I really want my relationship to work. I know it's my behaviour causing it, but I dont know how to change it.
It's not like we argue all the time. It's not really even about arguments so much as just life and stressful situations. But things seem to get really out of hand and turn into an arguement. If we argue or I'm stressed or in a mood, I tend to withdraw from him. I have anxiety and sometimes it's not even about him, but I need space.
He says even when we're arguing he still wants me close, wants to hold me in bed at the end of the day. I dont want that. I cant handle that. I try to push him away and create some distance. He doesn't get why I push. He is the opposite. When we fight he pulls. If he feels me pushing away, he wants me closer. He tries to make things right through sex. Like- if we're physically close then we're ok.
He says it's a trigger for him when I push him away. I shut down and need space, dont want to talk. He panics. Tries to pull me closer, make me talk. That's not what I want. I feel smothered. I push harder. Until somewhere along the line he starts to pull me back. Lust takes over. We have sex, papering over the cracks. He thinks we're ok again, all is forgiven. But it's not ok. I'm unable to let things go like that. And he's left hurt that I pushed him away. He feels I'm not letting him in and therefore dont love/trust him enough. He gets insecure.
In challenging times we both need something from the other person that they are unable to give. So it escalates. The good times are amazing. The best. But these other times it feels like we're so wrong for each other. I want to be with him. I love him. I see that I'm ruining it all but I don't know how to stop it. I feel I just need space sometimes and for him to be ok with that.