Stay or leave marriage ?

[thunderbirdsarego999]

Backstory: Married 22 years, 3 DC (2 SEN). OH is ASD . Lots of history of OH having verbal outbursts in public to other people (strangers), some in front of the kids/me. Severe road rage to the point he has been followed (with me in the car). This has all massively tailed off in the last year to 2 years, but it still has happened. In lockdown he has become much calmer and tranquil, quite pleasant at times but still sits watching tv all day and night or gaming. I find this very boring. I know we are limited in lockdown for what we can do, but he watched tv and gamed all the time pre lockdown.

The issues ... he has no awareness of me/others and can be very selfish at times eg. pops to the shop and then does a sneaky takeaway run on the way home with no thought to ask me if I want anything while we are both WFH. We lead quite separate lives - he does own washing/ironing/cooking I do all that for me and the DC. Weekly food shop delivered, he will add his things to the shop order and I do mine and DC. We have nothing to talk about if we go out. He is a gamer ; he doesn't open up ever to talk about personal things/feelings. He is not interested in sex, despite me trying to initiate all the time. We don't argue, because i let things go a hell of a lot (picky things), we just bumble along and get through life/life admin doing our own thing. He stays in bed every morning while I run around like crazy to get the DC up and out for school. I have asked him to get up and help but he doesn't. I manage all the SEN stuff. I bath the DC. I clean the house. I work every day. I run the house/finances/admin. I was out there in lockdown queuing up for an hour to get into the supermarket every single week. I'm picking up the food shop if I cant get delivery slot. I asked him, he wont.

BUT:

We have a very comfortable life (he brings in more money than me)
We have a gorgeous home that the DC love
I get a lot of freedom to see friends (when permitted C-19) and go on hols with friends
DC have fantastic holidays, several a year when we can
DC have everything they want (within reason)
Money is never an issue

BUT ...I am very lonely. If I leave then I worry I will be even more lonely. One of my DC wont go to my OH as he doesn't get on with OH, this means i will never get a night off. Money will be v tight for me, the girls nights out will be few and far between so will the holidays. OH will also be totally gutted to the point where i would worry about his mental well being and threat to his life.

If I left then would I be robbing DC of the comfortable life they have ?

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

Was your H also formally diagnosed as being on the ASD spectrum?.

What is the point of being with him at all?. You facilitate his life, what does he bring to the table?. The fact that you all have a "comfortable life" (well he certainly does because you're doing all the donkey work) does not make up for the fact that you and in turn your kids are all being dragged down by your H, their dad. Is this really the relationship model you want to be showing your children?. What are they seeing here; they are really seeing two very different people living separate lives.

Are you also codependent in relationships?. You are not responsible for your H ultimately although you are so very worried about his mental health and any threats to his life. What about him actually taking responsibility for his actions, why are you carrying this?.

It would be a no for me. You've described a relationship where there is limited emotional or sexual connection, you don't even seem to like him. Your reasons for staying are all about money and comfort.

You've only got one life.

The most depressing part of this post is that despite all his issues he still makes more money than you. FfS why do we always pay men so much no matter what they are like!!

How old are you and the children?

I think it is right to weigh up the consequences of leaving however putting aside finances, do you feel the children would do OK otherwise?

There is no guarantee you will meet someone else so also factor in if you are OK with being alone. Sometimes you can be more lonely in a relationship as it's assumed you have a partner. This was the case for me, everyone assumed I got support when the reality was very different. I am now alone but rarely lonely.

Hi, I really understand your situation. Up until less than two years ago, mine was incredibly similar. Three children, two with SEN, and a very lonely marriage of nearly thirty years. Both boys are ASD, and I suspect dh was too. We were not a team, in any sense of the word.

As it turned out, dh became terminally ill, and died about a year ago. Coming out of the other side of the marriage, I cannot believe how much better I feel. I've had many challenges but have coped incredibly well.

I just don't know what my advice would be, with regards to your children.

Like yours, mine saw me completely bogged down by trying to cope with everything. Sadly, they have little respect for me now. One doesn't speak to me at all. He thinks that I got in the way of his relationship with his dad. But dh was just so uninvolved and disinterested.

I learnt about Cassandra syndrome from a previous mumsnet post, and found it very helpful.

So, I would say that you should consider first, what is best for you. Because living in a family which revolves around asd, is a very hard work and very stressful. I had no social life at all, so I am pleased that you have maintained a successful and fulfilling social life.

I feel for you. It is a very difficult situation. I hope you find a good way forward and wish you luck and happiness.