Finding out that my boyfriend had been texting his ex at the start of the relationship

[katiie3]

Hi guys

This is a thread for my best friend. She can’t post as she can’t change her name etc

Basically my best friend has been with her bf for 6/7 months. She has just come to find out that at the start of their relationship, around 2 months (both were exclusive and sleeping together) that he had sent messages to his ex.

These messages were asking how his ex felt about him, if she missed him and if she was in love with him/ still loved him. The ex did not reply to any of his messages.

From what she knows, he hasn’t messaged the ex again after that.

She is devastated, and very upset with him. He has apologised and said he shouldn’t have done that.

He said he wants to be with her but she feels disrespected and second best.

Any advice ..... xx

Their relationship is 6/7 months later now and she only found out that he did this, two months into their relationship.

Well he's a bit of a knob isnt he? To put it lightly.
Sounds like he was looking for an ego boost at the expense of his ex. Not very nice. Let alone because he was also in a relationship at the time.

How does he talk about his exs? And women in general? Are there other incidences where your friend has found his behaviour to be selfish, cold or insensitive?

She should call it a day
He's already cheated

@Bunnymumy she said he is nice to her. He hasn’t really shown any negative as such.

Hmmm tough one. I think at 2 months and not yet 'official' it's a bit of a grey one. Yes it's disrespectful but I wouldn't say it's cheating. Also depends whether the 'exclusive' chat was mutual and confirmed or assumed by her. And I've no doubt he does want to be with her now and she shouldn't feel second best, as his feelings for her will be far increased from 2 months to now.

That's pretty shit. And I don't blame her for feeling second best. What had been his plan if his ex had responded positively and wanted to get back? Who ended it, her or him? How long had they been broken up?

I think he likely wanted an ego boost and to feel validated. Not that she was second choice - but he was certainly trying to mess his ex around. I would find it hard to get over, but if he treats her well otherwise and he has no other red flags, she should pull back a bit, and take time to see how the relationship progresses. People sometimes do stupid things when ex-es are concerned, more to regain lost pride than because they're still in love with the ex. Not sure what his reason was, but if he has no other contact with the ex now, then I'd consider it a stupid error in judgement. And give him another chance.

@cmace2 yes, she feels disrespected. We were talking last night about this and she said she that they had the exclusivity chat before sleeping together. And decided that they were only seeing/dating each other.

She feels quite disrespected that he would contact his ex and ask her if she is in love with him whilst dating her and telling her that he really likes her.

It sounds like he wasn't over the ex when he texted her.

@JurassicParkAha the ex ended it with him. From what she knows, he really liked the ex and was upset when their relationship ended.

It was definitely a poor error of judgement. What do you mean by pulling back?

Pulling back means she isn't so available to him, spends more time on her own hobbies and friends. This will have impacted her self esteem a bit and you never want to make decisions when you're not feeling your best - and right now she'll be feeling insecure and anxious. So she should focus on looking after herself, not spending all her free time with him, doing activities that make her happy - let him do the hard work of getting the relationship back to a good level.

The fact he wasn't over his ex completely when they first started going out is annoying. But that was months ago and his feelings for your friend will have changed since then. But she should make any decisions on whether to stay or go from a position of strength. And pulling back will let her do that - she does not want to get caught in this insecure cycle where she gets needy and that will tear apart the relationship even more.

@JurassicParkAha thank you, that is fantastic advice.

He contacted her last night to meet up this week, he wanted to pop over to her house one evening, have some food and watch a film.

I wouldn’t stay in this relationship, it would make me feel very insecure. My DP makes me feel as though I am the only woman in the world he could ever love, and consistently tells me that he’s never felt like this before. Perhaps I’m needy but I need that level of reassurance

@JurassicParkAha’s advice is very sound.

When I first got together with my now DH, after several years of being single, another man in whom I had also been interested chose to declare himself around the same time. A real “men are like buses” scenario. They were very different from each other and I was profoundly attracted to both of them - both physically and as people. I only ever dated my DH but it took me about 6 months to be completely sure about that decision, by which time it was very clear to me that I was fully committed to my DH. That was 20+ years ago and I have never been anything but relieved that that was the decision I made.

Your friend’s BF may well now be seriously relieved that his ex never got back to him. If he generally treats your friend well, then this may well be sth that they can move beyond.