Dating question

[flowersrain]

Having come out of a toxic relationship, I am wondering how to approach dating again.

Dating in lockdown is hard. I have been on 2 dates with one guy, both were socially distanced walks. He seems nice, much kinder and more thoughtful than my ex and shares similar beliefs and values. However, there hasn't really been any flirting (it's a bit difficult at a social distance!) and I'm feeling confused about how I should approach this.

With my ex, I felt a real spark, sense of attraction and desire and it was so exciting. However, I wonder if this was unhealthy as it led to a toxic relationship in which I put him on a pedestal, did all the work in the relationship and was treated as a convenience.

When dating, should I be looking for a spark, or rather someone with whom I have shared values and beliefs and get on with? I overlooked the importance of shared values and beliefs with my ex due to the spark and resulting trauma bond.

Or is it possible to have a spark AND a shared sense of values and beliefs. Should I be expecting to feel a spark on a socially distanced date? Is it possible that it could grow over time?

Sorry for all the questions! I have a lot going on in my head right now

I don’t know how anyone is managing to date at the moment, all sounds really awkward. I wouldn’t worry about feeling a spark at the moment as it all sounds very awkward anyway so would probably feel quite difficult atm

Healthy, loving relationships can begin in many ways. The most important thing you need to do is to stop comparing any new relationship to the one you had with your ex. You already know your initial instincts about him were dead wrong, so take things slowly and look at any new potential partner with fresh eyes. If a spark develops, wonderful, if you're not feeling it you can move on and try again.

I know what you mean OP. I’ve been on two dates this year. The first was was really nice and my family wanted me to see him again but there was zero spark for me so I didn’t. The second guy I sparked with but some of the things he said jumped out as red flags for selfish and lazy behaviour in the future so I didn’t see him again either. I’ll try online dating again next spring when we’ve got better weather to go on more walking dates. My sister was in a bad long term relationship and she sparked with a really lovely new guy who she’s now married to. I’m sure we can have both but I think it takes a long time to find him if you’re not going to settle.

@Givemeabreak88 it is really difficult but I also want to meet someone and share a life with them so I don't really have much choice. It's definitely not ideal!

@Aquamarine1029 yes, you are right - the only comparisons I make are ones that are unfavourable to my ex eg 'this guy cares about others so much more than my ex' etc

@thefourgp this is the problem with sparks - I seem to get them with the wrong kind of guy. Well I did in my last relationship, so it makes me wonder whether I should look past the initial spark.

Also it may be unreasonable to expect to feel a spark on a socially distanced walk?

I do worry I will never feel a spark again though...