DH's relationship with the bath!!

[Dontcallmecrazy]

DH and I are in troubled water (pardon the pun!) and have been for just over a year. We're probably past the point of salvaging anything, but I'm just reflecting.
Since I've met him, every evening that he spends at home not out doing hobbies, he has a really long bath. Since DCs, they are in bed by 8pm and then DH sits in the bath until 9.30.pm.
I go to bed at around 9.50pm as I'm often up with DC2 during the night. It means that we have never really had much time together in the evenings and time to chat and plan our lives has been non-existent.
When I go to bed, he stays up late watching Netflix.
We're like passing ships.
I get he needs to relax, but it's not really ok to choose long baths over connecting with his wife every single evening is it?
We have sex once a month because we don't really get the opportunity.
Are there any men out there who actually make an effort to connect to partners in the evenings? He seems to think this existence is normal and goes on in most households with DCs?

Every night tho??

If he compromises and does it after OP is in bed then I don't see the problem with him doing it every night if he usually stays up later than her anyway. Some people like to unwind in the bath 🤷 I could probably do it every night if I didn't have other things to do.

My DP likes to have baths every evening to relax and he says they help his bad back. But he doesn't lock the door and will often ask if I want to join him and we'll listen to a podcast together / just talk.

I don't always even sit in the bath just sit on a beanbag in the bathroom.

Maybe you could compromise and say if he really wants to have the bath can you join him sometimes? Not even for the whole 90 minutes maybe just for an hour or 45 minutes if he wants some alone time.

I would be weirded out and annoyed if my DP locked the door when he was in the bath (although we don't have kids so there's no reason for him to lock the door).

He's wanking

He seems to think this existence is normal and goes on in most households with DCs?

It's probably normal enough in marriages that are doomed to fail.
I'm sure in happy marriages that last the distance that the people involved make time to spend with each other!

9.50 is pretty early for an adult to go to bed too, would he find a different reason to be away from you if you stayed up later?

If the relationship is over does it matter ?

I really don't see the problem tbh. I'd do the same if I could stay in the bath that long without falling asleep.

It depends on how early the kids are in bed, I have a young DS who's 1, so he's down by 7:30 so 90 mins in the bath would still leave us with a reasonable amount of time to chill, do whatever together.

On nights where he isn't down till 10pm then I'd be less than impressed if DH wanted a 90 min bath if we arranged to have time together. If we hadn't wanted time together then go for it. Both need downtime

@NewHomeJitters

Every night tho??

If he compromises and does it after OP is in bed then I don't see the problem with him doing it every night if he usually stays up later than her anyway. Some people like to unwind in the bath 🤷 I could probably do it every night if I didn't have other things to do.

Sorry my point was every night under the circumstances on the op, not every night in a totally different scenario

@grassisjeweled

He's wanking

For 90 minutes??

Are there any men out there who actually make an effort to connect to partners in the evenings? He seems to think this existence is normal and goes on in most households with DCs?

Normally I do bedtime at 7.30, then work out until 9 and we spend 9 to 10 together in front of the TV. So I'm spending about an hour working out, then cooking and showering, which is 90 minutes total.

TBH after us both being at home together all day (since Covid) we could do with a bit of time apart in the evening, but always try to have that hour before bed.

Could timings be adjusted so he can still have some time alone but then you have an hour together? Slightly earlier bedtime for DC if you can't go to sleep later?

I think the issue here is that he does it every night rather than a couple of times a week.

DS is almost 1. I frequently chose to go to bed early and leave DP watching tv because I’m up 150 times a night still. BUT I do spend the first bit of the evening with him and have a cuppa / chat / watch an episode of something with him. Occasionally we’ll have dinner just us after DS goes down.

Of course our relationship has comparatively suffered since we’ve had a child to when we were child free. BUT we spend more time together now then when DS was a newborn, and I expect by the time he’s two things will be more normal still and so on.

Child rearing is difficult and it takes it toll on the relationship. I do see these early years as the relationship being in ‘survival mode’ until we can reclaim a bit of freedom.

I see your issue as being the lack of balance or any effort.

That’s odd. Does he fall asleep in there would be my guess? Does he lock the door?

Sorry my point was every night under the circumstances on the op, not every night in a totally different scenario

Ah, sorry. The comment you replied to suggested he compromised and have one after the OP went to bed... I assumed your reply of 'every night?' Was in response to that.

I would be weirded out and annoyed if my DP locked the door when he was in the bath

I don't agree it's weird or something to be annoyed about that your partner may lock the bathroom door when using it

Sometimes DH will come in the bathroom and speak to me if I'm in the bath but I still lock the door, I just get out and open it for him.

Everyone is entitled to privacy. Being married doesn't change that imo. I'd be pretty annoyed if my partner was annoyed at the fact I locked my bathroom door when washing.

I was texting a guy a few years back. Every night I'd ask him what he was upto and he'd say he was in the bath. Turned out he had a partner and 3 children. Your post made me think of this vile guy wanting to meet me ect..
If he takes his phone with him and locks the door my guess would be that he's doing something he shouldn't be.

Leave the bathtard!

He must look like an old prune! I’d be suspicious of what he was up to, but it would be the lack of company that would bother me most.

One for marriage counselling, if only to point out that it’s selfish and unusual behaviour.

The one thing I cant understand about this all, is ... have you never asked DH yourself op?

...why?
...what do you do for so long EVERY night
...I feel neglected
...what can we change to have more time together?

Do you not cook together? Sit down for a meal? Must you go to bed every night at 9:50pm? Does he not help with DC in the night? What is the hobby and must he partake so much? Aren't DC missing him too? What do your weekends look like if this is the weekdays?

It sounds like he's avoiding you, but if you haven't spoke to him about any of it, he might not even realise this is a problem.

My DP bas taken to having baths on an evening. He had the radio on during and tbh the noise does my head in I wish he would spent 90 minutes in them sometimes so I get my own evening time, but he wants to spend time together so doesn't, the way you're living is not normal op..

You need to talk to him

Ask him to have his bath after you go to bed. Problem solved. Unless he's avoiding you. Either way you need to tell him your not happy.

I could spend 3 hours in the bath reading.

Why don’t you ask him to get out at 9 and you stay up later.

9.50 is early to go to bed, just like a 90 min bath is excessive.

I easily stay in the bath for over an hour a few times a week.

He might be trying to keep his sanity and the relationship, by having 90 minutes to himself in the evening.

I love long baths too.
(If I could only get the opportunity to have one!)
Very surprised by those who believe that 9.50 is too early to go to bed... I guess you get up later than me and aren't bed sharing with a toddler during the night. DH will go to the spare room when DS gets in bed with me.
I don't think he's cheating. I think he has just given up on me and is filling his time. He will usually read a book or listen to podcasts, he never locks the door. Je blames the need for long baths on his anal fissure.

You need to compromise. Nothing wrong with a 90 minute bath. Nothing wrong with going to bed before 10.

But every single night? That's not right, make time for each other. Speak to him

@Dontcallmecrazy

I love long baths too. (If I could only get the opportunity to have one!) Very surprised by those who believe that 9.50 is too early to go to bed... I guess you get up later than me and aren't bed sharing with a toddler during the night. DH will go to the spare room when DS gets in bed with me. I don't think he's cheating. I think he has just given up on me and is filling his time. He will usually read a book or listen to podcasts, he never locks the door. Je blames the need for long baths on his anal fissure.

1) he needs to go to the dr about that and get it fixed 2) he needs to go in the bath after you’ve gone to bed, at least sometimes 3) why are you doing all the night wakings and bed sharings? 4) when are you supposed to be able to have a nice bath?