Help- I’m so needy even when I’m not interested

[Newname6]

I’m new to online dating. Basically my husband walked out 7 months ago leaving me and our 2 boys without any explanation. Typical script- was having an affair, totally uncaring and wants nothing to do with me, sees the children every other weekend.

I have dipped my toe into online dating and have realised that I am so needy. I really don’t know how to change this. I don’t think I was always like this, I hope I wasn’t. Basically I’ve been swiping for people I’m not even attracted to, chatting to people I don’t even click with, feeling sad whenever people stop chatting (despite me knowing the chat is going nowhere). I’m firmly off the view that if someone is interested in you you will know and I can tell some of these men are not interested at all and yet I’m messaging them just to get a chat going. I feel pathetic. Can anyone relate to this? I would have always said I’m a strong independent woman and I feel I have got through this separation so well but feel stupid and silly at my behaviour at the minute

Do you think you're not ready for another relationship yet? Maybe that's why you're chatting to men you're not particularly interested in, sort of looking for a bit of an ego boost or attention?

That would be completely understandable. I think even the most confident independent woman's self esteem would take a bashing if they were treated the way you were by your husband.
You're not stupid or silly at all. Perhaps have some fun with online dating or come off it if it's making you feel worse.

Be kind to yourself and give yourself a break

OP I was the same as you when I was online dating after separating from my marriage. I spent months messaging and chasing men who really weren't interested in me or worth my time. I think I was so desperate to find love and have male interaction that I would chat and date anyone who showed me a remote interest. After one of them breaking my heart I've decided to leave online dating and be single for a while. I'm finding it refreshing not waiting for that text or constantly analysing if they're losing interest.

Sounds like you’re not ready. Give yourself time to let the dust settle, that’s a huge life change and will have knocked your confidence. Give a while and then if you feel like it dip your toe in the water. I understand the need to boost your ego after such a thing, I’ve been there, but it sounds like it’s having the opposite effect so be kind to yourself and maybe step away from it for a while.

Aren't you just lonely op? Its natural to want to chat to people and get some validation/happy feelings after a long time of feeling crap.

Don't call yourself too many names over this, and im not sure I agree with the whole "you aren't ready" thing. Perhaps you're just practicing? That is ok too. Give yourself permission to make mistakes and try things, and to test out feelings that you aren't used to having.

Have you looked in to counselling? There are types that are more practical and oriented towards learning new skills and ways to care for yourself. I have a sense you'd feel more in control and empowered after taking some time to do that type of learning. You're in a new season of your life after all. The things you learned about dating and relationships years ago are probably in need of a tune up x

I suggest writing a list of what you want from a relationship. What your essentials are and desirables. Hopefully, it will give you structure.
But please remember that life is very strange at the moment and I'm sure that you are still hurting. It''s rubbish not being able to go out with friends who would normally be your support network. But text friends. Ignore trying to find the next man. Build up support in oter ways.

You're currently (probably subconsciously) seeking validation not an actual relationship - that's the issue at the moment.

It is a dangerous headspace to be in when looking for a relationship (especially so close after a break up) because if someone love bombs you then you will get carried away and move too fast too soon. It means you aren't assessing the person you're speaking to, just the validation or level of perceived 'effort' they give to you because that makes you feel you are worthy of time and attention.

You need some time to focus on yourself and get your headspace more secure and settled instead of doing scattergun chats to lots of people.

I know it feels like you need to be really proactive to move on but that doesn't need to mean focusing your energy on dating just yet.

If you're seeking validation and confidence boosting rather than an actual relationship (whether casual or serious) you'll end up putting energy in the wrong places and having your self esteem damaged more

I've also been through this after my marriage ended OP. Online dating is not the right place for a vulnerable person though and it seems like it isn't doing you any favours.

Hopefully it's shown you that there is a life after marriage and there are plenty of other men out there (lots of the wrong ones but still). You have options! But I hope you can fill your time with something more positive.

And I say this with absolute kindness as I've spent many a lonely evening swiping endlessly even though I feel so unfulfilled by it. Its a tough habit to break

You're 7 months out of someone who you thought loved you - betraying you and treating you like shit over it. Validation seeking is totally normal. Its probably not 'who you are'. Your ego's taken a proper knocking so its natural to go seeking attention. It doesn't mean its particularly healthy though. I had a similarish experience and found small rejections from people I wasn't arsed about piled onto the big trauma till it became death by a thousand cuts. I eventually took a long period away from dating and got to a good place where I was happy alone.

Id really suggest that to you, OLD will still be there, and it'll be a better time once covid is in the dust. Put your energy into established friendships, things you like doing.

I can relate. I got myself all worried because a guy I've been chatting to hadn't messaged in a couple of days. He messaged yesterday saying he had been taking a break from social media for a bit. I spent the past couple of days worrying I'd done something wrong. In fact I've probably showed him I'm a complete insecure, needy basket case. I told him at the start I was slightly neurotic (about something else) and we have spoken about being broken and damaged souls so I think there is some understanding (I think that was why I got the message yesterday after I sent him one questioning if he still wants to chat).

I was no where near ready to date at 7 months post split. I was still trying to figure out who I was.
It took me three years to be ready to venture into the world of OLD and I don't think I'm probably the right type of person for it as I can hurt easily and am really insecure.