Is it over?

[whatwouldidowithoutu]

Hi all,

Hoping someone/anyone can give me some advice here. I'm 30 years old and married with a three year old and another son on the way (18 weeks). We have been together for 11 years and despite many of lifes up's and down's remained tight. We are also in the process of buying a house. But it's just not a great marriage.

There is barely any intimacy. It doesn't help that I'm pregnant and really don't feel sexual at the moment. But we don't cuddle in bed anymore like we used to either. If anything it's a brief kiss/hug in the morning or once we get home. I have mentioned many times to him over the past year that I don’t feel any affection from him whatsoever but he disregards it. He’s happy to have sex with me, but a cuddle and a kiss is not on the agenda.

On top of that we argue a lot. Most of the time over silly things, but often about money and finances too. He accuses me of spending, yet the truth is, we don’t make enough between us to pay for our essential outgoings. Hence us never having enough money. He is still trying to get to where he wants to be career wise but it’s just not happening, and I can’t help but feel he blames me for it? If that makes sense. I work part time, and the two days I don’t I have our son. Sometimes he’ll speak to me as if I’m having a day off? Comments like ‘well at least you can relax’ etc.

Then we argue about the house and chores. He’s great with our son but when it comes to tidying up/washing it’s constantly me. Again I am on at him all the time to help me, it’s gotten to the point where we now have a rota on the wall just so he has to follow it. But even this morning, there I am doing breakfast and lunch, feeding our pets and getting myself and our son ready for the day whilst he struggles to get out of bed. So yeah it’s just not ideal and I don’t really know what to do?

We actually discussed it last night and agreed that it’s not working, he suggested we wait until we’ve sorted out the house and gotten through the baby years with our next son, then work out what to do. Obviously everything I’ve listed are the negatives in our relationship, but in spite of those I love him and can’t imagine loving someone else as much. We used to be so close and talk about everything. Now we feel miles apart. At night we both just sit on our phones. I feel so sad it’s come to this.

Gosh, that sounds tough OP. I'm sorry.

But how on earth are you going to get through the next few years?

@ChickOnAStick honestly, I don't know. I had postnatal depression with our first and was very poorly for the first six months, OH was wonderful and has always been amazing when it comes to my mental health. I think he's wary of it happening again, hence him saying to stick it out just whilst #2 is so young. I feel very sad this morning because there is a lot of love there, but are we in love? I don't think so.

My best friend's mother said you should never be allowed to split up in the first couple of years after children are born (abuse aside, of course). It's an impossibly hard time on a relationship.... you don't know if you'll come out in a better place. Maybe your DH has a point?

I'm really sorry you're going through this. Being pregnant, your hormones are going to be all over the place so I can imagine you're feeling even more sensitive to what's happening with your husband than you normally would. Are you certain that the pregnancy isn't adding fuel to the fire? Were the issues this bad before you fell pregnant?

What is it that's kept you together? So many people stay together for the sake of their children, which IMO isn't good enough. You're so young. You can start all over again, and when the time is right meet someone else who ticks the boxes your current OH doesn't. He sounds like a typical man and not a bad one, especially given that he wants to stick together during an impending difficult time. Perhaps discuss co-parenting? My sister split from her husband of 12 years last year, they co parent their two and are both much happier for it. He moved out, but lives ten minutes from her so they let the kids choose who they're with most of the time, though they chose their base to be with my sister.

You really need to take some time to figure out what you BOTH want. If the love is still there and you WANT to get back to being happy with eachother, then you need to work at it. Long term relationships don't just work naturally, do you spend time alone? Do you allocate evenings where you chat and put your phones away? Do you call on childcare to have evenings off being parents? What did you enjoy doing together before you had children? All of these points are so important in keeping the spark there. But if you feel it's gone beyond that point, then slowly and steadily start making plans. Don't stay in an unhappy marriage just because it feels easy. it isn't easy to stay with someone you no longer love. You sound like a nice person and I'm sure there will come a time when you realise you need to call it quits and move on. Good luck x

Thank you ladies for the replies.

Things have been harder overall since we had our son and the pressures of being an adult can get on top of us both. He still makes me laugh and when he does show me attention/affection it’s nice. I’m still attracted to him, I definitely don’t flinch when he touches me which I’ve seen written on some of the other posts. It’s more the arguing that I can’t get my head around. It’s tit for tat constantly. I feel like he resents me over money, and I resent him for blaming me for absolutely anything that goes wrong in his life. All he does is work or spend time at home with our son which isn't healthy, yet he does nothing about it. He'll moan every evening about his job and then sit on his phone. That's it. I said to him last night, are you unhappy with me? Or unhappy with your life on a whole?

I speak to friends about our relationships, and honestly when they tell me some of the things their husbands say or do I’m in shock. I know everyone has their own issues to work through and nothing is perfect, but most days I feel unloved and unappreciated.

Have you tried a message date.
Just start sending him cute messages, make it a habit that if your looking at him and he is on his phone across the room you remind him you love him.
I hate phones they are addictive and gobble up free time.

"I hate phones they are addictive and gobble up free time."

This is so true. I'm guilty of being on mine a lot yet if my DH is I find it really annoying how distracted he is. I'm trying really hard to leave my phone in another room when we're together in the evening after our toddler is in bed (we have a newborn so it's not alone time... but it's the time we have to connect)

I just don't know how we can save it.

Tbh he sounds like a bit of a tool. You’re young. Get settled with your new baby. Secretly make plans and divorce him when you’re able to.

Who does the budgeting/buying? If he thinks you're constantly over spending money then perhaps he can take over the shopping and see how much things actually cost?

It is a very common thing for men to disregard the work women do in the home, so the remarks about you having 'relax' time while looking after your son are not surprising. Obviously you're pregnant now and so I assume will be going on maternity leave but after that would it be possible for you to work full time like he does?

I don't feel wholly comfortable suggesting these things since I don't think the onus should be on a woman to 'prove' that she actually does a lot of work, men should just stop being sexist and start appreciating our contributions properly. But if you really do want to save the marriage then perhaps these are steps you could consider. If the marriage feels dead though, you can end it. It is not a failure to leave a marriage that is no longer working or making you happy. Only you know whether he is likely to genuinley make an effort to change.

Also, how old is your DH?