Boundary setting and attachment styles

[flowersrain]

Interested in people's thoughts:

in my last relationship I was anxiously attached, I found it hard to set boundaries. My avoidant ex didn't like talking deeply about the relationship so I was reluctant to bring anything to do with it up. I would spend a lot of time thinking about how to bring the subject of a boundary up and worrying about it. if I did set a boundary I never really upheld it because (I can see now but didn't at the time) my self worth was so low that I didn't want to rock the boat or for him to not want me.

For people who securely attach in a relationship, are boundaries something you consciously set and talk about or does it come naturally?

Hi op sadly to say I am in this relationship now . Although things seem to be getting better because he is getting help , he is bi polar and has anger issues and also because I am starting to get stronger . I had to think so many times am I with him because I love him or because I am anxiously attached . I would say it is a bit of both . Deep down he is a lovely person but he has had a crap up brining and I think it's really affected him . He won't admit it tho unless he's had a drink . But I avoid talking about issues in the relationship too because it just causes arguments he always says I am looking for a fight if I ever ask a question or say I am not happy about somthing in our relationship. He used to flip pretty bad years ago . Not so much these days mind but it could be because I try my hardest to avoid anything that will set him off just for a peaceful life x

Also anxious style here and interested in the replies.

We don’t and have never analysed our relationship in terms of style. In some ways I think doing so reinforces behaviours and expectations.

It would entirely depend on the boundary. We have few, except the bits about respect, consideration and commitment. Those are implicit but have certainly been discussed over the years in vague, non-personal ways. We have never felt the need to ‘set boundaries’. We talk about what we want or need. We discuss shared and individual plans.

The only time I can remember talking specifically about it was around not being a cleaner and housekeeper because I had reduced/given up work to raise the children. I was clear if he wanted floors mopped twice daily and starched collars then he needed to employ someone to do that.

I haven't purposely set about having a deep conversation around boundaries etc. I have just witnessed a behaviour, logged it in the brain then if it was repeated a couple more times I then spoke to my partner about it. I gave him the evidence of when he did, how it affected me and that I would prefer it if he didn't do it again. He was mortified as he didn't realise that what he had done had an affect. I set the boundary immediately after it happened the 3rd time. I didn't go away and think about it then face it, it was done there and then with love and calmness. He slipped up the other day, realised what he had done then quickly apologised. Its just a matter of him learning my boundary over something and he has committed to making a change.

Do you have an example of the kind of boundaries you wanted to set?

I don't worry about 'rocking the boat' or someone leaving me due to me setting boundaries.

The way I look at it is:

• The boundary is important to me for me to be happy in the relationship

• If setting a perfectly reasonable boundary makes them like me less or want to leave me, so be it because that would mean they really weren't right for me and didn't respect my boundaries

I used to have anxious attachment and now have secure attachment (after plenty of therapy).

Me being happy is more important to me than whether someone loves me. I know I am loveable and trust myself to have reasonable boundaries and communicate them in an assertive way.

Generally speaking as an anxiously attached person you really want to avoid relationships with avoidants.

That way, madness lies. It would be incredibly hard to have a decent, stable relationship between an anxious and avoidant type.

@wheresmymojo

Do you have an example of the kind of boundaries you wanted to set?

I don't worry about 'rocking the boat' or someone leaving me due to me setting boundaries.

The way I look at it is:

• The boundary is important to me for me to be happy in the relationship

• If setting a perfectly reasonable boundary makes them like me less or want to leave me, so be it because that would mean they really weren't right for me and didn't respect my boundaries

I used to have anxious attachment and now have secure attachment (after plenty of therapy).

Me being happy is more important to me than whether someone loves me. I know I am loveable and trust myself to have reasonable boundaries and communicate them in an assertive way.

The boundaries I wanted to set were along the lines of ' we usually see each other on a Sunday so I keep that day free for you. If you make other plans, please let me know in advance and not at the last minute so that i can also make other arrangements' or 'it is important to me that I am able to talk to you about my emotions and that you can acknowledge and not dismiss them'.

These are boundaries that I wanted to set and did try, but often didn't follow through for fear that I was being unreasonable and that I was the problem and needed to have fewer expectations.

i am also having therapy and I am hoping that I too can work towards secure attachment. Stories like yours give me hope

@whataday12 I'm sorry you are in a similar position. I would recommend looking up trauma bonding - I wish I had recognised that this was what had happened with me much earlier

@wheresmymojo yeah I can never be in a relationship with an avoidant again. It has broken me.

it is important to me that I am able to talk to you about my emotions and that you can acknowledge and not dismiss them'.
I'm not sure I'd give someone a lot of chances to get that one wrong tbh. It is a pretty basic element of being in a relationship.

@Love51 absolutely, I can see that now but I was in too deep at the time and just told myself that it was unreasonable to expect him to meet all my needs so I wouldn't bother him with my emotions and would seek support elsewhere eg friends and family. Of course now I can see that this was all wrong but it was part of the trauma bond.