Relationship crisis over new baby conflict

[Tomc80]

I’m a 40 year man with 2 kids (9 and 11) from a previous relationship and my new partner also 40 has 3 from previous relationship (9,19 and 22). We met online just over a year ago. Our relationship is amazing we click on so many levels and I I am deeply in love with her. We have been living together since March and are engaged to be married next June. However there is one major sticking point between us I really do not want anymore children but my fiancé does. It’s got to crisis point where our future together is on the line. From our first date the question of more children was thrown up and we both said that it was not something we wanted. About 6 months in she told that she was so in love with me that she desperately wanted a baby with me in the future but it was still something I really did not want. That conversation caused a lot of upset and I ended up conceding that never say never and give some time as I may feel different further down the line. The subject arose a couple of months later and having swelled on it I disclosed that I really didn’t want anymore. My reasons are numerous including not wanting to be an older father, financial, house space, wanting to enjoy our time together which is already limited due to having 3 littles and juggling a blended family and probably some deeper issues linked to having to leave my children due to my ex’s choices and wanting ensuring I am a good father to them. I understand my fiancé’s reason for wanting another she feels a new bubba will be a link between our blended families and that there will be a little piece of us in the world. Despite those beautiful heart felt reason and really searching my heart and soul the thought of having another baby makes me feel very unhappy. She says that she’s feels I don’t love her enough to give her another baby - which makes me feel like a total arsehole. I love my fiancé so much and want to spend the rest of my life with her but I won’t be pushed into something as massive a bringing a little life into the world when my heart and head are so against it. Can we move forward from this? I feel lost and scared

Hi OP,

You already know that this is going to be a major issue going forward. I really wouldn’t make any more plans for the wedding. I think you have both moved very fast only meeting just over a year ago.
You don’t want a baby and she does, I think sadly this means you are not compatible. You can’t have a baby to make her happy that would be wrong and she shouldn’t give up on having another baby if that is what she really wants but it can’t be with you.

I agree with the previous post.

Having a child is not something to be taken lightly. Bringing a child into the world without wanting it fully or being fully convinced of the decision is a horrible experience to have, not least for the poor child to come.

I would cancel the wedding plans if your fiance does not fully share your view on having another child. Save yourself and your fiance (and the poor child) future unhappiness.

You've clearly given this a lot of thought and, from what you've said, you appear to have communicated this clearly with your partner now you know how you feel. For what it's worth I thinj your reasons are totally sound and in my mind having another child won't be beneficial in your family set up.
If you decide to continue the relationship it had to be on the basis that she accepts and respects your decision.

And id get the snip if I were you.

*'has to be on the basis' that should say

Aside from the fact you are both in a new relationship and it seems to have escalated quite quickly...you need to stick to the fact you don't want anymore children. You fiance sounds very immature, babies are NOT a bridge for a relationship. Between you, there are already 5 children to consider. If she can't get past that, it doesn't bode well at all.

I also agree with PP, get the snip before she traps you into getting pregnant 'by accident'.

I really feel for you - what a horrible situation and what a shame it is spoiling this amazing new relationship.

Was your partner wanting another child before she met you? Or is it that you are so wonderful that that is the only reason = all that stuff about making a new being that is both of you and bringing your families together. Sounds overly romantic to me.

Overly romantic because you already have five children between you and the youngest are nine. You are nearly out of the woods .

It may come down to the fact that she sees your future as one with a baby in it and all that that entails - as you listed - a lot of negatives for you at this point in your lives. And you see a future as one where you have found each other and you want a relationship with her as a woman, not the mother of your child.

However, it doesn't sound like she is going to stop wishing for this other child and I think this may mean the end of your relationship which to me seems a real shame. Finding someone to love is not easy.

I also wonder about her feelings regarding children. She already has a big gap between her older kids and her nine year old. Was that a desperate need from her to have another? It's a pity she seems to want another last child.

I hope you can work something out.

She has said that she never wanted another baby before she met me and that is her love for me that has given her that longing again. This just makes it that much harder to swallow that we may not be able to have a future together. I have suspicions that she has some deep seated insecurities that may play into this. Think there is some jealousy that I had children with someone else and she equates the fact that I don’t want anymore to mean that I can’t love her as much as I loved my ex. Often dropping questions like “if your ex asked you back with open arms would you go?” To which I obviously reply “of course not” (I hold absolutely no flame for my ex) her reply often insinuates that I am lying. Makes you feel really crappy to have your love constantly questioned when I literally only have eyes for her.

“Think there is some jealousy that I had children with someone else and she equates the fact that I don’t want anymore to mean that I can’t love her as much as I loved my ex.”

You sound very insightful, OP. I understand your partner’s romantic desire to have a shared child but that’s not a good enough reason to do it. You already have 5 children between you which seems like plenty. She obviously feels like she would have the energy to start again but if my youngest were 9 I certainly wouldn’t want to start again with another baby. No-one’s wrong here but it does sound like you may not be compatible long-term.

That really is the hardest thing, knowing neither of us are wrong and that really the only option is for one of us to concede or accept that despite our love for each other we cannot be together 😢

You sound very sensible OP. Your DP sounds as if she is very naive / unrealistic - babies are not there to be a bridge between people and they need to be wanted by both parents in their own right. I mean, it's not really a compliment to her that you would stick around for the baby is it?! And actually, having a baby to be a "precious little piece of us" is quite nauseating and potentially destabilising for your other kids.

Obviously, so far you have planned to get married, so there is a future commitment. She wants a child, you don't. What else is there in the future that you both agree (or disagree) on? I have kids with my DH and they are a big part of our lives and we love them very much, obviously, but also we do plan a future that is about us as a couple and we have our own dreams too. Do you have shared dreams and plans for the future?

Her reasoning doesn't make sense. She is so in love with you that she wants to have a baby with you. But, you don't want another one so she's not being loving at all. It sounds more like manipulation to prove she's better than your ex. A bit childish for someone in their 40s.

You're certain you don't want anymore, then go get the snip. There won't be any oopsie.
If she wants to leave because of you not wanting a baby, then she really doesn't love you that much.

I hope she can be thankful for the ones she has and look forward to the marriage and dreams that don't involve a baby at 40!

The thing is she doesn't just want another baby.

She wants another baby with you so there is a piece of you two in the world. It sounds cute in theory but how often do you think of your defiant 6 yo or moody teenager so romantically as a piece of you two.

They are individuals and often very different to their parents. Remind her of that.

Just keep telling her straight up you don't want them anymore.

I would go as far to refuse to discuss it: we've talked about this etc

5 kids between you is plenty. Don't be bullied into this. But you could lose the relationship. Imagine how it would be if you had a child how resentful would you feel? Would you pull your weight? It's not going to work if you have a child. You know this so the question is will its still work if you don't have a child?

I think there are a few parallel themes here.
It is possible that she wants to have a baby with you to feel more connected.
But its also possible that it’s her closing fertility window which makes many women long for one last child.

My guess, actually is that it’s the latter, as it’s quite common.

What you can do instead of breaking up is to stall a bit and let her come to terms with the fact that she is done with childbearing.
In practical terms - I’d suggest to her that as both of you are on the older side of things - it’d be prudent to first do some sort of full checkups, just to see if you can even have healthy children. With luck - given the pandemic - this can take a while, and maybe she would come to her senses. Or - she may actually realise that the risks of pregnancy at her age may not be as worth it - neither to her, not to any potential child.

OP, you need to reconsider everything. Right now this engagement is based on lust and chemistry but that is not the basis for a successful long term marriage, as you well know. How do both sets of children get on with you both? How do you know both sets of children truly get on? Would both sets of children be happy sharing their lives with each other (not just you two assuming they would be)? This relationship is moving WAY too fast considering both your baggage and you've only seen each other on best behaviour, considering you're only about a year in. Also, if I was a child in this situation I would be very alarmed and unsettled.

It's very strange that she apparently did a complete 180 in the space of just six months, from not wanting children, to wanting a child with you. Indicates that she's not thinking clearly and is getting swept up with emotion. I would be looking to get to know her better. She already sounds like she could be potentially manipulative and/or unreasonable. She's also at the cusp of her fertile years ending (aged 40) so I wonder if it's a mini panic at this and wondering if you are her last chance to have one last child.

I don't believe she all of a sudden wants another baby and it's because she loves you so much. She was aware that you didn't want more children and she was in agreement so I don't see why she would have this idea she wants a baby in the mix. If she really knew you and loved you then this would not be part of the equation. I think you need to question her on that and get her to call off the baby making plans and if she can't do that she is really wanting a baby and that's her priority.

My friend went through this. Ironically she is now pleased they didn’t have another but her husband regrets it!

She did have a rough time coming to terms with it initially and she did almost leave. It wasn’t about another baby, it was about having a child with him.

If she loves you then she’ll respect your decision that you don’t want another child. You already have 5 between you. I agree with PP that her desire to have a baby isn’t a new desire. Your relationship is moving way too fast. You shouldn’t feel rushed into marriage and more babies. I don’t think this relationship is right for you as you’ll resent one another no matter which decision you make. Sorry OP but it’s better to know this early on.