Single and 37, how to boost my chances

[Clara2000]

Recently single, 37. Time wasted by men who had no intention of settling down with me. Time wasted by me in being passive and hoping I was wrong. I want a committed relationship and I want children, I always have. I don’t want them by a donor, I want them to be a product of a loving relationship. Any tips on how to help myself along? I’m in an area with very strict lockdown rules so can’t get out much. I have researched egg freezing but for various reasons have decided against it. I’d also love some positive stories of people who married/conceived naturally later in life? I’ve just read another thread on here full of ‘left it too late’ stories and it’s really affected me this morning
I want to be proactive at this point, rather than feel sorry for myself any longer.

Firstly, big socially distanced hug secondly, the only thing I will say is don't settle no matter how desperate you feel. I was where you are when I was 29, panicked and settled for someone who appeared to be a nice bloke but I've realised recently has undiagnosed ASD. I had my two amazing boys but I also had 12 years of the coldest, cruellest, sexless marriage and I'm so screwed up now its untrue. It was actually my therapist that suggested that ex dh might have ASD based on the lack of affection, sex and birthday presents! Please don't be me . I know exactly how you feel but believe me getting it wrong is a whole different hell. Good luck x

Big hugs, @Clara2000! I know a lot of women in your shoes... including my best mate who is 35. I feel differently from @TheSnootiestFox only because I got married young and had my two DCs and had a mostly happy marriage for 10 years (together for 12) till my ex left. Though the first couple of years after he left were the most difficult of my life, I also used that chance to make my own life better and happy. I had kind of lost myself in that marriage and partnership... so it’s not all hearts and roses...

My DCs are now 11 and 12, ex and I parent amazingly well. He is re-married with a baby. I am 44 and recently fell head over heels in a way I never imagined for someone I met when lockdown eased after the first time... In some ways, I am glad children are no longer a factor in my current relationship so I am glad I had them.

I always tell women who are childless not by choice to work out what is more important to them - having biological children or having a meaningful relationship. The opportunity to have biological children is only for a limited time while I think you can meet someone special at any age... that’s my view anyway. While I can also understand why you don’t want to bring children into the world when you are not in a relationship... There’s no easy answer!

My friend who is single is still dating (socially distanced in a park though it’s harder in the cold!). My boyfriend and I are bubbling now but we still make an effort to go out and do stuff so we recently did a Christmas lights walk. There are still date stuff you can do in lockdown... I have also heard of people who started dating and then moved in when lockdown happened... I think meeting someone special is as much luck as anything else. You just have to keep trying. Good luck!

Hey OP, I'm in a similar position. I'm hoping to boost my chances by moving to a big city, tackling my anxious attachment through counselling/self help books & losing some weight so I feel more confident. I've also started reading a book called, "It starts with the egg," which helps women ensure their egg quality is as good as it can be. I've been told to approach dating like looking for a job i.e. don't become discouraged if you don't get the first one, send off multiple "applications" etc. This has obviously been a very challenging time to start dating but I'm hoping once I've moved and feel ready, to take a very proactive approach. Hope that gives you some ideas!

Hey OP I found myself single at 37, cancelled wedding, sad, angry at having wasted 10 years of my life, angry at him for wasting my time etc! I took a little while to heal - therapy helped massively - then delved into online dating - I know it’s not for everyone though I have no idea how anyone would meet someone these days organically, especially during lockdown! But to give you hope I did meet someone else, we live together (marriage not really on the agenda for me right now as probably still a bit scarred from the dream wedding that never was) and we had a baby naturally - gave birth just before I turned 40, so it can happen x keep the faith!

@Fullmoonparty no qualms about online dating here, it’s the only way these days! I may start a profile this evening. I’m so glad you found someone and had a baby x

@TwoBoysTooMany76 meaningful relationship definitely trumped biological children. The children will grow up and leave, the lout you chose to have them with you’ll have to put up with! I’m hoping it’s not too late and that I can find both.

@Poppins88 good luck! I hope it all works out for you

@TheSnootiestFox so sorry for all you’ve been through. I often wonder how many couples are only together because they panicked in their 30s. I hope not to make that mistake.

@Fullmoonparty Aww this is really inspiring and just what I needed to hear this morning, thank you for sharing :)

I met DH at 37.

We were both working overseas so a smaller pond to fish in so to speak. I think that helps a bit.

We belonged to the same hiking club which is how we met - shared interests.

I think since we were both a bit older, we knew what we wanted so no messing around.

Married at 39.

@Poppins88 @Clara2000 ahh thank you both, and it’s not just me I actually have three friends who met someone late thirties, one married (they don’t want kids), one engaged (TTC) and the other married with a now 7 year old! Also have a friend who got divorced at 36 and just met someone else and hoping to try for kids as soon as their housebuy completes. So it defo happens more often than you think

@Clara2000 You sound sure of what you want so good on you! I would concentrate on dating then... And cast your net wide. When lockdown eased in June, I was talking to many men and at one stage, was dating four! (In total, I probably ended on about 6-7 first dates...) It was tricky! But they all fell wayside at some stage - not enough chemistry, they liked me, I did not like them blah blah blah... I ended up dating two quite seriously in the end. And my current boyfriend is so the opposite of what I would have gone for normally but we are also kind of perfect for each other... My friend was just saying last night I can’t believe you ended up with a lockdown boyfriend. I can’t either. Ha ha!

So good luck with the online dating and persevere... it only takes one and that’s what I kept telling myself when I came up against brick walls... or rather, another man that fell wayside...