40, starting again and feeling very vulnerable. Worried about the future.

[Shelbie81]

I’m turning 40 next year and starting to reflect on things and panic about the future. I have no family that I can talk to about these concerns and am feeling very alone and anxious. I have good friends (my chosen family) but they all have loving families and don’t really understand where I’m coming from when I try to explain what I’m worried about. It might help if I explain my past.

• I was born an only child to an abusive mum who wanted a baby then lost interest once I turned 10. I worked from the age of 14 alongside school and pretty much raised myself from then and was told I had to leave home when I turned 18 because my mum no longer received money to have me.
• So I moved out and worked 3-4 jobs at a time to support myself in a little bedsit
• I was unable to go to university at the time because my mum refused to sign the paperwork to confirm she didn’t support me and I was independent of her. So I worked all hours and waited until the age of 25 when I would be able to register as an independent mature student.
• Age 22 I met a man who I was with for 15 years and the relationship became very controlling and emotionally abusive very gradually over the years.
• I went to uni and paid my way myself and 4 years later graduated with a 1st class hons degree age 29
• Despite my best efforts to try to maintain a relationship (albeit toxic) with my family (mum and maternal grandmother), Age 27 my mum and maternal grandma disowned me and cut me off because I refused to quit university and provide them with grandchildren. The last words they said to me were “Why won’t you quit and get a normal job? What’s so special about you that you have to be at uni? Why do you think you have to be better than us? Why can’t you just get a job and have kids like normal people?” I never heard from them again.
• After graduating I worked and had a very successful career for 10 years. I was finally starting to feel financially stable and secure for the first time. My partner convinced me to pool our savings.he had control over all of our money.
• During this time I married the partner... and then he went from controlling to abusive (I had only ever known controlling and abusive behaviour my whole life and had no one there to point out the red flags)
• We bought a house we travelled. We did not have children as I knew it wasn’t right. Things looked perfect to the outside world. I was so miserable.
• Then 2 years ago I left because I started feeling unsafe and would get raped regularly by my husband and couldn’t bare to be in that situation any longer. I feared for my life. It looked perfect to the outside world but the reality was hell.
• I filed for divorce due to his abusive behaviour. It took over 2 years due to him dragging it out and as a result I ended up owing thousands in legal fees.

• I left with nothing l, just my clothes. My abusive ex managed to manipulate things in such a way that he kept all of our savings, the house and furniture and all I received was a huge legal bill.
• He abused me, raped me, exploited me financially and got away with it. I’ve had counselling and made peace with this and am now trying to focus on rebuilding my life
• Due to the stress I had a breakdown and had to leave my job. My colleagues of ten years all turned against me. All they saw was me leaving a “good man" and judged. Noone knows exactly what he did to me, I didn’t want to tell people. I shouldn’t have to.
• 2 years on and I’m in a less stressful job now and happier but on less money than I was. I live pay cheque to pay cheque as many people do. I don’t get raped anymore or abused. I live in peace and this freedom has been worth it. I have a new partner who is loving and I’m happy.
• However as much as I’m happier now, I’m also very concerned. I’m soon to be 40. No family. No children. No house. No savings and no pension. There’s no inheritance coming to me in the future like my friends often tell me about themselves. All I have is myself. I love my partner but my life experience has taught me that I can’t rely on other people being there for me and need to make sure I’m my own security. I’m unable to fully trust anyone now.
• Its like I’m 18 and in that bedsit and starting all over again but without the luxury of time. I’m feeling very vulnerable and as I watch my friends enjoy being settled and talking about their futures, families, holidays, extensions, retirements and buying second homes etc (and I’m happy for them) there is a part of me that worries for my own future.
• I’ve never known the luxury of having loving parents or family that have my best interest at heart. I’ve no idea what it feels like to have people I know I can 100% trust and rely on without me having to question their motives
• I am very aware that the only person I have is myself.
• My fears are that I have 27 years before I’m 67 to try and build myself some security again. But my wages just cover my living expenses. I save as much as I can but it won’t be much for when I’m older. My friends laugh when I talk about being scared of being old, lonely and homeless but it’s a genuine fear these friends are also very secure financially with supportive families.
• I’ve no idea what it’s like to just call round for a cup of tea and a chat with a mum or have a parent phone me just to ask how I am.

• I’m not sure why I’m posting this. I guess I just want some advice, support, a place to talk about everything with people who do not know me and hopefully will not judge. So if you’ve made it to this point, thank you for reading/listening.
• I know I’m lucky and things could be worse. I count my blessings daily. I’m a fighter and I’ve got this far but I’ve only got so much resilience in me and I’m just feeling it at the moment.

I’m not even halfway through the first part of your post but I had to stop and say bloody hell, you’re one of the strongest people I know! I want give the 14 year old girl in you, and all the versions of you that kept going, kept fighting, and stuck it out with pure grit and determination a big, unMNetty hug! I can’t write a long comment now but didn’t want to read and run and I’ll come back later to respond a bit more thoroughly. Just wanted to say you have got something very precious indeed - the knowledge that no matter what happens, you are your own rock, and no one can take that away from you!

Be strong, take courage, and take it a step at a time.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and reply. I really appreciate it. :-)

Wow OP, you are one amazing lady, you truly are.

I can totally understand your fears, but the fact that you have fought your way this far, doing so with zero support and a lot of abuse thrown at you, means to me you will be ok, and will find away to be secure in your old age.

I hope the rest of your life grants you the happiness you deserve xx

Please be kind to yourself.
Have you had any therapy for what you've been through in your life?
It's time to look after yourself properly, give yourself the care and nurture a parent would.

Hi - I just wanted to say that I am in quite a similar position. Have had quite a hard time and now ended up in my 40s with virtually nothing (no family, may loose my home and my job is looking precarious). I dont really have any golden answers (am looking for some myself!) but it is clear that you are very strong and able. You do have time and now that those that were holding you back are out of your life you have a good chance to go on and achieve your dreams.

Life isn't fair and I find it, at times, very hard having to listen to friends who have had it much easier (they mean well but many dont know how lucky they are - 1st world problems spring to mind a lot :although of course I would never say that). I suppose equally there are others in the world who have it worse and dont have the chance of creating the stability that we are searching for.

I completely recognise your fears about ending up alone and homeless. I have them all the time - I think its probably inevitable when you have had such a difficult time?? I do wish you well. You have overcome a lot and can continue to do so to get to where you want to be. I know its exhausting but for some of us there isn't any alternative? Keep doing what you are doing and you will get there - surrounding yourself with the right people and working hard seem to be key (if you dont have the luxuries that others have?). Do take care of yourself and be proud with what you have achieved so far and confident about the future.

I am nc with my rubbish dm. No siblings or family either - I do have dc. One I had at 43 with a new dh. I was also in abusive relationships and left with nothing. I let my dh at 42. We have a busy full life. Not much cash but after the horrors of my past money and material stuff means little. I do worry about being old and skint though. I am 49 now. Friendless except for out pets!
I am glad you have a dp that is good for you op. Don't forget to breathe and remember you have come out on top. Your family aren't nice people op..
Thankfully you sound like you are lovely op.

I'm so sorry OP. What a shit time you've had. You're obviously hugely clever and strong. You really deserve some luck x

Hi OP,

You have had a tough life, that’s for sure. It’s testament to your strength that you are still battling on and able to go again after all that. Well done you.

Whilst some of your worries are painted as negatives, there are positives to them too. The first one is that your family are not in your life anymore.

This is a positive because they are toxic and absolutely no good for you. I get that it’s hard having no one to call on you, like loving parents would, but better that than horrible ones draining you with their negativity.

I lost both my parents when I was in my 20’s and have no siblings either so I understand it but try not to dwell on it. It reflects badly on them, not you.

It is hard when you look at friends lives and see them with “everything” when you have “nothing” but that’s another one not to dwell on. My friend has everything in life she ever wanted but has recently been given a terminal diagnosis at the age of 48. Very sad but it shows that no one knows what is around the corner.

Pension wise, did you not have one in the job that you did? You mentioned colleagues so presumably were employed. If not then don’t worry about that just yet. Your future may look brighter this time next year and you have a 1st class honours degree which when you are ready, may open the door to other opportunities. 10 years ago I earned just above minimum wage but am now on 3 x that. Doors can open and for someone as bright and tenacious as you clearly are then I don’t see why that can’t happen for you too.

There is also no stipulation that you have to retire at state pension age either. You may decide at that time that you can go on but will be receiving your wage and the state pension so could save that for 2/3 years when you finally do stop. If nothing else, join your workplace scheme if you can as the company contribution alone is worth doing that.

In terms of your new relationship, you are right to be wary after the horror of your precious one but who knows where it will lead or if this doesn’t then another in the future.

Good luck with it all OP, you deserve some luck in life and I hope that you get some soon.

Previous

I have a similar car crash type life story. Have you tried adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families if you be want a support group and the opportunity to heal . http://www.adultchildrenofalcoholics.co.uk
It is hard when you have never known what normal is.

Just want to encourage you OP! You've done brilliantly with the cards you've been dealt and the fact you've made it so far, is in itself an amazing life success you should be very proud of!

As they say, comparison is the thief of joy. No need comparing yourself to other people who've had different backgrounds to you as it isn't a fair comparison anyway when they've not had the particular bumps on the road that you've had.

The positive is that you've certainly built up character and resilience (even if you may not feel it) and that will stand you in good stead for the future

Maybe see if you can link up with more people who've gone through somewhat similar and are at the stage that you're at (e.g. there may be relevant online forums, community groups, church groups, Meet-Up groups)? I've been through certain life struggles myself and no matter how lovely friends can be, if they've not been through similar they can't empathise with certain things.

I get you OP. I have had a very similar life.

You wonder how things would have been if you had had a nice supportive family growing up, one who helped you financially or emotionally (or both!) and how you would have made different choices based on that. Maybe you wouldn't have stayed with the first partner so long if you had any idea what a loving relationship was really like, etc.

I don't have any advice but you're not the only one who feels they got a raw deal in life.

I have DC and I have been trying to be a good mother and break the cycle as for me that may be the best thing I can achieve in the end.

What an amazingly strong woman you are. You be very proud of yourself. You are a true survivor. Brilliant.
In terms of your future don’t feel you need to look at what you don’t have. I started again at 40. 5 years later I have my own home, a job I enjoy and great friends who are like family to me. I have my family too so my circumstances are a bit different. I don’t think I’ll venture into a relationship again.
It’s possible to be happy and content in your life in these circumstances. Be kind to yourself. I’m quite sure you can do anything you put your mind to

Thank you to each and every who took the time to read my post and reply. I genuinely am so touched by how kind you've all been and appreciate every comment and message.

It was reassuring to read about your experiences and suggestions.

I have tried to answer to some of the questions and suggestions people posted
below :-

I think it would be a great idea to connect with people who have experienced similar lives. I'm not sure how to do this but I would like to explore that more.

I've had counselling for the rapebut never had counselling for my abusive childhood. I will look into that though. So thank you for mentioning it.

As a kid I was constantly in survival mode and just tried to keep my head down and I guess it's just continued that way. My family are toxic and the best thing they did for me was cut me off. Everything I have achieved I have done myself and I am proud of it but I do feel envious of those who have had that security of knowing they've got people behind them. I've never had that.

I didn't have children. I chose not to for various reasons but primarily because I knew I was in an abusive situation so made the decision not to bring a child into that and as much as I would have loved to be a mum I believe that was the right decision for me.

My new partner does want to start a family and for the first time in my life I feel that I'm in the right relationship to do that, however I don't feel stable enough financially (regardless of if it was biological, fostering or adopting ) and have almost overthought every aspect of it to the point where I am too scared to go through with it. I'm terrified of being a bad Mum so I'd rather not risk it.

My partner is so kind, understanding, caring and loves me and treats me so well. But I don't take this for granted and my survival mode will always be in me to be ready just in case things go wrong. I can't help that.

In my work I support teenagers who have been abandoned by their parents and I also volunteer with a charity that helps young people. I feel like I'm giving something back and fulfilling that nurturing role with the work and volunteering that I do and have been "Mum" to hundreds of neglected and abandoned kids over the years in my work.

I try not to compare my life to others but there are those occasions when I'd just like to not have to fight for things. I'm grateful for everything I have and how far I've come and don't take anything for granted. I know my life could have been much worse and considering everything I think I've done okay.

Thank you again. I think its really helped me just getting it out there and realising I'm not the on my own.

You're probably the best person possible for your work and volunteering then. You truly understand how the young people feel and what they need. You are probably making a really big difference to them.

You’re not on your own. I don’t have the “pop round for a cup of tea” parent either. I get how you feel

You are incredible! I understand how you feel because it is easier when you are younger. I worry about getting ill/old.

Its like I’m 18 and in that bedsit and starting all over again but without the luxury of time

But you’re not OP - not at all. Look at all you’ve learned about life and relationships & you’re in a good relationship with a nice person. That’s a triumph considering all you’ve been through.

I’m 40, separated, no children or partner and I feel pretty lonely and sad at times but I suppose I have a hopeful optimism inside. I do get sad about feeling so much more alone than others and would love the coziness & security of a family. Books help me a lot & phoning friends. I don’t talk about my problems with them though - I just shoot the breeze.

Another thing I’d say is you sound anxious (understandably) when you worry about life when you’re 60. It might be hard for you to get out of hyper-vigilant mode and enjoy your life and partner. Your life right now sounds like it could bring a lot of joy.

Much luck & love to you OP

So sorry that you are missing the feeling of unconditional love. Please don't think you have nothing though. You have resilience, strength, a strong work ethic, compassion for others, a rewarding (if not financially) job, experience and you have what appears to be a loving relationship. You are still young (though it might not feel like it) and you have your future ahead of you.
I can only imagine your fears, but please try not to let the past dictate what comes next. Please reach out for all the help you need to find some peace.
You may not have had a pension, but you will have been building years towards a state pension. If you can spare the money to start a work place one then grab the chance. I have recently checked the amounts I have in two frozen private pensions which I only contributed to for a handful of years and was pleasantly surprised. The sooner the better, as obviously the longer the money is invested the bigger the pay out.
I wish so much for you that you find peace.

Oh and a first class degree - that is not nothing!

Hi OP

So I ended up reading your post when I searched for 'starting life at 40' in mumsnet.

I am sending you all my love. I feel you have done brilliantly and have achieved so much. I can't give you any advice as I'm in a similar predicament.

I was raised in a single parent family where my mum showed no love from a very early age (6-7) I remember I had to feed and look after the younger ones- she actually hated me so much that she forced me into a marriage at 16.

I was then subjected to years of domestic abuse, by my in-laws and my ex husband- sexual, emotional, financial. Forced to have terminations against my will.

Unfortunately my children suffered too and now have PTSD

I only just left him. And although I know I have done the right thing. I feel so alone, my whole life was around him the kids and his family. Now everyone hates me and they either say ' he is such a great guy how could you do this' or ' your not right in the head'. I don't care I don't want to prove anything to anyone because it's a waste of my energy.

My family if you can call it that have also isolated me. My mother who now has softened with age makes an effort but refuses to take responsibility for ruining my life- and despite knowing everything wants me to go back to him. I have just this week cut my family out.

Like you against all odds I managed to get a degree however had to give up my much loved job last year due to a breakdown.

So I'm sitting here alone thinking I have no one. Don't know how to make friends. Don't know if I will ever find love.

I also think I'll be alone at 65 and probably die alone.

For you- you have a relationship, I'd say always put yourself first, enjoy the relationship enjoy life.

You sound awesome. And I actually think it's a hugely brave and selfless thing to decide not to have children when you do want them but you know the relationship is abusive.
It seems that your current one is strong and making you happy. I wouldn't let the financial consideration stop you from having a child if you want one. You financial situation might improve greatly in a few years, anything could happen. If you can offer some security, safety and love, then it's the right time and the right decision.
The choices you've made also indicate that you would put that child's interests first and that you'd be a great mother.
That aside, building relationships with people that have been through similar is a great idea. Expanding your circle of friends as well through a local activity (not great at the moment) or a hobby can be hugely enriching and open new horizons. Best of luck!

You sound amazing op. I can't identify with all youve been through and I cant even imagine it. It must have been so and and I can understand how you feel and why.

I agree with a pp. Youre younger than youll ever be and happier than youve ever been.Try your best to really embrace that.
If you volunteer with an organisation for those with similar experiences to you and you want to foster/adopt, get on with it. So many of us worry what we would be like as a parent or in a parental role. Domt let fear hold off for delivering something amazing.

Life is what it is, but if you think that'll fulfill you truly and you obviously have the knowledge know how and passion, dont let fears hold you back..if your partner is as great as they seem, theyll support you.
Grab at life for you now.

Just want to say that you are an incredibly strong amazing woman. You have gone through so much and sound so understanding of you l You will be able to make a life for yourself with all the skills you've learnta and help so many people. My advice would be to build on the friendships you have and welcome new people in. You may not feel it but you're going to be getting stronger by the day.