Dilemma !!

[MommaJH]

I have took a leap of faith and finally left my 2nd husband after 12yrs. Very aggressive man very clever very manipulating and I just didn’t see it.
I married him to show my love and that would be there to look after him with his chronic illness.
He became more controlling in the manner I couldn’t use my phone when he in room as I was ignoring him, and we would argue badly about it, bit weird as he was on his phone too! Anyways a lot of volatile arguments and abuse over the years.
I’m very submissive and placid, and I always managed to cry and pick myself back up ,apologise to him and love him more.
So I finally up and left.(with the help of my kids).
I still love him. Not in love passionately but I never got that anyway! Just being around him I miss. He drove me insane on a daily basis I never wanted him to come home, I didn’t get butterflies I got bricks in my tummy.
So why do I miss him? Why do I just wanna run back and check he okay?
What the hell is wrong with me? He was a real nasty man especially after a drink.

The person you miss isn’t who he is though is it? The person you miss is how he decided he would behave towards you.
It’s quite natural to grieve the end of any relationship. It’s a huge change in your life and you need space and time to come to terms with it. Don’t reach out to him, it will just set you back. Look forward and focus on what you want and where you want to be in the future.
I’m sure you don’t miss being on egg shells when he’d been drinking etc. That’s who he really is.
It does get easier, quite quickly in my case. Keep yourself busy and keep in touch with your friends and family. They’ll be so happy that you’ve taken this brave step. And we’ll done for getting out

I think you miss him as it’s a habit and you’re used to him being there. Also you had your vision of what the marriage could become and you remember the good times. I still occasionally miss my DCs father even though he showed many times that he had no love for me. I kind of remember back to the happy days when we were first together and I miss that.

It's probably trauma-bonding created by the abuse.

Also these sorts of relationships, there's a lot of guilt misplaced, you're constantly told you're wrong, you owe them, your feelings don't matter, (even if not in words or explicitly) - and when you do leave, that dynamic and emotions doesn't just vanish. You have to unlearn it. And if your day is no longer revolving what he wants / how he might react, it might be quite overwhelming and lonely to just be able to do what you want or be yourself.

But it's just aftermath stuff to get through emotionally, and will reduce and get better. Stay out of contact with him, and stay away, give yourself a chance to get used to your new life.

It's normal to feel like this after leaving abuse. It fades.

The reasons are varied and complex:

• There's the person you thought he was.
• The person he pretended to be in between the abuse.
• The person you hoped to share a future with.
• Your hopes and dreams for the future relationship.
• Trauma bonding.
• Familiarity - our brain adjusts to being in an abusive situation and finds it confusing and unsettling to leave it behind, which can leave us craving the familiar "comfort" of the abusive situation we were used to.
• The sense of meaning you took from trying to rescue him.
• any emotional manipulation he used to make you feel guilty or responsible for him / his behaviour.

Give yourself time and compassion. There are things for you to grieve and that's ok. (We grieve many, many things when they end even if they weren't great things - humans form attachments to our normal).

Have you done the Freedom Programme course? Might help you make sense of your feelings a bit more as they are very normal.

And/Or therapy with someone who understands abuse and trauma. Especially if you need to reset your boundaries about what's healthy in relationships, boundaries around trying to rescue people, your feelings about yourself etc.

Just remember these are normal feelings, they're normal after leaving abuse, and they will fade away as you re-adjust to living in safety and peace.

I’m very submissive and placid, and I always managed to cry and pick myself back up ,apologise to him and love him more.

This for example would be a good thing for a therapist to help you address so you can live a safer, happier, healthier life.

The more distance you get the more you'll see his true colours - good luck, find an equal, not a prison guard

Thankyou all for your responses! It’s very confusing having these emotions. I just need realise why I left and keep remembering that.
And I think I will look up some therapy courses too. Work on my weaknesses.