I need so advice, PLEASE...

[gotthis1234]

We have a DD who is 5 and I have found myself back and forth with do I stay in my relationship or don't I?

We've had issues with him using drugs (got last that) issues with him seeing escorts and looking on dirty sites, he has told me to fuck off on numerous occasions and called me c**t - BUT like most stories like this... we get on well most of the time and our family until is my safety net and comfort zone - somehow! (He's such a split personality - hard worker, good job etc.....)

I'm 32 and currently at my mums, because I had to walk away after he let his sons smoke weed there one night.

He's now saying let's have a another baby and get married and get past all this!!

Why is this playing with my head so much?? What am I supposed to do? I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. My mum and I have just had an explosive row over the fact I haven't called it a day!

I was made redundant because of COVID and I just feel by the time I work again and set up home for me and may daughter time is running out! I want more children so badly and so him saying that has really confused me!

Please help - I can't keep feeling this way anymore!!

Or let your ovaries do your thinking and spend the next twenty years trying to not mind and watching how this all impacts on your children as life unfolds (cue some tricky conversations as to why those things are not ok, but yes daddy does do them and we put up with it cos he works hard) and then watch as they find their own partners modelled quite possibly on your own example.

Do you want to be in a healthy relationship where you are valued and without the instability of a drug user or live in his seedy unpredictable world
Your at your mums and feeling pulled back to him.
What you need to valuate is what you actually really need and what you want.
You are in the transitional part of a fresh start if you choose to take it.
Apply for work, keep trying
Get rid of someone pushing and pulling you. It's all games and why waste life with a person like that.
Rebuild your life, find yourself someone clean living and stable.
No shame in restarting and changing
In this life nothing is stable nor is a limit to have everything it's up to you.
Your in a temporary stage of change not a permanent one remember that

Sorry I re read and have to say..
Your mum can see it clearly and listen to her. When you feel a need for support aside from your mum call a friend not him.
Although you want more children
It is far easier to get your life sorted and on track with one child.
Until you move on!
The job losses are worldwide, so is choosing lunatics but changing that is your choice one step at a time.

Build a happy and healthy life away from this man for you and your daughter. This is the only thing you should be focusing on. Nothing else. She should be your absolute top priority. Sending hugs and strength x

What are you supposed to do?? Take your child away from that environment? What did you imagine you were supposed to do??

Hmm listen to Mum or listen to the man?

Who cares about you most?
Who doesn’t call you a cunt?
Who doesn’t use drugs around your child?
Who doesn’t use escorts?

He’s offering a baby because he knows that’s what you really want, to get you to do what he wants. That’s a really bad reason to have a baby.

Hopefully he used condoms with the escorts but that doesn't make it any better.

OP you are getting some tough love here. Not one person who has taken the time to put the writing on the wall will be trying to upset you so much as help you see things clearly because your emotional entanglement is stopping you seeing the wood for the trees.

I strongly recommend you take a look at this...

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You will find many threads on here of ladies who were able to move from the up-down cycle you are on and start to take a constructive approach to their future not just whirl between what if's, complicated emotions, fears of the unknown etc etc

I personally have a friend I have known for years who the last time I saw her was almost unrecognisable for the centre of calm which she exuded from her being, without having lost any of her sparkle or spirit she had just finally been able to drop the crazy energy that came from the pattern of toxic relationships she was in (learnt from her parents at a young age). She had done this freedom programme and I can hand on heart say that her future looks so much brighter than it ever did because she is at peace and is able to recognise, and therefore have, genuine love for the first time.

Listen to your Mum !

I know you ask if at 32 you would be able to have the other child you really want, well, yes you might or you might not, but one thing we do know is that if you stay, in ten years time you will be a mum to at least two children with a partner who does not respect you and isn't faithful, you will have actively chosen that.
He will get seedier with age, your choices will be even fewer with greater responsibilities and more years down the line...
If you met him now as a single person and was shown this would be your path, would you honestly invest in your time in him? You need to cut your losses and give yourself a chance.
I feel for you and also your mum who is seeing someone she loves being treated so badly. I bet she is worried sick you will make another child with him and be tied to him all the more.

Please just read back your OP and imagine your DD had written it 25 years from now. What advice do you think you'd give her?

Just for a minute, imagine that your daughter is grown up and in a relationship with a man like this, and considering staying with him. Put yourself in your Mum's shoes. What would you say to her. Would you be happy for her, or would you explode like your own Mum has?

What future do you want for your daughter? She is looking to you to show her the way.

Run!

Is crazy isn't it, how something with so much negativity involved can still make you question what is right and what is wrong.

It's the classic - there's A LOT of good and normal parts of the relationship!

Why does leaving fill me with fear?!

Stop worrying about the children you haven't got and concentrate on the child you have.

@gotthis1234

Is crazy isn't it, how something with so much negativity involved can still make you question what is right and what is wrong.

It's the classic - there's A LOT of good and normal parts of the relationship!

Why does leaving fill me with fear?!

Yes, I suspect that your love and commitment go a long way to making the good and normal parts what they are. Ultimately he could even tell you truthfully he loves you, but love to him is something which doesn't extend to being faithful and you completely safe from STI's, it doesn't stretch to using patience instead of crude insults and his internal attitude to women generally is so skewed from what you would hope of a man who presumably has a mum somewhere and certainly has a daughter... so his love can only be as pure and true as his outlook on life and that's why it is sub-standard. It is perhaps a silly analogy but I think you are in the relationship equivalent of a slow moving supermarket queue, do you push your trolley to the other queue or stay put, if you decide to move the queue you're in might get to the check out first and you've already spent ages in this queue...

You have already invested so much time and love and energy in this it won't be easy to let go, but speaking as a mid 40's woman, if you think you're running out of time for a fresh chance at 32, wait until you're having a conversation with yourself in ten years about whether you did the right thing. see yourself through your DD's eyes... would want her daddy to worship the ground you walk on, he doesn't.

Imagine the image of a cute old couple, we've all seen one, walking down the street still holding hands at 80, the little old man watching lovingly over his wife as she is cared for in hospital - you know the type of long devotion love that simple acceptation and mutual respect has kept them together like glue for decades... you don't have that, it's one sided - he isn't showing you that devotion and respect, so it's only coming from you... you've done a tremendous job of making it last this long, but you'll get tired of it, or jaded with life and and up deciding that loving relationships are a myth and anyone who claims they've got a decent bloke is lying.

Great book called "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. It'll give you perspective.

I agree with others, life is too short to live in shit.

Drugs
Escorts
Abusive behaviour

Not sure any amount of 'good times' can override the damage done by living in a home with someone who also indulges in the above.

Your child deserves better, put them first and stop even considering a relationship with this man - now or in the future.

Men who use escorts and call women cunts in anger are not men you should be wanting another child with. It's totally unfair to considering adding another child to this situation.

Your poor mum must be beside herself with anxiety about this, for you and for your child.