Navel gazing thread about relationship

[littleloopylou]

Not even sure what I'm looking for with this, but here goes.

I left my abusive ex a bit over a year ago but divorce proceedings are ongoing. In July, I reconnected with a male friend/acquaintance and we have been meeting up regularly. I really enjoy his company and I think he's a really good person. (He also works a lot and is very obese, two lifestyle/health issues that concern me).

We went for a walk yesterday that turned into drinking a large amount of wine. It came out that he would like a relationship with me. He said lots of stuff about how I'm very intelligent and fascinating etc. I told him that I'm a mess, don't trust my own judgement, and I have no energy for anything extra until my divorce is over.

He said he would want to be friends with me regardless.

I also have a 5 year old little boy to care for and I absolutely won't introduce him to a man anytime soon.

It's all very confusing. I really enjoy his company and it's been such a lonely time in lockdown. I think the obvious answer is that we continue as friends, certainly for the moment at least. But it's bizarre to me to realise I could be in a relationship tomorrow.

Nothing wrong with making a new friend in tough times. Sounds like he paid you a genuine complement too. But just be aware - drinks were flowing and so he may back peddle.

Also, ppl who've been in abusive relationships often attract more of the same unfortunately. It never wise to tell a suitor of prior abuse early on as if they have similar tendencies, it gives them the idea that you have low boundaries. Also Google 'love bombing' just incase this recent compliment outburst is part of that.

Not to throw water on the fire but just be careful.
You mention his unsuitable lifestyle and lifestyle choices. So dating him really isn't an option anyway right? Dont let flattery that makes you feel good about yourself, leas to you leading this poor guy on. Or lead to you dating someone you don't even fancy.

I've only told him that my ex is a horrible person, nothing specific.

He actually isn't love bomby at all. He tried to pay the first time we went out for dinner (when that was allowed!) But I said no and that was that. He's been totally respectful and considerate.

I think it was my fault he even said anything, due to where I think I led the conversation (my memory of it is a bit unclear).

Dating him isn't really an option, no. I truly don't even know why I'm posting - I guess trying to work out my feelings. It seems to me that it's difficult to even find compatible men. (I am always attracted to really intelligent, successful men and he does fit that category!)

Thanks for posting btw

You haven't been out of your relationship very long. And I'm sure you're still in a very sensitive place emotionally. And have the divorce to complete.

I get that it's really nice to hear nice things and have somebody interested (who seems nice) but I would really recommend staying single for a while, spend time getting to know yourself as an individual, decide what you want going forward and then once ready, spread the net a little wider and see if any other budding friendships could present themselves.

Yes, I think that what's happening here is I'm feeling lonely and sad and it's exciting to actually have a connection with someone - but I know it's unwise to pursue it further.

My marriage was basically dead for at least a year before I left, but I was absolutely faithful to him. Previously in my life, I never went more than a few months without some sort of... involvement or pseudo relationship if nothing else.

I also think that he hasn't necessarily thought things through that well.

I can totally imagine us having a nice time as companions. I can envisage going to his beautiful flat at the weekend, hanging out, reading together, etc. (We are both introverted and I'm sure we are well suited in this way).

But I think he probably wants a family of his own and I'm pretty sure that I'm not the right person to do that. I think we would quickly come up against these issues.

Bump in case anyone else has thoughts about my non-problem

It's lovely that you've reconnected and made a friend in these lonely times OP. I agree that it is nice to hear compliments and be flattered by someone, especially when they are your usual type! I'd exercise a bit of caution just because it's easy to get swept away with the feelings when somebody that's actually decent treats you well/as you should be treated. After coming out of an abusive relationship, behaviour that should be standard seems like an amazing thing. But otherwise, you have your head on straight by identifying why he wouldn't be a suitable partner but could be an excellent friend. Stick with that and see where it goes?

@Heartbeats0708 this is exactly what I need to hear

Oh good! It's nice to get something right 😂I could relate a lot to your OP!

The self reflection continues.

Life in Covid, and whilst going through a divorce, is just so boring. I think that I'm considering pursuing this in part just for a distraction + connection with another human being (whom I do quite like).

I know that many people are experiencing this sort of ennui and discontent.

Very obese and a workaholic and also a little bit over gushing?

The above aren't traits I'd be looking for in a new relationship. I'd friend zone this one pronto

He's actually not overgushing, but he is obese and a workaholic. It took 4 months of hanging out fairly regularly for him to say he is interested or to make any comments whatsoever regarding my personality or appearance. I assume his feelings have been growing as we have been seeing more of each other.