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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to get past this

15 replies

IdaArnold · 21/11/2020 10:22

Namechanged for this as it’s not something I ever want RL people to know. I’m asking for the help of the wise women on here who’ve maybe experienced something similar. I’m late forties, separated, 2 kids, successful career that I enjoy, lots of good friends. I would be happy but for this one thing.

I’ve developed strong feelings for a married colleague. I’m embarrassed to even say it because it’s such a shit cliche. Crying as a write this. I know I should give my head a shake and move on but I’ve been trying to do that for over a year and it’s getting worse not better. I can’t change jobs because we work in a really niche field and it would be extremely difficult to find a similar role, plus I’d almost certainly have to relocate, probably abroad. I can’t do that as kids are settled, and ex-H has them 50:50. I can’t take a pay cut as need to pay mortgage.

We work quite closely together, I’m senior to him and a few years older. Some days I feel strong enough to cope with it, but others I cry my heart out on the drive home because I can’t express how much I love him.

Please don’t flame me for this, I would absolutely not have an affair with a married man. That is a line I would not cross. I would lose my self-respect, my friends and my job.

My life feels blocked and I really want to be able to live. Lockdown doesn’t help with that of course. I’ve joined an OLD site but barely anyone catches my eye. Before this lockdown I went on a couple of dates but I didn’t want a second date, my heart just isn’t in it because they’re not him. He is so perfect for me and I love him with all my heart. Apart from the fact that he’s married and a colleague. Why is life so fucking cruel?

Please help me take steps to get past this because I feel stuck in a limbo of misery.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 21/11/2020 11:02

I think a lot of people would dismiss your feelings as a crush but they could be very real indeed.

If I were you, I would accept the feelings...accept them for what they are. A hopeless, unfortunate happening...and try to put your energy into something else. It will pass.

Original poster
IdaArnold · 21/11/2020 17:21

Thank-you Fortunes. If it was just a crush I could deal with it. I’m too long in the tooth to be bothered by something like that. And aren’t crushes supposed to be fun. This is definitely not fun.

OP posts:
Original poster
IdaArnold · 21/11/2020 17:22

Has anyone else experienced this? What did you do?

OP posts:
MrsGrindah · 21/11/2020 17:31

Why do you say it’s not a crush? It doesn’t matter what you call it, the end result is the same . You can’t have him.

All intense feelings fade over time. Distract yourself as much as you can .Channel your energies elsewhere. I think you need to give yourself some tough love and change your inner narrative from “ He’s perfect etc” to “ My feelings are misplaced and inappropriate. He’s a colleague “.

I know that’s easy to say but I really think that’s all you can do if you have to keep working with him.

Original poster
IdaArnold · 21/11/2020 17:33

Thank-you, that makes a lot of sense:

OP posts:
ReneeRol · 21/11/2020 17:36

You're not in love, that requires a mutual relationship, you're not in a relationship with him. You have an intense crush because you're lonely and spending a lot of time with him.

You're projecting your desires for a relationship and intimacy on a man who's attractive and in your space. It's not real.

In reality, he probably has zero interest in either an affair with you and if he was single, probably wouldn't be interested either. If he's younger than you, his wife likely is too and so would the competition if he ever found himself single.

The best thing you can do is focus on other areas of your life; fitness or a hobby. Be the best you can be. Live your life, meet new people and you might meet someone who's available and interested.

ABCDay · 21/11/2020 17:39

He's not perfect. His shit stinks, his morning breath is fowl, he picks his nose and wipes it under the seat. He's horrible to his wife. You only see the man he wants you to see. It will pass, OP Flowers

YetAnotherChicken · 21/11/2020 17:41

Yes I have been in a similar situation, it was awful.

Fortunately I was in a position to be able to cut contact, but that caused me a lot of anguish. My feelings were raw for a long time but got less over time. 15 years later I still think about him from time to time, but more in a fond sort of way than anything else.

Sorry I can't offer any constructive advice as absolutely the best thing to do would be to cut contact but doesn't sound like it's possible for you. I totally sympathise though

Alys20 · 21/11/2020 18:46

"my life feels blocked and I really want to be able to live". Been there op, the answer is in you not in him.

So live. You're projecting onto him something that you want, that's lacking in yourself. An RL relationship with him would just give you a whole set of new problems.

Blahblahblahzz · 21/11/2020 19:32

You have a gap in your life and are filling it with fantasises of him. It’s tough atm given lockdown, but I’d look into a variety of apps - just see who’s out there, chat to people. See it as a bit of fun (this is hard, I know). When lockdown is over get out and about, do what you want to do. You will fill the gap. Google limerence too.

Original poster
IdaArnold · 21/11/2020 19:44

Thanks for the replies and good advice. I am trying to put my energy into other things, find stuff I enjoy and meet new people. I’ve joined some Meetup groups. It’s hard in lockdown though.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 21/11/2020 19:48

You really need to stop thinking about moving and leaving that job etc. Once you have a busier social life you won't attach as much importance to this man. Besides, you're senior to him, a bit older than him and quite frankly you only see the side of him that he chooses to show you at work. Find something else to focus on - develop hobbies, call your friends, go for long walks, but don't fixate on him.

Mistystar99 · 21/11/2020 20:04

Can't you turn it on it's head and see it as a positive? Instead of a cause of misery, see a sweetness of an unrequited crush that is private and safe and harmless yet lovely? Why beat yourself up? You know it can't happen, but it doesn't have to be miserable.

FortunesFave · 21/11/2020 22:21

You're not in love, that requires a mutual relationship

That's not true. If you know someone, then there's a relationship of sorts...and one person can indeed fall in love with the other.

looop · 22/11/2020 08:50

You’re not in love, that requires a mutual relationship.
I’m sorry but that’s not true. I mirror what FortunesFave has said to you. Accept it.
An unfortunate happening. Perfectly put. You have my empathy, I have just come out of this situation myself. And it only came to an end, because he left for better things. But that was after two years of working together and dealing with ‘feelings’.
You know you’re not going to act on it. You don’t know what his feelings are towards you, and that’s fine.
I know how awful it can feel, but as PP’s have also said; try and enjoy it for what it is. You obviously get on well, enjoy working with him - that’s a good thing. Certainly makes for the working day to go a little quicker 😊

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