grieving the loss of this fantasy life because that's what they are. All the good parts of a relationship without the normal everyday relationship struggles. She owned what she did, has apologised and yes there will be an amount of self pity. We are alternating staying in the house at night. She has to come round very early. Apparently the affair only got physical in early October. I believe she is having to take a very long look at herself and probably can't recognise the person she became for that period. I can only guess what is going on in her head. Despite what she has done when I look at her I still see the beautiful woman I fell in love with and love even more than I did. Sadly I neglected her and we should have talked more. I now wonder how long before she accepts what she has done but also accepts that people make mistakes. Even huge ones.

The timing of her breaking up and you getting a message from the neighbour suggests to me that she may not have ended things on her own accord. You are probably not getting the whole story.

Anyway - don’t let it be all about her and don’t let her talk you into leaving the house.

You don’t want this twisted into “my husband walked out on us” type story if you end up divorcing.

I do wonder why you meekly up and left the family home. I think you may regret that decision.

You honestly sound like someone who is either still living in vain hope or is suppressing their own feelings in an attempt avoid pain. You sound detached.

I'd recommend a bit more thought about you and your future rather than her right now.

No words of advice but just very sorry.