Shall I approach again?

[pinkeskimo12]

Hi everyone!

Last month, I was texting a guy who I have met a handful of times through friends and I feel absolute immense chemistry with. He is SO up my street, was just so nice and easy to talk to, absolutely hilarious and so lovely. He said the same about me and we just got on so well and laughed so much. We arranged to meet up this month but lockdown happened so we couldn’t. He lives an hour away. We are 24 by the way!

A few weeks ago, he had already told me all about how he’s planning on going travelling in January but he sent me a long text about how he really likes me and he knows we would potentially catch feelings if we carried on and he doesn’t want either of us to get hurt, because he knows he is inevitably pissing off around the world for a year in January or as soon as possible. He didn’t want to lead me on any further when he’s not in the place for a relationship. He was lovely about it, I was sad but I understood where he was coming from, and we agreed to cut back on the texting.

The other day, he shared a post on Facebook stating that we can’t go down under until at least this time next year now (and as sad as this sounds, maybe things happen for a reason!!!). This instantly made me think that if we had known this before, we may not have cut things off because it’s a whole year away and who knows what could happen before then.

So my question is, do I say something? I just really felt something there and still do, I feel like we’re a really good match and I feel I’ll regret it if I don’t just say that I enjoy talking to him and want to chat again (in the least cringey way possible haha!). I’m fully expecting people to say that if he cared, he would pop up, but maybe he’s thinking the same thing about me!! I just wonder if I should just take the plunge and find the courage to message - but I want to write it very carefully and not seem creepy or clingy.

What does everyone think?

There is no point trying to second guess where he is at. I would focus on what will make YOU feel better. If you need to know before you can drop it then message him but be prepared for feeling rejected if he doesn't reply or you get a luke warm/ambivalent response.

Personally l hate leaving things hanging. Thinking oh today l might get a text, maybe he is thinking of me etc. I find this harder to deal with than just firing off a text and then my worst fears being confirmed. It hurts but at least you know then and can move on.

Do tend to agree with the others who say that in general if a man is interested then he will initiate and you will not be in any doubt that he is interested.

You can and should reach out, if you want to know.

But the reality is he's still going travelling. It might be earlier than he's stated as with Covid, who knows what will open when. But the point about going travelling for a year is, he's NOT in the headspace for commitment or a relationship. He is in a different stage to you, one where he wants to be open to possibilities and experience the world. In that head space you don't have the inclination to put effort into a relationship.

Even if he's open to the idea of messaging/meeting up - you need to know, you won't get the kind of relationship you want out of it. And will likely end up more heart broken as your feelings for him grow. And it's always harder for the one left behind. He won't even know if he wants to come back, or maybe he decides to stay out there a bit longer, or meets a girl there and wants to stay for her.

This will be why he hasn't reached out. Because his focus is still on his travels. He may agree to date you temporarily, comfortable that you are accepting the risks and know the score. But his heart isn't in it - how can it be? He's off on the biggest adventure of his life, and it doesn't include you.

I am so firmly on the fence with this one, OP. I think I'm leaning towards 'message if you're interested but bear in mind you may not get a reply, and even if you do, you may find yourself in the same situation a year from now'.

Mainly because I have always in practice held back from contacting men who have said they want to cool things off for a good reason (rather than just not being keen), thinking they would be in touch if they wanted and it wasn't just a way to spare my feelings.

I have saved my dignity but to be honest, I can't say for sure, with one in particular whom I really hit it off with, that I wouldn't rather have given it a go and felt a bit silly after if he didn't reply.

There is a possibility he would like to see you again but thinks it wouldn't be right to get back in touch after ending it and with the travel plans in place.

Look, it depends how robust you feel in handling it if it didn't work out the way you would like- if he ignores you, doesn't respond very nicely as he was just letting you down kindly first time around, or if you start something only to end it again due to his travels. If you can absorb that risk though, don't worry about waiting for a man to text etc.

Realistically, in life usually men will let you know if they are keen but you are so young and times are very changeable at theminute. Don't hang back out of principle in this case, just decide whether you can manage any outcome.

Which is all a long way of saying I am on the fence

Well I once gave this exact reason to a guy i had been seeing for a month. He was lovely but I didn't feel as keenly as he obviously did.

My friend's then-boyfriend finished with her for this exact reason also after two months when she had introduced him to her friends and suggesting he come to a family event with her. She accepted his reason and then was distraught when he started a relationship with someone else.

I think it's a kind excuse, sorry and he likes you but not enough to progress.

I could be wrong though and I would echo the pp suggestion that you like his comment.

If he contacts you to suggest giving things another go I would proceed. But if you get some lukewarm interaction I wouldn't bother engaging.

He's Just Not That Into You.

But there's probably no harm in seeing if he wants to meet up, now his plans are delayed. Or something equally low pressure.

I think he wants to be single at the moment and for travelling in future, which is sensible. He knows he can't give you a commitment / relationship. Leave it. Who knows in future. I know several people who got together after one of them had been away travelling because they'd always had that vibe between them.

I wouldn’t text him op . He knows where you are . Personally I don’t believe in not that into you in this circumstance . I could be mega into sleep but why would I start something with someone if I’m going away ?
I know a few people who did start something in this situation but it’s still casual and not going anywhere . He is going away after all .

*someone not sleep

I think you answered it yourself because you know you want to contact him and your excited it could go further. Of course you should text him because life's to short and if it doesn't work out , so what x

You haven't even been on one date with this guy.

You've been texting each other for a few weeks. You and probably a handful of other women too.

If he wanted to let you know he's available for a year - he would.
If he wanted to see you, lockdown or no lockdown - he would.

Leave it, don't text him. You will have a lot more power and look extremely desirable when he does get back in touch. Men like the chase and have to be allowed to do it. You'll come across as a bit too interested, whatever your message says. Sit tight and look for someone else in the meantime.

Men like the chase and have to be allowed to do it

Game playing, you mean? Men like to play games, so you play games with them?

What garbage.

When I went travelling I had a boyfriend - if I hadn't been young and not very assertive, I would have ended it before I left, instead of messily a few months later.

Towards the end of my year away, I met a man and I knew 100% he was 'the one'. I would have moved heaven and earth to be with him.

This man doesn't feel that way about you and has done the decent thing and let you know. Don't push it further. Deep breath and keep looking for the one, he's out there somewhere.