You used to put out.

[Shutupyoutart]

Heya I don't usually post about my marriage but this has really got to me and I don't want to talk to anyone in rl about it.so for context me and dh do take the piss out of each other in a jokey way we've always done that. He's also quite romantic at times buys me flowers just because ect he hasn't done anything like that for a while
I said in a jokey way about he used to buy me flowers and he said clearly joking you used to put out!I laughed it off but it's act really got to me. Our sex life is a bit shit at the mo I'm never in the mood (we have 4 kids one with sn and I also have pnd) I know this bothers him. Im now wondering if he used to do these little things to get sex and now he knows I don't "put out"much that he thinks I'm not worth bothering for. There are a few things not great in our relationship atm but we've been getting on better last few days and this has just made me feel really hurt. I don't know if that was a dickish thing to say or if I'm being over sensitive.what do you ye think?thanks for reading this far.

Comtesse i think that's just him hes always been a moody sod it Just has started bothering me more recently. I think he stays silent because he doesnt want to have these conversations or open up about his own feelings and he thinks il say what i need to say and then itl blow over but im still often none the wiser to how hes feeling about it and im left feeling deflated and not like anything has been resolved. He finds it hard to talk about his feelings ect and even show his emotions i think hes been so guarded for so long its just normal to him now. I also think sex is his way of feeling like he's loved ect where as i need to feel loved and appreciated to even want sex. I rarely initiate affection either because he sees affection as a come on and it makes me feel pressured im aware this is my issue and im working on it. I want to want to have sex and have more time for each other. My self esteem is pretty shit atm too im overweight which makes me feel very undesirable anyway

Now he's doing overtime. Ive been on my own for 11 hours and counting with them all of school with colds and currenly hiding in the kitchen to eat my dinner so can wolf it down in peace and can hear all hell breaking lose in living room they have all had theirs had baby screaming while was trying to cook ds throwing toys and climbing on everything. I can't cope. Im useless :(

@Skyla2005

I think women can easily forget how important sex is to a man. It’s like eating and sleeping to a man. We are busy and tired with the kids and can go without but they can’t and it can build resentment. It’s good this has happened cause you can start talking and maybe reach a compromise somewhere along the way. It’s all about communication before things build up into a problem

Why just men? I'm female and have no desire to 'go without' when I'm in a relationship.

@Shutupyoutart you sound really down which won't be helping your sex drive.

@Shutupyoutart

Lamp post cat I think you have hit the nail on the head!I think he does see sex as a reward. You are also right that he has got comfortable it's like he doesn't have to try anymore. I'm guilty of this too I suppose since haven't been making sex a priority and maybe not realizing how much it bothers him. It just feels like a chore God that sounds so awful and makes me sad because I do love him and we used to have a great sex life.im just so worn out every day,our son is very challenging and I feel like I'm taking on most of the emotional load by myself. my mental health isn't the best atm and I just need patience and love from him not sly digs about sex all it does is dry me up even more! But then on the flip side he prob feels unloved by me.urgh I don't know every time I try and talk about these things he clams up or goes moody and silent for days. (He's prone to being very moody anyway )I still haven't had a chance to try and have a talk we were watching a movie together last night. he initiated sex and then the baby woke up and he went and sat on the other couch and fell asleep so I took her to bed with me.its stuff like this that makes me feel like shit.

You need to say all this to him. And let him share his feelings, too.

I too would be upset by what he said, but maybe you can use it as a way in to changing things so that you're both happier.

Thanks for your advice x means alot. I am desperately unhappy. Have had sex twice since he said that mainly to make the effort then act wanting to. He's been making more effort too tbf but then today he's back to being a miserable git.no reason. I just cant go on like this its not fair to anyone esp the kids.

I rarely initiate affection either because he sees affection as a come on and it makes me feel pressured im aware this is my issue and im working on it.

Him being unable to give or receive affection without an expectation of it leading to sex is his issue that he should address. It's not how a decent partner behaves.

I'm sorry you're suffering. I agree with you that it's not fair on you or the kids.

Its every weekend almost. Like yday he was of work and kids were back to school and had a lovely day picking decorations and got a tree then we put it up last night and he was getting frustrated with the lights. When kids went to bed he suggested a movie then fell asleep so i woke him to go to bed. Today he's moody and surly. I set up the elves made it all magical for the kids they got up all excited. He never shows any excitement unless its stuff hes interested in. Sits on his phone. Sometimes its like he's happier when hes at work then here with us. I know im prob not the easiest person to live with atm but god i am really trying. I used to be so happy and outgoing and just feel like no spark in me anymore and its all put on for the kids to have a lovely childhood.

Thanks random and user. It's nice to know i can have somewhere to rant. I dont want to paint him as a villian hes really not and i want it to work cos i love him and so do the kids but i just feel like were missing each other by miles and his priorities are so different to mine

If things are that bad that you are considering ending it anyway have you anything to lose in asking him to do joint counselling or move out? He may be shocked to find out you have reached that point...

The thought of splitting up breaks my heart and i dont really want that i just want him to lighten up with the kids, pick his battles, give them more praise and enjoy them more. Our son is were pretty sure autistic and every day is stressful and hard. Hes wonderful but it is bloody hard and i think that hes finding it hard to deal with. I sometimes have to prompt him to do things that should come naturally. I think some of it is my low sex drive and tiredness why i dont want sex but alot of it i think is that im so resentful about the way he is so moody all the damn time and its giving me a bit of the ick. I dont know im i have alot of flaws too im trying to work on them. Like apparently i nag alot which i know i do and trying to stop. We had a psychology app with ds and i begged at him to please interact with her and tell her his concerns aswell, not to let me do all the talking and he stayed silent! H3 doesn't talk to my family without me prompting will often ignore them. I know they r annoying but wish he would make more effort. They find him rude. I need to talk to him about counselling dont i? Cant see it going down well hes just going to take it like im having a go at him

You phrase it "we're both making each other unhappy and not being a team anymore, we both need to change to fix our we aren't going to make it"

I'll try and talk to him about it tonight when the kids go to bed. x

Do you think he could be depressed??

You are both in a difficult situation, young children, diagnosis, exhaustion

It has crossed my mind tbh. Hes so reluctant to discuss anything tho its just like banging my head against the wall. However he has always had trouble expressing his feelings and has always been moody but i think was kind of blind to it before or it didnt bother me as much. I act mentioned to him did he think he was depressed when talking about his moods. and he said if thats the case ive been depressed since i was 17! I do think it's more pressure with kids and ds ect and that he doesnt say what's on his mind and it just comes out as irritability and moodiness. the slightest thing will put him in a bad mood tho for the whole day its awful and nothing i do or say brings him out of it. Sometimes feel like he just likes being grumpy!

If he has trouble opening up and talking about his feelings he is probably someone who responds better to direction? So direct!

This is not working for us as we’re not on the same page- we’re not pulling as a team! I do so much with the kids, you do stuff around the home that’s appreciated but whilst we are both trying it’s not working- we need to divide and conquer better- how about these terms? (That’s when you direct)

• wean the baby off- this will take work from both of us
• you take all the kids out one afternoon every Saturday so I can chill and relax- I will not be doing anything else in this time- when you come home we will straighten the house out and get the kids to bed for a evening together, that’s Saturday nights goal.
• you need to put more effort in with romance- I suggest you be more spontaneous without the expectation of sex as that really gives you less chance of it happening when you do.
• I will try and mange the kids better and get a routine in place to ensure I’m not so tired so that I do want sex- this will take effort from both of us.

-both of us need to tackle the children, however I don’t like it when you shout so I will deal with fallouts and you deal with getting them to keep their rooms tidy.

-I will cook the dinner twice a week with the door shut, you watch the kids and do not start any arguments

A bit like that? See if it helps? Sometimes people like that (me) find it easier with instructions rather than you asking me what I think is needed to improve the relationship as I don’t like talking and find it really really uncomfortable.

Heya autumnbloom. Yes that sounds a lot like him. Hes always been someone who has done little things to show he cares/is sorry rather then saying it. The other day for example(after the u don't put out comment) he act came home with flowers. I didnt mean for him to buy me any i was just trying to make the point that he hasn't done little things like that for ages. This is just an example its not about flowers really. But it did make me feel better that he had heard/listened to me. Those are some good suggestions thank you so much. Its difficult cos i am someone who likes to talk things out especially when things are bothering me i cant keep it in lol. He's not and has never been like that so i think your suggestion to be direct about what we need to do going forward is a good one. Thank you x

Your welcome, to be honest if one likes to talk and the other doesn’t that’s a good thing and you should both play it to your strength. I’m not a talker but my partner is, when he comes out with things I think “I agree that’s what I wanted to say but didint know how” although I don’t even say that but I think it, so it strengthens us rather than creates a barrier. 😂

I have a similar problem to your DH, he is no longer affectionate and his sex drive is way below mine and it makes me feel unwanted and unloved, which isn’t nice being as I feel I give just as much in terms of housework/childcare/working. I wish he would broach the subject! I don’t have a clue how! (I also acknowledge I can be needy though but I miss the cuddles, kisses and general touch)

He could be missing that too. If his sex drive is very low maybe hes afraid to be affectionate in case u try to jump on him! 😂Not saying u would but that's why i dont initiate affection with my dh. I know it's awkward but try and talk to him we cant read minds he might feel the same way. We are who we are and it never bothered me before but finding lack of communication really isolating x

Well that went down like a lead balloon. Tried to talk to him after him being moody with kids and me all day and he just sat there with a face like thunder barely talking so i said are u feeling depressed? What can we do to change things? We both need to do something maybe see a counsellor. Sighs i said well we aren't happy are we? He says Well no we arent apparently or something like that. Keep trying to get him to open up took yer advice about not putting it on him but both of us. He sits there giving me one word answers and when i said can we talk to someone he said fine whatever. I got upset and now he's gone for a walk to "chill the fuck out" he said apparently i think he's doing a shit job with the kids i never said that was just trying to talk about some of the things that worry me about how he treats them. Now im sat here in tears again :(

Don’t be upset, your both obviously wound tight. When he comes home I’d mention that your dropping it for the rest of the weekend but Monday night will try and talk again because this can’t go on- maybe notice will help him get his thoughts together and he won’t be moody knowing it’s coming?

I wouldn’t take it laying down though OP, being considerate and trying to see his side is one thing, but I wouldn’t be letting him put it all on you.

Maybe things are different for me and my partner, we very rarely row at all, I think we may have had 4-5 in 15 years-but I’m not the argumentative type.

You’ve wrote him a letter, you’ve asked him outright...what more does he want in order to start to try and fix it? Maybe ask him?

Honestly? Sex on tap, all fun all the time, no stress, compliant kids, and me to never nag, criticise or say what im thinking! That's what it bloody seems like anyway. So pissed off. Im dropping it for now but I'm not willing to keep on like this and if i think its best for my kids in the long run i will walk.