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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Aibu to want a family occassion to be about me for once?

27 replies

TimeIhadaNameChange · 21/11/2020 13:33

This will probably sound pathetic, but after lying in bed awake upset about this once again, I thought I'd put it down here.

I have a much older sibling who has been jealous of me since I was born. Understandable, maybe, but it's got worse over the last 40 years, not better, and out mother (only living oarent) has pandered to this for the last 20.

It occurred to me in the middle of the night that I can never have a birthday party with my family there, let alone anything like a wedding. I was thinking about my 40th next year, and how nice it would be (Covid allowing) to have a wee get together with the friends who still live near my mother. But then I realised it wouldn't be my birthday party, it would end up being my sister's party that just happened to take place near my birthday. She can't bear for me to be the centre of attention and would take the party over and dominate, leaving me feeling miserable in the corner. If I'd tried that at her 40th (10 years ago) I'd have been slaughtered. Yet i'd be expected to suck it up and not complain, as saying anything to her would upset her, and saying anything to my mother would upset her. The fact that this would upset me just gets ignored.

(Despite having graduated twice, and married, before I graduated once she threw two tantrums at my graduation as she wasn't in the centre of the family photograph (because I was) and she hadn't chosen the restaurant we ate at.)

Am I allowed to be sad about this or should I just accept that this is what she's like which is what my mother expects me to do?

OP posts:
TwylaSands · 21/11/2020 13:35

Arrange the party. Invite her a week before.

Harmarsuperstar · 21/11/2020 13:37

Don't invite her? Don't tell her about it and don't put it on social media

Bunnymumy · 21/11/2020 13:38

No. You just dont invite her.
Make it a friends only do. She doesnt even need to know about it.

In future at family occasions if she kicks off, dont be slow to leave. Tbh, I'd probably go low contact with her. You're an adult now, you dont need to tolerate her shit.

Original poster
TimeIhadaNameChange · 21/11/2020 13:38

That would mean not saying anything to my mother before then (as 'I have to tell her, she's your sister') and asking everyone to keep it quiet, which I doubt would work (as most of my friends down there are family friends). Plus even if she got a last-minute invitation she'd still dominate the party. She's one of these people who manages to get everyone's attention.

OP posts:
barbrahunter · 21/11/2020 13:41

Why is your sister jealous of you, OP?

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 21/11/2020 13:41

Invite her..
But..
Write Fancy Dress Party in her invite only..
Well she likes being the centre of attention...
And enjoy.

Bunnymumy · 21/11/2020 13:43

You say it's a friends only thing. It doesnt matter if your mum tells her. You just say 'sorry but it's a friends only night out, it would be weird if family came'. She isnt invited, simple as.

Chamomileteaplease · 21/11/2020 13:43

What about the friends you have where you live now?

Make it a party for your current life, not the friends you used to have.

And do not invite her. Nor tell your mother about it until afterwards.

Original poster
TimeIhadaNameChange · 21/11/2020 13:45

The problem is not inviting her means not inviting my mother. Which is fine and is what I tend to do, but then it means I don't have any of my family there. I did manage not to invite her to my second graduation, only because I lied to my mother that I could only get one ticket. I'd have no such excuse for a party, and would just hear a variant of my mother's favourite response, in this case 'you have to invite her, she's your sister'.

I am basically NC with her. The problem is that my mother's in a tough position between us and is scared of her, so will appease her. She finds it's too hard to accept that these decisions might hurt me, so doesn't process my emotion at all (which I know sounds strange but is the only way I can describe it).

There's no real answer, I can't do something with my mother (even visit her, it seems now) without my sister being involved, and if she's involved everything has to revolve around her. I'm grateful to hear that I am allowed to want to have something about me, though, even if I'll never get that in this case.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 21/11/2020 13:47

You could have the best 40th with a big party, getting pissed and telling her off good! Grin

or like a PP suggested, state to her only that it's a costume party.

She'll keep doing it as long as you let her.

Do you have a partner or friend who will stand up for you?

Chamomileteaplease · 21/11/2020 13:49

Sorry, I just reread your post and saw the title that you want a family occasion.

It looks like until your mother changes her behaviour then you won't be able to escape this horrible situation.

Does your sister have a family/job/nice life?

Can you really not visit your mother without her letting your sister know?

If you look your mother in the eyes and say "mother, I really really want to go out for lunch with you. Just you. I do not want Sally to come. I would like to spend some time just the two of us." What does she say?

When she says "but she's your sister", do you say " Yes but I don't care, we don't get on. I do not enjoy her company." I would like to see you on your own.

YoniAndGuy · 21/11/2020 13:49

Go to stay, a week or two weeks before your birthday.

Arrange the do with your friends and swear to secrecy.

Take your mum along to 'see X for an hour' and ta-dah! Surprise party.

Mum: 'Where is Petronella - why not here - did you tell her'

You: 'No, because I wanted for once in my life to enjoy a celebration for my birthday which wasn't completely dominated by her. And so did my friends.'

canigooutyet · 21/11/2020 13:51

How does she make it all about her and what she wants when it's your mates and you organising it?
How does she manage to take control so much of the conversation that pushes you out so much?

Original poster
TimeIhadaNameChange · 21/11/2020 13:51

@barbrahunter: where do I start?

  • the fact position as an only child came to an end after ten years
  • the fact that mum was in hospital for a month around my birth (and thus not with her)
  • the fact that after she went to university it was just me and mum at home together (and we weren't supposed to do anything when she was away)
  • she gets jealous any time I do anything she hasn't, or go anywhere she hasn't been
  • she's jealous of my academic success, despite her having multiple degrees of her own
  • she's jealous of all and every friendship I have, despite her having many friends of her own
  • she's jealous of my close friendship with a male friend (though we're not in a relationship), despite being married for twenty years

There's probably more. The stupid thing is that on paper she has the better life (happy marriage, career, money).

OP posts:
YoniAndGuy · 21/11/2020 13:52

Honestly from your last post I think it's worth a conversation with your mother where you tell her her choice is soon going to be her either being prepared to give you at least some time together alone without being forced to have it dominated by someone who is rude, pushy and unpleasant, or losing you altogether... and any future family you might have.

Bunnymumy · 21/11/2020 13:52

I'd literally just tell her to fuck off. You visit your mum and she turns up and starts drama? 'Fuck off'.

Your mum is an enabler. She can accept you want nothing to do with your sister or not but she doesnt get to dictate to you that you need to be ok with your sisters shit anymore. Infact I'd make it clear to her that you'll only be meeting her without your sister there in future. If sister shows up,you leave.

You gotta start putting your foot down. And if mum cant respect your boundaries, then go low contact with her too.

MyMistakeToMake · 21/11/2020 13:53

@Harmarsuperstar

Don't invite her? Don't tell her about it and don't put it on social media
Don't invite her? Don't tell her about it. Post it afterwards on SM!!
Knittedfairies · 21/11/2020 13:54

If you do end up inviting her, tell your friends what you've said here; she won't be the centre of attention if they ignore her. Enjoy your party🎉

YetAnotherSpartacus · 21/11/2020 13:55

I'm sorry OP. Your sister sounds like a right cunt (I've got one who is too), but I think your bigger problem is your Mother. I was very young when I realised this was true for me - my 'enabling' Mother was actually very much like my sister and supported her. Hate to say it, but I think you will need to go LC or NC with your Mum too.

It will be you who ends up doing the eldercare btw. I'd put money on it.

HeddaGarbled · 21/11/2020 13:58

You can’t change your sister’s behaviour but you can change the way you react to it. Why would you be miserable in the corner, just because she’s showing off? Wouldn’t you just carry on talking to people and enjoying yourself?

I can see that at the graduation she was a pain, because there weren’t many people there so her behaviour had more impact. But at a party, she can do her thing with her victims and you can enjoy yourself with your friends.

mbosnz · 21/11/2020 14:18

I have a family member who was incredibly consistent at having a tanty and stropping off, any time there was any risk of her being asked to do dishes, or clear the kitchen. This got stopped in its tracks one night, when I cracked up laughing and stated exactly what she was doing and how often she did it. . .

I'd be tempted to try the same behaviour on your idiotic, immature, juvenile self centred narcisstic (sp) spoiled brat of sister. And if your mother fussed, to do the same to her.

Bluntness100 · 21/11/2020 14:21

It sounds like you and your sister have a very dysfunctional relationship. You clearly don’t like her, and she’s envious of you but it’s not apparent why she is. What she’s envious of is listed, but not why. Are you sure it’s envy and not she just doesn’t like you like you don’t like her?

Chloemol · 21/11/2020 14:24

So invite your friends for xx time and your mother and sister a couple of hours later. That way you get time with your friends, are the centre of attention, then when she arrives she can take over as normal ( and the others will then see just how bad she is)

Supereager · 21/11/2020 14:36

Organise your party for you and tell your mother that she’s invited but your sister is NOT. State that you don’t like her and you don’t want her there. You’re 40, not 4. Time to put your foot down

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 21/11/2020 14:56

Maybe some blame lies with your dm...
She has led The Golden One to the pedestal she sits on now..