Online chat karma

[Guiltywife]

So, to give a little background- DH and I have been together almost 20 years, married 5, most of those very happy. Early on, say 3 years in I discovered messages on his phone from a woman he worked with, I confronted, he grovelled, said he was stupid etc we got past it.

Several years and 3 DCs later we were in a rut my sex drive flatlined after PND and body image issues leaving DH feeling rejected and unwanted - this went on for 5-6 years them BOOM! One day my drive came back with a vengeance and DH couldn't keep up.

I found myself up late at night using chat sites to talk to other men... double standard I know. But it never dimmed my interest in DH and we were better than we'd been in years.

Nothing physical ever happened but I did have a pretty intense "online affair" with another married man for 9 months which ended abruptly and really knocked me for 6, I have backed way off the chat since

Cut to this week I see a chat notification from another female coworker on his phone... I brushed this off trying not to be suspicious then next day I hear a chat notification from a chat site I used... he abruptly turned his phone down and didn't look at me. I logged on later and found him on it... serious sinking feeling. Now I'm wondering did he discover the site through snooping on me?? I can't bring it up as I have no moral high ground to take other than I did it because you couldn't keep up which is the world's worst excuse...

I chatted to him under a false profile and he claimed never to have made anything physical but did admit he chats a lot.

Not sure where to go with this... feels like looking at a stranger right now but also I understand how addictive and exciting it can be. Any similar experiences? All I've found are posts only about husbands chatting but never both. What a mess...

You were chatting to him from a fake profile? That's brilliant! 😂

I don't think chatting to strangers is cheating. Just don't give personal details because you never know who you're talking to if it's just text. His other chats could be 600lb former truckers named Bill pretending to be a hot woman.

I think it's best to say nothing and focus on the relationship. Forgive him and yourself and focus on rebuilding something that's real.

Yeah @ReneeRol I really have no leg to stand on from a point of disapproval.. and nothing he said made me feel gross about him..

The texts from the woman he worked with are still a concern tho, I can't see him being ok with me texting a male colleague... especially one I dont work with any longer so have no work talk to do. Keeping my beady eye on him 😂

I don't know.... you've put this behind you but he is actively looking elsewhere iykwim. I wouldn't leave it, I'd pull him up and blame the familiar noise on a mates participation on the site. He has form.

I appreciate however that this is difficult because you feel guilty. How long ago was this online thing you had? Why did it end? Have you been actively trying to work on your relationship? Something needs worked on, anyway.

Sorry I don't understand - both you and he are using this chat site, are you both using it to speak to people of the opposite sex in a flirty way?

Have you considered opening up your marriage if this isn't cheating in your book?

You're both looking around at other people and sexting them. Why not do it the more ethical way: do it with each other's agreement & knowledge, and perhaps even share it as an experience? You don't have to actually meet people if you don't want to go that far.

Currently you're both sneaking around and you think he spies on you, and you spy on him - that's really unhealthy.

@Thermo my concern with raising the issue is that I'm not entirely certain he didn't find out about the site from snooping on me... if I pull him up he could ask the same of me... or maybe I'm over thinking, its not a site I'd heard of before I went searching.

The online thing started last Oct and ended in Aug- I think he just got bored - it had fizzled a bit during lockdown.

I'm trying to be less reliant on my phone since, uninstalled apps blocked ppl, actually going straight to sleep instead of browsing and its helped. Im pretty surprised by him, its not like he's going without sex, if anything i'm the instigator but I do get that the new and unknown can be intoxicating. Overall I'm pretty mixed on the whole thing 🤯💬🤷‍♀️

@youvegottenminuteslynn yes same site, and I guess yes, flirtation. I certainly wasn't looking for anything physical, it was exciting to talk anonymously.

@category12 its crossed my mind but when the subject has come up by way of TV or movies he always points out that it seems like a really bad idea and he would feel too jealous to share me. What if I bring it up and he's horrified?

What if I bring it up and he's horrified?
Then he's a giant hypocrite?

How did you find him on the chat site if it’s anonymous? Which site is it ?
So you’re both secretly messaging each other ? Ha

I wonder if he's on a forum somewhere talking about how he's been secretly messaging his wife on some chat site and doesn't think she knows!

This is a weird one OP. It sounds to me very much like you want to be able to have flirty chats with other men online but would prefer if he didn't do the same with other women. If you're really honest with yourself - is that pretty much how you feel?

@category12 true 😂

@BetterthanIthink it doesn't require sign up, you just chose a username each time - you can change it any time, I saw the location he'd put and the username seemed apt, then chatting confirmed it by some of the things he said, definitely him.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Haha maybe he is! Nah I never give out real details on a site like that, I got more trusting of a couple of guys but still held loads back. I asked him if his "wife" knew he was chatting he said God nooooo....

It does kind of sound like a have your cake and eat it kind of stance bit no, I've not been using it for a while now. I genuinely am so confused about how to feel, years ago I would have been devastated but right now im just .... I don't know confused? I was using it to scratch an itch he couldn't reach, so why if he couldn't match my drive is he now seeking other entertainment on top?

It sounds like the site I go on 🤣

@Hesfamousforit ha probably is then

Is it full of weirdos lol I mean to the extreme! 🤣🤣

I'm not sure how you can feel you have any grounds to 'pull him up about it' in the first place, when it's exactly what you've been doing yourself.

Discuss it like adults, fine, but the language you are using betrays the fact that you don't seem to think you have done anything that merits censure, yet he has, and you'd be entitled to act like the aggrieved and injured party, which is hypocritical to say the least.

I think you either have to accept that if you think it's ok to flirt with men online because your husband can't keep up, then he's also within his rights to flirt with women due to your former complete lack of interest in sex, or, you come clean, admit what you've been up to and make it clear you know about his activities, then discuss between yourselves what you both do about it.

Sorry OP, I know you're confused emotionally about it all but it's very funny. Isn't there a film or something with a similar plot?

Maybe he's been looking for a situation where he doesn't feel under pressure to physically perform/please a woman? Maybe that's the attraction for him. Less pressure.

@Hesfamousforit oh chock full of complete freaks, that's kinda funny too

@Apileofballyhoo you're right, I do see the funny side... like, if it IS pure coincidence, then we're even more alike than I thought and the irony of it all is not lost on me lol.

[quote Guiltywife]@youvegottenminuteslynn

Haha maybe he is! Nah I never give out real details on a site like that, I got more trusting of a couple of guys but still held loads back. I asked him if his "wife" knew he was chatting he said God nooooo....

It does kind of sound like a have your cake and eat it kind of stance bit no, I've not been using it for a while now. I genuinely am so confused about how to feel, years ago I would have been devastated but right now im just .... I don't know confused? I was using it to scratch an itch he couldn't reach, so why if he couldn't match my drive is he now seeking other entertainment on top?[/quote]
He could be using it for a different reason though. Maybe he feels emotionally disconnected from you and wants to seek some attention elsewhere. Or maybe he wants escapism. I'm not saying that's right or justified at all, but I do think it's unfair of you to imply your reasons sort of 'make sense' so to speak and because his reasons might not be the same he's behaving worse than you did. And he's doing it at a different time yes and you say you stopped a while ago, but maybe he sort of stuck it out longer than you and just came to the same behaviour later than you. Again not justifying his behaviour as I wouldn't tolerate it, but I also wouldn't have done what you did either. It feels like both of you have had times where you aren't fully invested in the relationship for different reasons and just because that's resulted in him doing this later than you doesn't mean (IMO) that it isn't hypocritical for you to be annoyed he's doing it. Just my opinion. I think it's indicative that for whatever reason, probably different reasons to each other, you probably aren't compatible in different ways and won't have a happy, healthy and honest relationship with each other. You might be able to cope with that, I don't know, but many people wouldn't. I think it would be wrong to be resentful over it though - you need to come clean about your own previous similar behaviour and then you can both make an informed decision about staying together or not.