How do you know what is a dealbreaker?

[Melandri]

And what would end a relationship for you?

I’ve met a lovely man who’s very loving and affectionate, he’s loyal, has a great job and all the other good stuff.

But... He can be really quiet sometimes. I know that doesn’t sound like a big deal but I’ve come from a marriage where I used to be actively ignored and whilst the new man never ignores me, his quiet moods can unnerve me. He’s also very level, he seems pretty similar whether he’s happy, relaxed, stressed, or annoyed.
On the one hand it’s great because he never gets particularly moody or frustrated, but on the other I miss someone being truly joyous and outwardly happy.

He’s not depressed, just a very laid back Yorkshireman!

I’m sure these are things I should just get past, but I don’t really know how.

What have been your dealbreakers? Have you ever struggled with differences of displaying emotion/feeling?

Thanks everyone

This is a new/newish relationship? There is no "should", there is only "want to".

It sounds like your ex used to stonewall you. Do you feel Yorkshire man does this?

It sounds more like this is part of his personality. What is it about his quiet periods that make you feel ignored?

To be honest though you my incompatible if you feel you need that level of joyous ness. I have to say as well, there isn't a lot to feel joyful about this year. Maybe you havent seen him in situations or had dates together where you would see another side of him?

Thanks both, I appreciate your replies.

@ravenmum I want to get past it, and I feel like I should be able to I’m just not sure how really. He’s a lovely man so I do want it to work.

@Rae34 My ex definitely used to stonewall and there was no physical or emotional affection in the marriage. We didn’t have sex in over 2 years.
This is definitely not the same situation but is more of a personality difference. I do worry that we may be incompatible on that front. He says he’s happy but I think I need to feel it from someone to truly know if that makes sense.

Is anyone else with a strong silent type? How does it work out for you?

My DP is like this (unless he’s had a drunk and then he doesn’t shut up). I really struggled at the beginning because I thought he was losing interest or he didn’t want to speak to me. It wasn’t, he’s literally just a quiet, chilled guy. I’m very chatty and can talk about anything. My mind is always thinking so I never run out of things to talk about. He answers me when I ask him random questions but he rarely initiates lengthy conversations. I worried about this as well but then I realised my grandmother and grandfather were the same and they were married for 50 years and we’re best friends. I’ve realised that if I want to debate about certain things or gossip then I have friends for that. I have certain friends for certain topics (if you know what I mean) and I’ve decided it isn’t a dealbreaker for me because I have friends to fill my chatty needs.

Agree that this year it is hard to tell who's joyous!

Melandri, are you in your 30s and looking to start a family or in your 50s and have all that behind you? I ask as you mention having been married.

My exh was generally good-humoured but never really laughed out loud or got excited about stuff. After breaking up with him I have now had a couple of relationships with people who you can really have a fun time with - the current guy likes to do things for fun (going places, eating good food, dancing) and you can see he's enjoying himself, and you can appreciate stuff together. It's great. Things are never "always fun", but being with someone who can laugh is so nice...

My ex was like this and I was miserable. Lasted 12 long years (child involved).

My DP now chats and chats and I love it, he is like my best friend. He isn't particularly 'mushy' with where our relationship is going but he does enough to make me feel loved and comfortable with what we have.

@Househunter2021 - thanks for sharing, it’s nice to hear the differences can work!

@ravenmum - I’m 33, no children and wanting to find someone with who I can have a family.

I’ve dated other guys since my marriage ended, including some men who are fun and very outwardly expressive but there have been other things that aren’t quite right including narcissism.

I’m starting to feel like Goldilocks and wondering if the porridge will ever be just right...

I'm seeing a man who is similar. Complete opposite to me, I'm very emotional in the sense of i show exactly how I'm feeling, he does not. However, we have been on and off for a year due to these differences and I've just learned at accept this is how he is and I can't expect him to be more like me.
I really like now how different he is. When he does express something to me, I know it's genuine, rather than guys who just sweet talk permanently if that makes sense.
My ex was very emotional and we both used to clash all the time and would have horrible nasty arguments. There's no way this would happen with my new guy

Argh, I find this really quite frustrating. Basically you're saying - "I've met someone, but there's this quite fundamental thing about his personality that makes me unhappy and insecure. How can I learn to tolerate this thing?!" You can do it for a while, but ultimately if he's not able to meet your emotional needs, you are not only hurting yourself, but setting him up to fail.

I don’t this is a red flag. I had a friend who was boisterous, jokey, chatty and very charismatic. I was shocked to find out her husband was a man of few words, wasn’t very jokey (I never seen him smile or laugh), very quiet and laid back. When I mentioned to her that they were complete opposites she said that he was a good, kind, loyal man and that was worth way more than having a mirror image of herself. They just worked and have been happily married for about 3 yrs now.

So this guy might not be compatible with you if his quiet demeanor makes you feel anxious or question things. He could be a perfect match for someone else.

Personally he would be too laidback for me. I prefer men that show their emotions within reason of course 😂

Just make sure you don't somewhere, in the back of your head, have the idea that him being a bit boring is good as you want a nice quiet dad for your kids, someone to stay in and watch TV with (to exaggerate slightly!).

That sort of person would work for me 😁. But if you find it somewhat difficult now, you'll find it ten thousand times more difficult in a few years when the novelty of the relationship has worn off. I'd step out now, your gut feeling is telling you something. In my experience, when I override my instincts I deeply regret it later.

I would consider traits like these to be personality differences/incompatibilities rather than a deal breaker iyswim.

For me dealbreakers are things which I couldn’t have in my relationship e.g. someone who did drugs/had a criminal record/no longer sees his children.

In your case you simply have different personalities. That may make you incompatible as a couple, but it doesn’t make him a bad person. Iyswim. Whereas a convicted criminal/drug user/waste of space father.....

You should never feel unnerved in a relationship, so get rid.

He sounds a bit like my DH - loyal, stable, level headed, not very chatty. It works for us (married for 17 years and I still adore him) but of course we're all different so that may not be the case for you. I'm happy to fill DH's silences