Husband depressed and said he doesn’t love me

[Kell148]

Hi my husband broke down a fortnight ago saying he was feeling really sad / low didn’t know why and thinking it might be deperession . He had a commitment that night in town and said he was going to talk about it with a mate . He return was quite and not like his usual self , by the weekend he brokedown again saying he didn’t think he loved me anymore , we have been married for 20 years and have two kids . I broke down , I am hurt and struggling to understand . He said he had been feel like this for a little while but made no indication to me or others , even in the bedroom nothing had changed we were still making love a week before he told me . I feel used , if he had these feelings why was he still doing that with me and being the one to start it most of the time ?? Once he had told me he didn’t love me he move to another room to sleep as I am hurt and he would make comments that would question how he is feeling like “ ok I am off to bed but I know where I would rather be “ . He moved out yesterday to his mums who is not far away as he said he can’t do this it feel too awkward . I am shatteRed: I am scared what ever this mate said he took on board as his issues if that makes sense as he said his mate has been in a similar circumstance. , he did say he was upset with me for not realising , but his behaviour has been so Normal to even pick up on thisI just feel like he has put a wall straight up , he is not willing to work on anything together to him he just doesn't love me anymore , it's like a light switch was flicked and that is his answer . He has always been such a loving devote husband I am just lost .

@RedTitsMcGinty

Yep. Classic. ExDH pulled this shit on me. Kept it going for a couple of months before I found out about the OW (who had been there at the start of his “depression”). It wasn’t depression, it was him feeling guilty about cheating and angry that he wasn’t able to do what he wanted, and then channeling that guilt and anger into blaming his marriage.

This exact thing happened to me too, although we stayed together and made a go of it. He claimed for five years he had just been depressed and there was no OW, I only found out recently in the fallout from discovering his prostitute habit. I’m really sorry you’re having to go through this OP, don’t let him make you blame yourself or start second guessing everything you thought you knew about your relationship. He’s the one who’s destroyed it. Stay strong

I'm sorry op, but your husband is cheating. It's time to take off the blinders.

I am shocked you were supposed to be a mind reader. That is really unfair.
Do you believe that he needs time alone or away from you? Any clues as to what he is running away from?
It all sounds horrible and upsetting.

I agree with everyone that there's likely to be another woman. Where was he the couple of hours before the supplier's event, and after it? Was he staying in a hotel?

Playing the depression card is classic. It excuses their shitty treatment of their wife and compels the wife to be kind and supportive while they go through their 'turmoil'. Sorry OP but cherchez la femme.

Quite often the depression comes from him living an unauthentic life for a while.

This is what happened in my marriage - I'm so glad you can see that too, @litterbird.

Sorry but he is cheating - I’m so sorry -I know you don’t want to admit it to yourself but it’s very obvious xx Get your paperwork sorted and get some legal advice.

So, I've been your husband here. I have a history of depression, and about 4 years ago, before DH and i were even engaged, i had a very low ebb that manifested itself absolutely differently to any other episode before.

Instead of feeling sad, i just felt hugely detached. I was convinced i didnt love my boyfriend anymore, i used to lie awake at night staring at him asleep next to me trying desperately to remember what it felt like when we first met.

Gradually the detachment got worse, and spread, until i felt like i didn't love my friends, or my sister, and at that point i realised something was wrong. I went to the GP, went back on antidepressants and recovered.

DH and i are now married with a baby, perfectly happy. I didn't tell him how i was feeling at the time, but did afterwards.

Another one who believes there is an OW. My exH claimed depression and he didn’t have an OW. He had an OM, and lots of other OMs.

Well, either he is deeply mentally depressed and needs treatment (but I don't see that that means he walks out on his kids and lives elsewhere because OBVIOUSLY he could go through treatment with you and the kids there) or he is making a get out clause so he can end his relationship with you as he wants to move in with the new woman.

I can't get by walking out on his kids like that. Ok he claims he is finding it difficult to be with you but OMG you don't just leave your kids with no warning.

I would speak to a solicitor and get your finances sorted so you know what a future without him would be (but there is no need for anyone else to know you've done this) so then you are not thrashing around in fear of the future dealing with everything on your own. And also I would make sure he still sees his DCs at his DPs, they are 50% his responsibility, you shouldn't just take on full responibility for everything - it makes it too easy for him to leave.

I think you are far away from being able to believe, or accept that there is likely another woman. For your own sake, don't fall into the drama of his "depression". Stay detached, find your anger that he walked out on his DC. Save your sympathy and compassion for yourself. When more comes out, have you real life support in place.

Same here, identical wording, found out a few months after the speech that there was an OW. Another vote for the script.

Do you know the mate? Is is highly unusual that another man would advise him to leave his wife and children after a short conversation. That is highly suspicious. He won't tell his parents the truth.

I know 2 men who left, pretended no OW, but a long time later OW appeared, they were always there in the background. The more they care about their reputation the more they will hide an infatuation. Even if it's not physical it's likely to be an emotional affair.

How is his self care? Is he going to work? Why such a rush to leave the family?

It is so sad how often this happens and I believe comes from emotional immaturity, a failure to process uncomfortable feelings (maybe related to boredom, aging etc) so when they meet someone who makes them feel "alive" they believe it must be destiny. What they don't realise is that the negative feelings will resurface but by that time they will be separated from their children and will be much poorer.