Workaholic DH? Or just avoiding family?

[Isitmeorhim2]

My DH isn't taking his annual leave of 2 weeks owed to him up to Christmas as he claims it's too busy. He works for a national company. He will only take the bank holidays off at Christmas and leave me with the kids. I feel hurt he doesn't want to spend family time with us and will waste his holidays and give 2 weeks work for free to a company worth millions of pounds.

If I raise it with him he flounces off. This obviously isn't the first time he has prioritised his job over us. I also work 4 days a week but I can wfh, he did wfh during the first lockdown but suddenly now can't. I'm tired of feeling like a single parent and feel like if he does this our marriage is really on the rocks.

How can I get him to see my point of view? I feel like maybe I need solo counselling as he makes me feel ridiculous. One of my dc has severe disabilities so it's not easy being the one holding the fort constantly.

OP, that's rubbish. There's 2 problems here. Firstly he apparently prioritises work over family time. Secondly the flouncing and belittling.

I don't know what solo counseling would offer in this situation. I guess it gives you the space to review your options.

So sorry you are in this situation. What a pathetic excuse for a man unilaterally opting out of his domestic responsibilities and then making you feel ridiculous when you raise it.

Tell him straight out that if you leave him, he will need all his annual leave and probably need to go part-time when he gets 50/50 custody of his disabled child. He's not a workaholic; work is the easy option.

I have this here too, i was told he had no holidays left when I was struggling with mid term yet he took a half day last week to meet a pal.

I conicendentally have a child with SN too. I know its avoidance. I've wanted him to get counselling for quite a while.

No help, I'll be interested in replies

Are you sure he will be working and he's not taking leave while pretending to work? I know that seems like a stretch but I cannot imagine anyone preferring to work over taking leave they are entitled to.

Thanks for the replies.

It is hard to believe he would prefer to work than take his entitled holidays but that's how it is. Well he will say something dramatic like if I take my holidays I will lose my job, so I call his bluff and say I'm happy to ring HR at head office and tell them the pressure he is under if he feels that way. and to try to get help. That then makes him flounce.

It's just this is it, suck it up. If I don't suck it up he gets angry and basically gives me the silent treatment apart from things to do with the kids.

He definitely isn't going to be not working. It's like some kind of complex. Even on days he says he will be home " early " at 5.30 he never makes it.

I've been on mortgage calculators and right move, just to see what I could get alone. I can't believe we are beneath the shit company he works for.

I do pretty much everything at the moment anyway, but spend a lot of time resenting him for stuff he doesn't do. :(

Has anyone tried solo counselling with Relate ? He's said before when our marriage was at rock bottom last year that he wouldn't go.

I feel like I would love someone to listen to the issues we have and for them to agree at least some of the time that I have a right to feel a certain way. That I shouldn't just keep everything hidden away because he can't deal with any disagreement on how things should be. I

Interesting.. I have two with SEN and I also do it all.. H far too busy to help ever! 🙄 it's always been this way, I tried every trick to get him to do more. I actually given up now.

My DH is like this. No SN with the DC though. He is just obsessed with work.

Are you taking leave over Christmas? I had to use all of mine up over the summer as I couldn't get a holiday club place until August and I took leave in the first lockdown because I couldn't cope with the DC and my workload - I took two days a week off so that I could spread my work out.
DH took one day in that time because I had something I had to go into the office for one day - he refused to help me with childcare. In the end his HR forced him to have two weeks off (I think it is called mandatory time away) and even then he was catching up on CPD (and conveniently, this break fell just as the DC went back to school).
Anyway, this means he is going to have to take at least a week off with the DC (we are in a bubble with his mum but she insists that we self isolate for two weeks before we see her) as they can't go to holiday club if we want to see his mum for Christmas. He did a lot of nodding and agreeing when we were at his mum's house over half term but now, three weeks away, he now can't do one day and will have to be on a couple of calls on another... I am leaving him to deal with it.

I have been going into work but he has been WFH (some of my work I have to do in the office but he goes crazy if I am on a zoom call and his wifi slows down so now I just go to the office) and so I am just going to go in anyway and let him work it out (like I had to during lockdown), I won't even remind him - I will just go into work.

He has 3 weeks left to take and can carry one week into the first quarter of next year. I imagine he won't take all of it.

I have challenged him a number of times but he always claims he has to work this hard or he will be sacked.

It is interesting little miss isnt it!

We should be going for marriage counselling but impossible online, I hate it. I took a different approach 2 months ago and basically said he was missing out on so much with the kids, I didnt mention me at all (I just felt rage at him doing fuck all but grinned and bared it) he admitted to feeling very low. After pushing again he went to his GP 2 weeks later and was put on sertraline. His form is much better and there has been a marked improvement in him mucking in. He even took all the kids out (twice but better than nothing) I know he is having a bad day today so has disappeared.

I dont know, I will give it some more time but im not putting up with this shite for much longer. I dont want to end up in my old age looking after SN child by myself as he wont know how to do it' as he makes fuck all effort

I’ve done solo counselling at relate about 20 years ago. It really helped. Later we did counselling together and my husband was upset to learn that I’d been on my own previously. He saw it as a form of betrayal. I asked him to acknowledge that he’d refused to go with me and to consider what I must have been feeling to get the courage to go on my own. We got through it. 31st wedding anniversary just passed, we’ve worked our way through a lot...

You and your dc are not his priority. Not sure what you can do here.

Forget counseling set up an appointment with a divorce attorney. There's no way on god's green earth I'd tolerate being ditched over the holidays with my special needs child. I'd tell him he's going to be taking his annual leave when he's got the children 50/50 or he can make plans to live in a hovel paying child support and alimony

@EKGEMS

Forget counseling set up an appointment with a divorce attorney. There's no way on god's green earth I'd tolerate being ditched over the holidays with my special needs child. I'd tell him he's going to be taking his annual leave when he's got the children 50/50 or he can make plans to live in a hovel paying child support and alimony

I would do as above but also tell repeat that you are going to his HR company, thst it is disgraceful that they won't allow a man with a SEN child to take his legal holidays.

Tell him not to worry that you will nake a fuss for him.

See how he feels about his company knowing EXACTLY who he is.

What a selfish prick.

You're a single parent with nine of the benefits of being single. In you position it sounds like he brings nothing to the table relationship wise.

In your shoes I'd be visiting a solicitor and starting divorce proceedings

We had a crappy weekend with a weird atmosphere. He hasn't apologised or mentioned it.

I'm keeping quiet and playing a long game and seeing what transpires. I'm not promoting him or begging for him to want to spend time with us.

If he fails to take his holidays then our marriage is basically over isn't it. There's more to life than this, I would rather be alone and have less money, than be in this shitty situation.

It should never have got to the stage, planning holidays throughout the year is not difficult, and you would have had some respite/assistance with your DC a lot sooner.

Holidays are in any case a legal entitlement, and have been since the 1930s. You may recall the thread a couple of weeks ago about the nasty retail warehouse manager who was refusing all holiday requests.

I know it's a legal requirement, he will just belittle me and say I don't know what it's like.

It's a strange life that's for sure.

I've read it often on here that if you're doing it all anyway it is far easier to do it all on your own and for yourself rather than carrying the resentment of somebody who could help but chooses not to.
There's also the example that you (as a couple) set to your children of what life/ marriage is life - this isn't what you want for them is it?

My dh used to be like this, before I met him. He openly admits that his attitude towards work is what ruined his first marriage. But also admits that work was more important to him than his marriage at that time.

He'd work long hours, then work at home and work some more, wouldn't take holidays. He had this odd love/hate relationship with work, but it became his first, and only priority.

It ended for him when he was made redundant and started up his own business, where he was then even busier but his enthusiasm started to wain. By the time he was in his mid 50s he didn't want that life anymore, was burnt out and he's been driving a lorry for the past 4 years and loves it. His hours are still way too long 70+ a week, but he goes in early to ensure he's back for tea and family life. It wasn't me that changed that tho, he had to want it himself.

OP that is so sad. He clearly doesn't know what it is like for you either.

Prompted a little by this thread DH and I had a proper talk about Christmas arrangements - I had the planner out where I marked all of my holidays and his. He has completely agreed he needs to take annual leave over Christmas (and even suggested I use my one remaining day when the DC are at school to get my hair done and finish Christmas shopping which is unheard of!). Have you tried to show in him in a non confrontational way? I think it helped having the visual of this is how I have used my leave, this is what we need to cover and what are you going to do about it?!?

Whether it actually happens is another matter.....