Online dating disaster (again)

[Leonardo87]

For anyone who has read my last posts

They will know I have had my share of two online dating disasters this year

I rejoined a ‘better’ app - Hinge, last week.
Swiping mindlessly through the utter cesspit... I stumbled across a profile of a man I recognised.

It was a friends boyfriend who she had met on there 10/11 months before. They are ‘facebook’ official and post ‘coupled’ stories on instagram.
I swiped left in shock.
I decided to see if I could find him again but changing the demographics - he popped up again a second time.

I did a google search about Hinge, apparently it only shows profiles active in the last 72 hours, which made me suspicious.

I did a confidential poll of two very close girlfriends regarding this information.

They both said to tell her and I agreed.
I told her on the phone on Friday night - we were meant to meet but due to lockdown this never happened. I explained that ‘I know this is probably nothing and I am not accusing him of anything and I know that these things can happen but I could not live with myself if I never told you... I seen X on Hinge’. She immediately was defensive and said ‘I am 100% not worried about that’ but in the background was texting him and immediately ended the phone call with me to speak to him.

He said the usual - ‘I forgot to delete the app’.

Now she is not speaking to me, and he is calling me a trouble maker. Which is not true. I thought it through for a week or so and asked some friends.

Did I do the right thing.

Yes. But your 'friend' chose her bf over you.

Perhaps in time she will realise what he is and get back in touch to tell you how right you were to warn her, but that she just couldn't hear it at the time.

But for now, leave her to it.

I think you phrased it correctly and tackled it sensitively. I don't believe him for a minute and she will probably recognise what happened eventually. Anyway it's worth losing this friendship, probably temporarily, because you couldn't have hung out with her, or him, knowing this but keeping it secret.

Definitely done the right thing and well done for being upfrot & honest. A true friend wil tell the truth not just what you want to hear. She's chosen to ignore it and shun you at her peril, nothing else you can do but to move on. Hopefully the truth will out soon enough.

Yes. Well done for having the guts.

Accept that she will want to believe him. If he's playing away, she will work it out eventually and hopefully accept that you were trying to help.

She's hurting, give her the space to deal with it.

You did the right thing. Unfortunately there was a risk he would lie his way out of it (if he had been recently active) and she would choose to believe him.

But you can look yourself in the eye and it sounds as though you handled it tactfully.

She may realise what he is like and come back to you but tbh in your shoes I would rather have done the right thing and lose the friendship than hide information about a cheating or dishonest partner just to avoid rocking the boat.

The thing is. He may NOT be lying. Which is why I am struggiling to come to terms with it. I could have utterly insulted and compromised a new connectiom. Dating apps are foriegn to me over the past 2 years and I have found them stressful.

However, I have plenty of people who met their partners on dating apps and never seen any of them?

Also - when I am dating someone new (even if they turn out to be fantangos) - it is easy and considerate to ‘pause’ the profile and delete the account.

I have heard the ‘I deleted the app and not the account by accident’ many times. How come I have had the sense not to do that.

I'm on 3 dating sites and have been for years, I've never deleted any of them when I've been in a relationship, mainly because I so rarely on them that it wouldn't even occur to me that they need deleting.

Having said that he does sound very defensive about it, whereas I would have just shrugged, and said oh okay thanks for the heads up I'll delete it

Oh please. He knows enough to pause his profile or delete the app. Both options mean he would not be shown on the app. He's not an idiot.

You did the right thing absolutely. And if it really was him just forgetting, she wouldn't be so upset with you and neither would he. Clearly you touched a nerve for both of them.

You don't need friends who can't appreciate you looking out for them.

As someone said above, why would he make your friend turn on you if it was genuinely innocent!!!
If it was me, I would be mortified and immediately make sure my partner and the friend knew that I genuinely just hadn't deleted the app. He should actually be happy that she has such a loyal friend. He's clearly a creep. Its a shame she has chosen to stop speaking to you. If she was a true friend, even if it was a genuine mistake, she should be grateful you told her.

Oh he absolutely was on it. You definitely did the right thing, there is no doubt about that. Whether or not your friend chooses to be in denial is her business.

I’d want to know, and would not begrudge a friend telling me......

@happinessischocolate

I'm on 3 dating sites and have been for years, I've never deleted any of them when I've been in a relationship, mainly because I so rarely on them that it wouldn't even occur to me that they need deleting.

Having said that he does sound very defensive about it, whereas I would have just shrugged, and said oh okay thanks for the heads up I'll delete it

You’re a woman. No one on here will disbelieve that and you’ll be perfectly entitled to not delete. In fact, if a partner challenges you they are probably being controlling.

Men however, must be lying and cheating. No other explanation.

Not the point of this thread, but there should be legislation that forces dating apps to permanently delete any unused profiles and data if dormant for say 1+year. I was on two apps around 6 years ago. They made it difficult to permanently delete, you could only temporarily hide the profile. I gave up and did that. I still get messages about potential matches to my spam folder now 6 years later.