Unsure if I was abused as a teenager, or if it was me *potentially triggering**

[namechange19790]

I'm so ashamed about my behaviour when I look to the past.
When I was 14, I met an older guy.

Within days, I lost my virginity to him. We didn't last long, and a friend of his asked to have a 'one off' with me..this sounds so stupid, but I did it so as not to hurt his feelings.
I went completely off the rails, and ended up regularly sleeping or performing sex acts to someone who was old enough to be my grandad (not linked to the other people)..I lied initialy to these people, and said that I was 15..however when I confessed my real age this carried on (although thy were shocked at first). I didn't particularly enjoy doing this, but I didn't like to say no (I know how that sounds now)
Someone I knew in passing offered my money to perform a sex act on him, which I'm ashamed to say I did, the much older man gave me small amounts of money at times (though it was never said that it was for what I was doing) I must have had such a reputation..I'm not sure if I was abused, or these men were taking advantage of that reputation.
It all seems like another life away..I would turn the clock back, there is so much that I would change

@namechange19790 well, one thing to have come out of this post is I genuinely never looked at it that way. I always blamed myself so thanks. Hope your ok 💐

I had similar happen OP you are not alone and its not your fault. When I was 16 i got involved with a 45 year old man, he used to make me strip on camera to people and flash his friends when they came round. Also made me have sex with someone. I am so ashamed at what I was like I wish I could go back and do my whole teenage years again.

I'm sorry to hear of both of your experiences, it's good that you can now see that it wasnt your fault Bleughbleughbleugh, and hopefully the same for Clockticktock..like previous poster said, it does not define us xx

Sorry I don't want to "me-rail" but wanted to share a similar experience, OP.

I lost my virginity to someone very fast when I was 15 who latterly put pressure on me to do some sexual stuff. After getting dumped, I went on a bit of a spiral and had sex with many other people - including two 25 year olds (one who was a drug abuser that made me uncomfortable and the other who was coercive and manipulative, as well as apathetic to my age). Right after my 16th I slept with a 51 year old (in a similar situation to you I think) but thought it was OK because "I was legal now so it doesn't matter".

I just wanted to let you know that I didn't realise it was sexually exploitative either. I thought that's just what happened. I thought because I said "yes" I was in control.

I wasn't of legal age, nor was I in the right mindspace to be able to weigh up if I wanted to have sex, nor would I have had the confidence to say no. It was wrong that it happened to me, and it's wrong that it happened to you. I'm so sorry for your experience and I know how much situations that aren't violent in the typical sense mess with your head (though no disrespect to any other survivors of course).

I just wanted to say that because it's a form of sexual abuse that's a lot more underhanded and most people don't talk about it because they doubt their experiences. But you're right to talk about it, and it's all about the process of healing from now. I wish you the best and if you ever want to drop me a message and have a chat, feel absolutely free. . xx

Thank you so much berrygirlie for sharing that, I'm glad that you did.
You sound very strong, and have summed it up perfectly. I thought there might be a mixture of whether it was my fault or theirs, and is so comforting have read all the comments.
it's made me think a lot about the guy who was involved with this, who I am friends now..we get on so well, but seems especially tainted now